Having Faith

Yesterday, one of my friends and fellow disciples in the ways of awkwardness and social unacceptability, Elisse, gave a Sunday School lesson in which she urged the congregation to reread and study their patriarchal blessings.  I read mine again yesterday after I got back from church.  There have always been three paragraphs in my blessing that have been the most interesting up to this point in my life.  One of these has largely been fulfilled (I hope), one is entirely in progress, and the third is clearly yet to be.  As I read my blessing yesterday, it hit me how truly prophetic and (apparently) sequential these things are.

Patriarchal Blessings are given to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by the Lord through ordained patriarchs and usually contain counsel and promised blessings to the individual based on his or her faithfulness.  Because of the personalized nature of these blessings, they should be considered sacred.  Members of the church are generally discouraged from reading their blessings out loud or sharing them with others outside of their immediate family.  In this post, I will share three short lines from my patriarchal blessing, which give only the most general idea of the content.  The vast majority of my blessing will not be shared.  I'm aware that this is very much the electronic equivalent of reading portions of my blessing out loud (in a public square), but I believe that the passages are short enough to maintain the personalization and sacredness of the blessing.  More importantly, I feel prompted by the Spirit to share these things as they appear below.

The three most interesting paragraphs of my blessing appear in order right in the middle of the blessing.  There are several short paragraphs before these three, and a few longer ones after these three, but the Lord put the most interesting parts to my life at this time right in the middle.

First, the part that I think and hope has largely been fulfilled:

"It is important to continue your education.  As you enter institutions of higher learning, you will be able to discern between right and wrong and cleave to the principles of truth."

 I say that I hope that this is mostly fulfill because I'm oh-so-close to getting my master's degree and, at this time, I don't plan on getting a third degree... ever.  If the Lord needs/wants me to get a Ph.D., I won't fight him on it, but I have basically no desire to do so of myself.

The part that's almost eerily prophetic is that it states that I will enter institutions of higher learning; plural.  At this point, I've studied for two different degrees at three different institutions and have, most of the time, had a spirit of discernment about me.  I have largely been able to discern truth from fallacy in what I've seen, heard, and been taught, and have been able to choose what is good.

Next, the part that I'm so in the middle of, it's slightly painful:

"The Lord knows the righteous desires of your heart.  You will be called to serve a mission to take the message of the gospel to many who have never had an opportunity to receive it."

When I went to get my patriarchal blessing in 2006, the patriarch asked me a few questions about myself so that he'd have a better idea of who I am and what my blessing should contain.  At some point, he asked me about my goals or aspirations for the future were... or something like that, I honestly don't remember the question or his response to it.  However, I do remember the Spirit actively engaging my vocal cortex to cause me to say, "I'd like to go on a mission."  The response to that statement came as the first sentence of the passage I shared above.  It didn't seem that profound at the time, but little did I know...

During the five, or so, years that I was called to not serve, I took that first sentence as a mild consolation that I would still be able to serve, probably later in life, as a senior missionary.  Since September or October, when I found out that I would, apparently, be able to serve in my youth, the entire process involved with having that first sentence in my blessing has blown my mind open so wide, you could fit a softball through it.  This has been a clear testimony to me of the omnipotence, omniscience, and infinite love of the Lord for me, on an individual level.  It's like the Lord walking out of an alley, taking off his tie, and saying "Like so," but on a much grander and more powerful scale.  (Don't worry if you don't catch that reference, but bonus points if you do.)

Finally, the part that remains unfulfilled:

"[T]he time will come in your life when you will desire to marry.  You will be lead to one of God's righteous daughters who is choice and has a testimony of the gospel."

I'm not honestly sure how the first sentence will manifest itself.  I mean, I've felt some desire to marry for a while, but it's almost like the Lord is saying, "No, you have not yet begun to feel a desire to marry!"  It kind of scares me... in possibly the least scary way imaginable.

The more profound portion of this statement is in the second sentence.  The Lord states, in no uncertain terms, that there is not only a woman for me, but that he will actively lead me to her when the time is right.  At times I've worried that there worried be a woman for me or that other things would get in the way, but the answer is pretty clearly, "Quit freaking out, dude, I got this," or probably something a little more eloquent.  If I will maintain faith, I can know that not only will there be a woman for me, but that the Lord will lead me to her in a way that will probably be about as obvious as an angel holding a blinking neon sign reading, "Pick This One!"

At various times in my life, I've had trouble cultivating and maintaining that faith to trust in the Lord.  Because I couldn't discern a clear path to the blessings based on the trends that I saw at the time, I didn't want to believe that they would be mine.  However, as I've continued to walk in the path that the Lord has set for me, I've watched the blessings unfold and become manifest in precisely the way that he assured me they would be.  He could see the end from the beginning, even though I could not.  At the moment, even though I cannot discern, in particular, how the Lord will bless me with an eternal marriage and family, he has assured me, in no uncertain terms, that he will provide me with the opportunity to receive such.  Unlike the me of old, I want to maintain faith and resolve to trust in the Lord and his goodness that he will provide the blessings that he has promised me.  I've doubted him before, but I'm going to do my best to not do it again.

