Grad School Lessons, Final Take

I feel like there's a tapeworm clinging for dear life to the walls of my small intestine.  It knows that it's lost and that it will soon die.  However, it's trying to inflict as much pain on me as it possibly can in the mean time.  The life-sucking parasite that is ravaging me is not a tapeworm; it's my thesis.  I've basically finished my thesis and I've even defended it, but it's still trying to suck as much life force out of me as it possibly can.  Endless typographical adjustments and the fact that I can't get the -freaking- title on the first page of the text will probably haunt my dreams tonight.

The last grad school lessons post that I made was when I had hardly even begun my research.  Now, there are only a few days of pain left before I can finally rid myself of its parasitic influence.  These are some of the lessons that I've taken away from the last year plus of grad school.

• Academia is a Sick System.  Over the last few decades, many in the western world have fallen, helplessly into the idea that more education is better.  In American primary and secondary education, children are passed along from one grade to another and from one level to another, and occasionally given some accolade or certificate of accomplishment.  They are taught that greater occupational and economic opportunities will be available to them if they simply prove their mettle with more education.  While this is true up to a point, more education is not always more advantageous. Getting a (Philosophy) Doctorate often greatly reduces the variety and number of occupational options for an individual.  With a doctorate, one is often bound to do research at a relatively small number of institutions.  It's like a pair of Palladium handcuffs (like golden handcuffs, but not actually that valuable.)
• It's a trap.  Many prospective academics hearken to the ideal that they'll be able to change the world with their free thinking and applied knowledge.  These unfortunate souls think of academia as an ivory tower in which they can get paid real money to philosophize for a few hours a week and not take life too seriously.  The sad reality is that they are still servants to those who are above them.  The grad student or post-doc bends to the will of his advising professor.  The assistant professor contorts himself into knots to meet the whims of the tenure committee.  The tenured professor conforms to the will of the department head.  The department head does his best to not be a complete puppet to the administration.  And most ironically, they all perform in a dog and pony show to impress the funding agency, so that they can get the money to live their "ideal" lifestyle.  The only difference between industry and academia is that the deadlines are softer.  Speaking of which...
• I Thrive on Deadlines.  Academia is a nebulous space in which deadlines, but are always secondary concerns.  Academics are always busy, in part because there are few, if any intermediate deadlines.  Work gets done in a haphazard and capricious manner with *lots* and *LOTS* of wasted time.  Unlike most academics, I'm an almost obsessive-compulsive planner.  While I don't necessarily plan each of my daily activities, I typically have a very good idea of what I'm going to accomplish on that day, and intermediate deadlines help me to efficiently prioritize that time. The "Here's a huge task, I'll see you in a year" model hasn't been helpful or enjoyable in the least.
• The Ph.D. is Indentured Servitude.  Many people think that Ph.D.s are really smart because they have a lot of education (à la my first point).  However, the reality is that the Ph.D. is much more about tenacity than anything else.  An average Ph.D. takes about 5 years.  Basically anyone who's smart enough to finish a bachelor's degree at a respectable institution could get a Ph.D., it's just a matter of how long it will take.  Devoting years of your life to a Ph.D. is just that: years of your life.  And hey, at the end you get another certificate of achievement! >:-|
• Assistant Professorship is Pure Hades.  In the two years that I've been in grad school I've watched both my advisor and my friend's co-advisor change from bright-eyed, optimistic Ph.D. grads to the jaded cynical professors that we all know and love.  It's not a matter of being more optimistic than previous candidates, it's simply what the system does to you.  If all Master's candidates had to have an assistant professor as their advisor, there would be *significantly* fewer Ph.D.s.
• The Graduate School is the Byzantine Empire.  All the paperwork.  Margin restrictions.  Insanely anal table of contents and listing requirements.  Requiring students to finish ALL degree requirements a month in advance to be eligible to walk at the once-annual commencement ceremony.  Taking 3 months to process a 2-page form and finishing only after consistent badgering.  If you like bureaucracy, you'll love the graduate school administration.
• Also, This.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to the God who created me for the opportunity to receive the excellent education that I've received.  I'm even more grateful for the funding that I've received that has allowed me to minimize my debt and to have enough money to serve a full-time mission.  My degree will have value, particularly as I'm trying to find my first job.  As I found out in 2010, most employers of civil engineers are looking for master's degrees in their candidates.  It's become kind of a de facto requirement, particularly if you're looking for a job doing anything remotely specific.  However, my experience as a master's student has killed all desire that was ever in me to get a Ph.D. and then some.  While I'm sure being a tenured professor has its perks, I'm wholly unwilling to endure the 5+ years of indentured servitude and 6-8 years of pure Hades to do a job that I don't necessarily enjoy that much.  The sick system of academia is right for some people... but I'm not one of them.