The Marriage Relationship

I should probably start this post with the disclaimer that I've never been married and will undoubtedly not be married within the next year.  However, I've gathered some things from eternal truth revealed from God, the observation of other people's marriages, and the wisdom that I've accumulated over the last 23+ years of life on this Earth, so I think I have a pretty good basis to make the commentary that I'm about to.  Also, if this doesn't reflect the reality of things as they are, I will gladly live a life of celibacy and never think about any woman ever again.

There are two things that I absolutely hate to hear from married people.  The first is almost irrelevant and the second is of dire importance, such that I believe that the eternal life of man and woman rides upon it.

First, I really hate it when married people say, "Oh my gosh, I married the (wo)man of my dreams."  All I can think is, "Really?  You had the entirety of your imagination at your disposal, and *that's* what you came up with?  I'm disappointed."  If you married the person of your dreams, I applaud you on keeping your expectations low, but I have to wonder about your sense of creativity and imagination (and I'm an engineer).  Like I said, this is almost irrelevant, but I felt like I should share as long as we're on the topic of things I hate hearing married people say.

The second is far more common and far more important.  I really hate hearing married people say, "My [spouse] made me do [insert activity name here]," or "My [spouse] doesn't let me [insert activity here]."  I hear this most often from men speaking of their wives.  I assume it's usually in jest, but sometimes I have to wonder if the speaker actually believes it.

I find this to be patently false the vast majority of the time.  I don't think I've ever seen a person being physically forced to do something by their spouse.  I'm positive that it happens in certain situations, but that's the topic for another post (yeah right, not on this blag).  I think that, in the vast majority of cases, the true reasoning can actually be boiled down to two possibilities.  A better way of saying this would be either, "I fear the natural and/or contrived consequences that would be imposed if I (don't) [insert activity here],"  or "I am (refraining from) [insert activity here] because I love my [spouse] and am willing to make that sacrifice."

While the first statement is sufficient to keep a marriage relationship together and both members reasonably happy, it should be made clear that the second statement is the higher law.  For example, it's good for a man to say, "I'm not going to go out on a boat with a pair of hookers and a briefcase full of blow because I'm afraid that my wife would shoot me in the junk and take half my stuff."  That will, indeed, keep a marriage together and keep both members relatively happy.  However, it's much better if that man was to say, "I'm not going out on a boat with hookers and blow because I sincerely love my wife and it would break her heart. (And I don't want to give her herpes!)"  I use such an extreme example because "I'm not allowed to go out on a boat with hookers and blow," just sounds ludicrous.  Feel free to substitute a more appropriate example to your life.

The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches men and women that personal sacrifice is an essential part of happiness in this life and vital to the life hereafter.  To love someone is essentially to willingly make sacrifices for their benefit.  Christ performed the ultimate act of love when he laid down his life so that we could live eternally.  We should do the same in our lives and our marriages.  I believe that it is by small and simple sacrifices each day that we show love for one another and that we should not frame these sacrifices as acts of compulsion in our speech.  If you're doing something because you love your spouse, you should say it that way. In reality, no one can force their spouse, or anyone else, to do something contrary to their own will.  If you're doing or refraining from doing something, it's because you are making a choice to do so; and hopefully this choice is motivated by love rather than fear of consequences, though both are sufficient.

If and when I get married, this will be my approach to marriage.  I refuse to approach it any other way, and I will ask my wife to strive to approach our marriage the same way.  And, as I stated before, if I'm totally off base on this, I will gladly join a monastery.  That's just how I roll.

A Secret Combination

A few weeks ago, I received an email from someone associated with the American Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) about joining the Order of the Engineer.  This organization is a group of engineers who take an oath to be ethical in their designs, and to generally do what is right and best for the profession.  All who have graduated with at least a bachelor's degree in engineering are welcome to join.  The members of this organization wear a stainless steel (or wrought iron in Canada) ring on the pinky finger of their dominant hand to remind them of the oath they've made.

The Engineer's Ring

I thought it was a good idea in principle, but something felt just slightly off about it (in addition to the fact that I'm allergic to Chromium (II) Oxide).  I then read the Order of the Engineer website about the engineer's ring itself:

"In Canada, the Engineer’s Ring is a wrought iron ring accepted by engineers inducted into the Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer in a secret ceremony."

And it struck me that this order was basically a group who had covenanted to do good, but not in the name of the Lord.  Though this group is almost entirely harmless in both the temporal and eternal scheme of things, it still qualifies as a secret combination.

As a latter-day saint, I believe that I've made a set of covenants of a higher order that includes not only ethical design behavior, but a strict moral code to go along with it.  My hesitance to join the Order of the Engineer was inspired by my oath to do good not only in the sight of society, but also in the eyes of God.  I've been called not only to honestly design things to the best of my ability, but also to abstain from substance abuse and sensuality, to help those who cannot help themselves, and to do all that the Lord asks of me.  The covenants of the Gospel of Christ are inclusive of those made by the Order of the Engineer and include many others.

Even though the Order of the Engineer is a secret combination, I still liked the idea of wearing a ring on one's dominant hand to remind him or her of their obligation to society and/or to God.  Then I was hit with a stroke of genius inspiration.  Mormons have a very similar thing called a CTR ring, (for Choose The Right, a popular hymn that almost all members know by heart) which are often made of silver.  Though it is not directly associated with the covenants made, it can be worn to remind one to do what it right.  So, I bought one and and now wear it on my right pinky finger.

A CTR ring.  Not quite the same as the one I got.

And, as a disclaimer, despite the abominable label I've given to Order of the Engineer, I actually think it's a great organization that encourages engineering ethics, particularly for those who aren't necessarily religious.  You should join if you're interested... and have at least a bachelor's degree in engineering... and aren't allergic to Chromium (II) Oxide.