Bombshell

Before I begin, I want to make sure that you're caught up on the back story.

When I was 18.75 years old, I turned in papers to serve a full-time, proselyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  A couple weeks later, I was asked to complete an additional medical evaluation to determine if I could serve in the field without the medication I was taking at the time.  The evaluator determined that I was in need of the medication in question and, thus, could not serve a mission, because this substance was not allowed in the mission field.  My branch president pulled me into his office and told me I wouldn't be getting a call in April of '07.

After this, I went to BYU, met a couple crazy girls, made some great friends, and made tons of people feel awkward in social situations.  Best time of my life (so far).  I graduated, couldn't find a job, sat around for a while and now I'm in grad school at Oregon State.  You know that part of the story.

Now fast forward to the 24th of August 2012, almost two months after I had been through the temple for my own endowments.

During the previous days, I had been contemplating what I should do with my life and what my plans should be after graduation.  As I awoke that morning, I had a very distinct, unmistakable impression that I should try again to serve a full-time, proselyting mission in my youth.  I tried to dismiss this impression like Jonah and hop the next ship to Tarshish.  This wasn't the first time since I'd been deemed ineligible that the thought had occurred to me. However, at other times, it has been easy to push out of my mind and dismiss as a stupor of thought.  This time it stuck with me.  I had already planned to return to the temple that day to do an endowment session.  As I was sitting in the celestial room, I prayed as to what I should do in my future and if I should again try to serve a mission in my youth.  I received another impression in accord with the first.

As it turns out, I actually took two different medications when I was 18.75 years old.  For semantics' sake, we'll call one of them Pyridoxine and the other Tocopherol (not their real names).  For years following my non-call, I had always assumed that it was the Pyridoxine that had kept me from serving.  This is most likely from my own, internal bias resulting from the fact that that medication was more vital to my well-being than the Tocopherol.  In reality, Tocopherol was a newer, more powerful, and more closely monitored medication (though it had received FDA approval, for what that's worth).  In the years following, I've continued to take the Pyridoxine, but stopped taking the Tocopherol a couple years back, as it was no longer particularly necessary.

I talked with my bishop the following Sunday and asked him to contact the missionary department on my behalf.  It turns out that a young man is allowed to serve while on the medication that I've code named Pyridoxine, assuming that he can pass the same medical evaluation I underwent 5 years ago.  Yesterday, I went to Eugene to undergo another evaluation.  The evaluator said that she'd be glad to recommend me to serve a mission.

As I contemplate this concept, it makes the whole of my life since I turned 18 make much more sense.  I was not called when I was 19 because the Lord wanted my grandfather to be able to supplement my education.  When I sought to marry a young woman (or two) the answer was a resounding 'no' because the Lord still wanted me to serve.  The Lord lead me almost forcibly to Oregon State University so that I could be prospered financially and be around people who would help me come to the conclusion that I should try again to serve a mission.  I even think the Lord prompted my bishop to ask when he did if I wanted to go through the temple for my endowments so that my spiritual eyes could be more fully opened and I could receive these revelations.  Without the clarity the endowment has brought me, I would almost certainly not be making this post.

Then there's the financial prosperity the Lord has brought me itself.  For the last year, or so, I've kind of been wondering what I'd do with the big pile of money with which I've been blessed.  I figured I'd use it to pay down my student loans and/or help get myself set up when I graduated and/or get myself a motorcycle.  I was wrong on the last two accounts and mostly wrong on the first one.  At this point the two biggest hurdles to my missionary service are the aforementioned student loans and some dental work.  My teeth aren't nearly as pristine as they were in 2007.  (Seriously, I had gorgeous teeth.)  Now, I'll need at least 2 fillings, probably a[n inlay], and hopefully not too obscenely much in my roots.  With the big pile of cash with which I've been blessed, I should have enough to make 25+ payments on my student loans, get the dental work done, and pay for most of my mission, assuming the dental work isn't absolutely obscene.  My path has clearly been blessed by the hand of God.

At this point, my plan is to finish my master's degree as planned and graduate in June of next year.  It's unlikely that I'll be ready much before that time, regardless.  I will probably begin papers in February or March and submit them in May for a July availability date.  At no point in this process will I absolutely assume that I will be getting a mission call.  I have learned to not be pretentious.  Though it seems very likely that I will get a call, I'm perfectly willing to accept the possibility that I, again, won't.  I ask that you take a similar approach for me and any other prospective missionaries.  I'd really appreciate it.

However, I'm more than happy to accept predictions.  If you're going to make one, I recommend taking into account that I will be taking a medication, though that medication is fairly easy to get and fairly cheap.  Still, I think somewhere in the US or Canada would be the most realistic prediction.  If I had the luxury of hand-picking a mission, I'd want to go to Winnipeg, Manitoba, because I like Canada and Manitoba, Saskatchewan, and western Ontario seem like good places.  Yes, I know it would be wicked-cold there; hand warmers would be a must.  If I was to log a more realistic prediction, I'd say [Arcadia], California speaking Spanish, because that's where East LA is and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Lord wants me to learn to love illegal immigrants, even if I don't accept their life choices.

Updates will most certainly follow.

The House of the Lord

Disclaimer: This post is about LDS (Mormon) temples.  As such, this post will be geared toward an LDS audience.  If you're not a Latter-day Saint, feel free to read it. There's nothing secret here, but be prepared to be bored out of your mind.

Over the years, I've had a somewhat complicated relationship with the temple of the Lord.

When I was baptized and received the Aaronic priesthood, I was able to go to the temple to do baptisms and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  I felt like I really had a connection to those who had passed on and like I was doing something that was good and right in the eyes of God.  That experience was also the topic on which I gave my first sacrament talk.

The Denver Colorado Temple

I went on another couple of trips to the temple to do baptisms and I felt equally awesome about those.  However, as they always do, things changed.  When I was called to not serve, it also meant that I would not be taking out my own endowments when I was 19, as most young men do.  I would have to wait.  I went to BYU in the fall, and went to do baptisms a couple of times at the Provo temple.  As much as the workers in that temple tried, they just couldn't make me feel welcome.  Each time I went, I had to explain, in gross detail, why I wasn't going on a mission to like seven different ancient dudes who couldn't hear.  I felt sad and demoralized in a place where I was supposed to feel the greatest joy.  The last time I went to do baptisms for the dead was in about March of 2008, over 4 years ago.

Would I tell you a story if it didn't have a happy resolution?  The answer is yes, but that isn't the case this time around.

A few weeks ago, my bishop realized that I hadn't actually been through the temple, despite being the ward clerk.  That's not a rule, it's just a generally accepted practice.  Unendowed men are chosen to be ward clerks about as often as women are chosen to be ward mission leaders, but that's a total tangent.  The next week, my bishop had the executive secretary set up an appointment with me.  I figured that we'd start the long road to preparing for me to go the temple, but when I walked in, my bishop talked a little about the temple ceremonies, asked me the interview questions, and filled out a living ordinance recommend for me.  It took a little effort, but I got the stake president's signature as well and I was ready to go.

This last Wednesday, I went through the temple for the first time to take out my own endowments.  I went with my dad and my best friend during my time in Provo, Hyrum, who flew out especially for the occasion.  After many years of living with and being around the endowed, I was very well-prepared for the ordinances that took place in the temple.  Several people told me that it would be weird and/or slightly difficult to do it the first time, but it all came very intuitively to me and I enjoyed the whole thing.  Despite not trying particularly hard to remember the elements of the ceremony, I have a great memory at this time in my life, and I felt like I remember quite a bit.  While I was there I recaptured some of that zeal that I'd had when I was a new convert and was able to go do baptisms for the first time.  I feel like the temple changed my life a little bit that day, and that it will change my life a lot as I continue to go back.  I look forward to going to the temple again many times in the future and trying to dissect and glean all the elements of the ceremonies.  I also look forward to being sealed to an eternal companion in that holy house, whenever that might come.

At the temple with Hyrum... and his gold medal.

The temple is the house of God here upon the earth.  It has taken me years longer to get there than I ever thought it would, but now that I've seen it, I know that it was worth the wait.  In fact the blessings of the temple are worth whatever sacrifice must be made.  The sacrifices of time and money are often concerns, but these are often small, especially for saints in North America.  The sacrifice of sin may be one that is much more difficult to make.  The Lord has asked us to give up certain behaviors in exchange for those that will bring us greater happiness.  If we are like King Lamoni and are willing to give away all our sins so that we can come to know God, we will greatly blessed and will be able to find this happiness eventually.  We must give up our sins in order to enter the temple and participate in the sacred ordinances that take place therein.  I testify that the blessings of the temple are worth it and will bring you to a state of everlasting happiness.

I know that this is the case for me.

The Marriage Relationship

I should probably start this post with the disclaimer that I've never been married and will undoubtedly not be married within the next year.  However, I've gathered some things from eternal truth revealed from God, the observation of other people's marriages, and the wisdom that I've accumulated over the last 23+ years of life on this Earth, so I think I have a pretty good basis to make the commentary that I'm about to.  Also, if this doesn't reflect the reality of things as they are, I will gladly live a life of celibacy and never think about any woman ever again.

There are two things that I absolutely hate to hear from married people.  The first is almost irrelevant and the second is of dire importance, such that I believe that the eternal life of man and woman rides upon it.

First, I really hate it when married people say, "Oh my gosh, I married the (wo)man of my dreams."  All I can think is, "Really?  You had the entirety of your imagination at your disposal, and *that's* what you came up with?  I'm disappointed."  If you married the person of your dreams, I applaud you on keeping your expectations low, but I have to wonder about your sense of creativity and imagination (and I'm an engineer).  Like I said, this is almost irrelevant, but I felt like I should share as long as we're on the topic of things I hate hearing married people say.

The second is far more common and far more important.  I really hate hearing married people say, "My [spouse] made me do [insert activity name here]," or "My [spouse] doesn't let me [insert activity here]."  I hear this most often from men speaking of their wives.  I assume it's usually in jest, but sometimes I have to wonder if the speaker actually believes it.

I find this to be patently false the vast majority of the time.  I don't think I've ever seen a person being physically forced to do something by their spouse.  I'm positive that it happens in certain situations, but that's the topic for another post (yeah right, not on this blag).  I think that, in the vast majority of cases, the true reasoning can actually be boiled down to two possibilities.  A better way of saying this would be either, "I fear the natural and/or contrived consequences that would be imposed if I (don't) [insert activity here],"  or "I am (refraining from) [insert activity here] because I love my [spouse] and am willing to make that sacrifice."

While the first statement is sufficient to keep a marriage relationship together and both members reasonably happy, it should be made clear that the second statement is the higher law.  For example, it's good for a man to say, "I'm not going to go out on a boat with a pair of hookers and a briefcase full of blow because I'm afraid that my wife would shoot me in the junk and take half my stuff."  That will, indeed, keep a marriage together and keep both members relatively happy.  However, it's much better if that man was to say, "I'm not going out on a boat with hookers and blow because I sincerely love my wife and it would break her heart. (And I don't want to give her herpes!)"  I use such an extreme example because "I'm not allowed to go out on a boat with hookers and blow," just sounds ludicrous.  Feel free to substitute a more appropriate example to your life.

The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches men and women that personal sacrifice is an essential part of happiness in this life and vital to the life hereafter.  To love someone is essentially to willingly make sacrifices for their benefit.  Christ performed the ultimate act of love when he laid down his life so that we could live eternally.  We should do the same in our lives and our marriages.  I believe that it is by small and simple sacrifices each day that we show love for one another and that we should not frame these sacrifices as acts of compulsion in our speech.  If you're doing something because you love your spouse, you should say it that way. In reality, no one can force their spouse, or anyone else, to do something contrary to their own will.  If you're doing or refraining from doing something, it's because you are making a choice to do so; and hopefully this choice is motivated by love rather than fear of consequences, though both are sufficient.

If and when I get married, this will be my approach to marriage.  I refuse to approach it any other way, and I will ask my wife to strive to approach our marriage the same way.  And, as I stated before, if I'm totally off base on this, I will gladly join a monastery.  That's just how I roll.

A Secret Combination

A few weeks ago, I received an email from someone associated with the American Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) about joining the Order of the Engineer.  This organization is a group of engineers who take an oath to be ethical in their designs, and to generally do what is right and best for the profession.  All who have graduated with at least a bachelor's degree in engineering are welcome to join.  The members of this organization wear a stainless steel (or wrought iron in Canada) ring on the pinky finger of their dominant hand to remind them of the oath they've made.

The Engineer's Ring

I thought it was a good idea in principle, but something felt just slightly off about it (in addition to the fact that I'm allergic to Chromium (II) Oxide).  I then read the Order of the Engineer website about the engineer's ring itself:

"In Canada, the Engineer’s Ring is a wrought iron ring accepted by engineers inducted into the Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer in a secret ceremony."

And it struck me that this order was basically a group who had covenanted to do good, but not in the name of the Lord.  Though this group is almost entirely harmless in both the temporal and eternal scheme of things, it still qualifies as a secret combination.

As a latter-day saint, I believe that I've made a set of covenants of a higher order that includes not only ethical design behavior, but a strict moral code to go along with it.  My hesitance to join the Order of the Engineer was inspired by my oath to do good not only in the sight of society, but also in the eyes of God.  I've been called not only to honestly design things to the best of my ability, but also to abstain from substance abuse and sensuality, to help those who cannot help themselves, and to do all that the Lord asks of me.  The covenants of the Gospel of Christ are inclusive of those made by the Order of the Engineer and include many others.

Even though the Order of the Engineer is a secret combination, I still liked the idea of wearing a ring on one's dominant hand to remind him or her of their obligation to society and/or to God.  Then I was hit with a stroke of genius inspiration.  Mormons have a very similar thing called a CTR ring, (for Choose The Right, a popular hymn that almost all members know by heart) which are often made of silver.  Though it is not directly associated with the covenants made, it can be worn to remind one to do what it right.  So, I bought one and and now wear it on my right pinky finger.

A CTR ring.  Not quite the same as the one I got.

And, as a disclaimer, despite the abominable label I've given to Order of the Engineer, I actually think it's a great organization that encourages engineering ethics, particularly for those who aren't necessarily religious.  You should join if you're interested... and have at least a bachelor's degree in engineering... and aren't allergic to Chromium (II) Oxide.

I Demand a Manual Recount of Your Blessings

You know those corny things where people make a list of their blessings on their blag?  Yeah, this is one of those things.  I took the title from my recollection of a Jay Leno joke from the 2000 US Presidential Election:

"George W. Bush sits down with his family to Thanksgiving dinner.  They sit around the table and start counting their blessings.  Then, all of the sudden, Al Gore breaks down the door with his lawyers at his back, pounds his fist down on the table and says..."

...wait for it...

"'I demand a manual recount of your blessings!'"

I thought it was pretty clever.

So, today I was thinking about how I've seemed to be so much luckier than my dad in most things in my life so far.  Then I started thinking about how I'm a pretty lucky guy in general.  That led me to think that, as a man who esteems himself to be a Christian, I shouldn't consider myself lucky as much as I should consider myself blessed (though you can't totally discount pure happenstance).  So, here we go:

• I left my car unattended for three weeks and the only difference in it compared to when I left was a spider web that had been spun on the passenger-side mirror.
• I have a car that's paid for in its entirety and is warrantied bumper-to-bumper for the next 4 years.
• Today, I traveled over 1300 miles in under 12 hours for less than $250.
• Oregon State University pays me $1700 a month (before taxes) to get a master's degree and occasionally grade a few assignments.
• Speaking of Al Gore, I have a blazing-fast internet connection that gives me access to endless concourses of information, both of a factual and social nature.
• Though it may appear to be in decline, I live in a point on the time-space continuum that's among the most prosperous in human history.
• I have a bachelor's degree from a highly-respected institution of higher education.
• My parents cared enough about me to teach me many of the important skills to a prosperous life in this world.
• I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I have a testimony of the Gospel of Christ.
• I'm pretty smart, but sufficiently humble that I can recognize when people are smarter and/or more knowledgeable than me. (barely)
• Today, I wore a pair of 95-dollar shoes that were made by small children in a sweatshop in China.
• There are still single women who flirt with me every now and then.
• Duct tape.
• Knowledge that God did not abandon us to find our own way and let nature take its course, but continues to reveal the right way through prophets.
• BYU football just wrapped up another 10-win season.
• Despite its flaws and the raging viral infection currently wrecking havoc on my upper respiratory system, my body works pretty well, for the most part.
• I have really good hand-eye coordination.  That's why they call me The Hands.
• There are pills you can take that mostly negate the effects of a lack of vegetables in your diet.
• Antiseptic mouthwash does wonders.
• I've had the opportunity to learn another language (mostly) and have been able to keep it bouncing around in my head with relatively little outside practice.
• I can read and write in both languages that I speak.
• There's a postal system that will take some crap that you wrote and, for 42 cents, send it to some random dude in Wyoming within 3 days.  (Thank you Jon Stewart)
• People who have come before me have refined the body of knowledge on clay and stone and steel so that I could understand what I do now.
• Someone thought up glasses for vision correction and someone else thought up sunglasses for light dimming.
• I have a telephone that fits in my pocket.
• I have a calculator that also fits in my pocket (kind of) that does calculus and matrix algebra, graphs functions in 2- and 3-space, and adds.
• Drafting erasers for when I royally screw up engineering calculations.
• An outright unhealthy abundance of food.
• Clean drinking water that's piped to a tap in your house, essentially for free.
• A Savior who lived a life that was beyond reproach from God, suffered incomprehensible pain, and died so that I and 15 billion of my closest friends and family can by happy for the rest of eternity.
• And, undoubtedly, many more.

Ten Virtuous Ladies

In Sunday School this last weekend, the instructor focused mostly on the first thirteen verses of Matthew 25, more commonly known as the parable of the ten virgins.  If you're not familiar with the story, it goes a little something like this.  There were ten women betrothed to marry a man, and it was their wedding day.  As a side note, polygamy was socially accepted at Jesus' time, but few men could afford it.  I guess women have always been expensive... but I digress.  Five of these women brought their little clay lamps and brought extra fuel oil with them.  The other five didn't bring extra oil and had to go out and buy more. By the time these five got back, the wedding had already started and they had been locked out.

 

This parable is analogous to how well prepared the righteous are to receive Christ at his coming.  All of the women were suitable in the eyes of the man.  Would you really marry someone who you didn't like, even if could have more than one spouse?  So, all of these women were a part of God's kingdom on Earth.  Some just slacked off and weren't prepared when the time came.

Now, this parable is pretty cool, in and of itself, but I wouldn't post this if I didn't think I had something good to add to it.  As a geotechnical engineer, I'm more expert than your average person in just about all things dirt related.  Inasmuch as the lamps that these ladies had were made out of clay, I feel like I can offer some insights.

Individual particles of clay are long and thin and don't necessarily fit together into a uniform structure all that well.  When clay particles are deposited, they don't all lay flat.  Some of them end up standing up on end to a certain degree and creating relatively large voids in the soil structure.  This is called flocculation.  Because of the electrical nature of clays, the presence of salt ions increases the effect, making the soil more flocculated. In addition, clay particles often like to stick together in clumps called "packets" which, again, aren't necessarily uniform and create somewhat larger pores in the clay structure.

A uniform clay structure at the top with a flocculated clay structure in the middle. The bottom picture is a more macroscopic view of clay structure, giving more insight into its porous nature.

In somewhat recent geological history, the holy land and much of the middle east was covered by an ocean.  This is where the limestone that was used to construct the Pyramids of Giza came from.  Thus, many of the clay deposits in the holy land were deposited by oceans.  This gives these clay deposits high salt ion content and a relatively high degree of flocculation.

What it all comes down to is that the clay in Israel is highly porous.  The highly flocculated structure makes pores in the clay through which a fluid like water or oil can flow.  Even though the clay was kind of fired, it still retains these properties, for the most part.

Getting back to the parable of the ten virgins, the five women who didn't bring oil thought that they could make it through the time they had to wait with just the oil they had.  The Bible doesn't mention it specifically, but I think it's quite possible that they thought they could just put out their lamps and wait until they needed them again.  Because of the porous nature of clay in general, and especially the clay in Israel, the oil in their lamps leaked out and they did not have enough when they needed it.  In short, that's not how it works; these ladies still had to pay the piper for their lack of preparedness.

The moral of the story for our lives is that we need to carry extra oil with us, because we could run out unexpectedly.  If we are to be prepared for the Savior when He comes, we must keep more testimony of the gospel with us than we think we need. If you don't have enough with you, you may run out unexpectedly and not have enough time to go find some.  No one knows when He'll come specifically, so really, it's best to have plenty on you at all times.

Jerk Theory and the Law of Chastity

After my last post about 9 hours ago, I received a comment from one Colonel Crimson, who, I'm about 99% confident, is a SpUte fan (but hey, we all have our faults.)  After reading through a few posts on the Colonel's blag, there are two things that I want to say.

The first is that the tenants of 'Jerk Theory' or 'The Game' are at least half true.  Jerk theory basically states that women prefer men who treat them like crap; women will deny this left and right, but they often end up with guys who treat them like crap, regardless of how much they say they want a guy who's funny, nice, and smart.  In the words of the Colonel, women will follow after "alpha (α) males" (douchebags, essentially) while ignoring the "beta (β) males" who are less aggressive.  On the contrary, women will tell you that they want a guy who treats them well and respects them.  These two ideas are contradictory and neither seem to reflect the total reality.

Because of the evolution of the human race, there are compromises between aggression and docility (for lack of a better word) among males.  In primal human males, the trait of aggression was perpetuated not only because more aggressive men were more likely to pursue women with whom to reproduce, but also because aggressive men were more likely to be able to protect their offspring from outside threats and keep them alive to reproduce and pass on those genes.  However, aggression is not a universally beneficial concept in the realm of evolution.  A male who is too aggressive will be prone to killing his mate and/or their offspring and will not be able to pass down his genes.  Thus, there is a balance to strike between the aggressive and the docile characteristics of males.

Primal females had to strike that balance, and try to find a man who was aggressive enough to protect their offspring, but not so aggressive as to kill and eat them.  We can observe similar behavior in modern women.  The traits of aggression and docility are manifest as confidence and niceness (again for lack of a better word) respectively in men.  These ideas are not inherently mutually exclusive, even though one tends to take away from the other in the observed populace.   The best responses I've received from women have been at times when I was both confident and respectful.  From what I've been able to gather from my time on the Earth, women want a man who has both swagger and a deep respect for the woman who he's with.

Unfortunately, the traits of confidence and aggression often end being correlated with self motivation, greed, and straight-up douchebaggery.  Due to the nature of our evolution, the slightly more aggressive ends up edging out the slightly more docile and the aggressive man who treats women like crap ends up with more women than the docile man who tries to remember what his mom told him about being nice to women.  Thus, jerk theory is born even though a balance between confidence and respect would be more ideal.

I have to add as a slight disclaimer to this logic, that, in my adult life, I've generally pursued women who were fairly nice and docile themselves.  I'm not the kind of guy who goes after the b*tchy, slutty my-size Barbie doll.  If that's the woman you're after, then treating her like crap might just be the way to go.  And also, as if you couldn't tell from my last post, I'm not exactly the mack daddy of Heimlich County; these are just analytical observations I've made of other relationships as well as of my own along with a parallel to principles of biology to reconcile both jerk theory and what women do to reality.

Secondly, I'd like to bear my witness of the law of the chastity.  I was a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I've experience firsthand that sexual contact is not the way to long term happiness.  In the end, the only way to avoid the heartbreak and sadness that eventually come from illicit sexual activity is to abstain from it altogether.  I've felt empty and worthless as a direct result of the things that I've done, and it was only through the atonement of Christ that I was able to feel whole.  I have a testimony that marriage in the temple is ordained by God and I have set it as a goal for myself to make that covenant, despite all the stacked odds against me.

And to Colonel Crimson, if you end up reading this, I want you to know that I respect you, I really do.  You refuse to accept the bullsh*t that women dish out about just wanting a guy who's "nice and funny."  You've taken a step back, examined the facts as they really are, and realized that what we hear isn't usually what we see.  Naturally, I think your conclusions are slightly misguided, but I respect you for making them nonetheless.  Stay classy, my friend.

Two Way Traffic

Followers of this blag might be surprised to learn that my favorite talk from the recently-adjourned general conference was a talk by Sister Elaine Dalton, the President of the Young Women organization.  In her talk, Sister Dalton discussed how three of her sons had recently had daughters and, at least in some way, looked to Sister Dalton for help and advice in how to raise them.  She said, simply, that the best thing a man can do for his daughter is to love her mother and to show to her what a loving and gospel-centered home is like.

This might be puzzling, based on my tumultuous and often antagonistic relationship with women as a whole.  However, that's just it.  This talk hearkens back to the root of my tumultuous relationship with women, which is that my mother didn't really show her love for my father in a healthy or constructive way.  I'd like to add my testimony to that of Sister Dalton, by saying that the best thing a parent can do for their opposite-gender child is to love their spouse in a way that their child can see what a healthy and celestial marriage is like.  I testify that the counsel that Sister Dalton offered to the men of the church applies equally well to the sisters when seeking counsel in how to raise their sons.  Women are more naturally predisposed to follow this counsel without even thinking about it, but I live as a testament that this is not always the case.  It is important that, regardless of gender, latter-day saints take care to love their spouses, for their own sakes, as well as for the sakes of their children.

I'm sure that, at some point, the Lord will bless me with a daughter, much like the sons of Sister Dalton.  When this happens, I look forward to following the counsel of this general officer and showing to my daughter what a loving, gospel-centered home is like.  To me, there is little more important in my future family life than breaking the cycle of gender-based contention that started generations ago, long before anyone on my mother's side of the family had the gospel.

The gospel of Christ gives us guidance to do things that we never thought we could do, like raising a son or a daughter.  I think that's pretty grand.

[Video of Sister Dalton's talk.]

Foresight

I have a testimony that the Lord knows which path in our lives will lead, ultimately, to the most happiness much more than we know it ourselves.  If we trust in the Lord... and even sometimes when we don't really, he will guide us toward the paths that will lead us to the most prosperity.  There are elements in my life currently that I never could have predicted nor have pieced together that has lead me to a great place, even in the midst of bitter circumstances.

I've pretty much blagged about all the elements of my life before, but have never really put the pieces together until now. 

My consideration of Oregon State University for a master's degree began well over a year ago while I was still under the impression that I would work in industry for a few years to figure out where I wanted to specialize before beginning a master's degree.  Like most of the other schools I began considering, my interest in Oregon State was based on their ranking in US News and World Report.  Though, unlike most other schools, Oregon State seemed to stand out at me as a good idea even though I'd never been to Oregon and had little experience with the university outside the '09 Las Vegas Bowl.  (In retrospect, this was an inspired decision.)

With most of the schools in the rankings, I could find one or more reasons to remove them from consideration based on their graduate assistant policies, grad programs, research, etc.  However, Oregon State, ranked at #41 (in an 8-way tie), managed to stick around.  While other schools lost favor, I couldn't find any reason to not like Oregon State.  The earliest list of potential grad schools I made in this blag was in March of '10, which would have been about the time I started considering Oregon State.

In July of '10, even though I still held out vain hope of finding a job, I decided to take the GRE just in case I wanted to apply to grad school in the fall.  This turned out to be another clearly inspired decision.

As my desires to continue fruitlessly applying and networking for jobs faded, I applied for master's programs at 7 institutions of higher learning.  As I began the process, it was fairly evident that I would have to pick a specialization, ready or not.  I decided that I had been trying to convince myself that I didn't like geotech and that that was really my favorite specialty after all.  Applying for the geotech program was a third inspired decision.

In March and April of '11, I was thinking that I wouldn't receive funding from any of the schools to which I had applied and that I would attend CU-Boulder.  I was wrong on both accounts.  I received funding for the 2011-2012 school year from Oregon State and immediately began the process of matriculating.  The tuition waiver and stipend that I received were the first immense blessing that I received on account of my inspired decisions.

On March 11, 2011, a megathrust subduction earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the northeast side of Honshu, Japan causing extreme loss of property and life.  A similar subduction fault exists a few miles west of the Oregon and Washington coasts, and the prospect of an almost identical quake hitting western Oregon scared the Benjamins out of the state government.  They will now be providing a significant piece of funding to the one significant civil engineering program in the state, at Oregon State University.  See my previous blag post about this here.

The professor who is spearheading much of this research (who did his undergrad at Georgia Tech) is brand new at the university, since they have been understaffed for the past couple years.  I just talked to him this morning and he said that administration and red tape would need to be taken care of for the next few months and that the research would begin in earnest in the first few months of next year.  To put it bluntly, the timing is perfect.  And since this professor is brand new, he doesn't have many grad students/other minions of his own, allowing me to slip in fairly easily.  Trust me, I'm at least as amazed as you at this point.

In summary, with foresight of a pair of unforeseeable events, the Lord was able to prepare a path for me leading to more happiness than I could have ever procured following my own plan(s).  I've rarely considered myself very keen on hearing and listening to the still, small voice of the Spirit.  However, will even the tertiary ear that I lent Him, the Lord was able to guide me.  And I'm sure that the guidance and blessings are not over.  My time in Oregon has only begun and there is almost certainly more in store were this much came from.

Football and Other Unregrets

I have very few regrets about the decisions that I've made in my life so far. There are decisions on which I wish I had been better informed. There are also decisions that have been made for me that I wish had turned out differently. Though, I don't have many regrets, I've been out of control of my life for a high enough proportion of my time to create feelings of regret even though the word "regret" doesn't really fit. I've looked around, and I haven't really found a single word that fits this phenomenon very well, so I usual end up calling them "unregrets" because they are kind of like regrets, but they aren't.

Of course the biggest unregret of my life is not being able to serve a full-time proselyting mission for the Church of Latter-day Saints. When I was 18 and 9 months, I decided that I was going to serve a mission for the church, but the missionary department had other plans, and my mission papers ended up coming back negative. In case anyone is curious, you don't actually get any paperwork back when you're not allowed to serve, you just get called into your bishop/branch president's office where he informs you that you will not be serving a mission, but I digress.

I was inspired to write this post today because one of my good friends asked me a very simple question today:

"Did you play football?"

I was wearing the BYU football shirt new for the 2011 season, so it was a perfectly reasonable question to ask. In all honesty, at 6'2" and a couple bucks and change, I'm surprised that I don't get asked more often, but it made me think.

I would have loved to have played football. I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't like football and watch it frequently. I even have the build of a guy who could play in the NFL, not that I necessarily suppose I would have made it that far. The position I would have played is tight end, for which I would have been perfect. In addition to my impressive ability to catch things (footballs in this case), I have a plethora of lower-body strength that would allow me to effectively block other players, my size and larger. Simply put, I would have loved football and football would have loved me in return.

The problem was that my father had a borderline-irrational fear of me blowing out a knee and never really being the same again. For whatever reason, he allowed me to play catcher in baseball, (my knees did just fine, my ankles actually took the worst of it) and ride a dirt bike around like a madman, but not play any position in football. Since we have way too many lawyers in this country and every organization morbidly fears getting sued for all the contents of its balance sheet plus some, there's a mountain of paperwork that has to be filled out before anyone can play any sport. Since I was under 18 at the time, I could not vouch for myself, but required parent/legal guardian signatures for everything. Since my dad wasn't having it and my mom wasn't going to sign anything that my dad wouldn't sign, I was hosed.

I don't want anyone to think that I don't love my parents or that their decision ruined the life of fame and luxury I could have had playing in the NFL (or merely going to college for free). I just happen to disagree with them on this particular thing. I believe that I possessed enough cognitive and emotional ability, even at the age of 12, to make that decision for myself, and I don't think I would have regretted it. I could even understand requiring me to quit if I got injured even once, but I think totally forbidding me to play based on the possibility of injury was unreasonable.

I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes things in life get decided for you regardless of your feelings for the outcome. The important thing is to choose wisely how you react to these situations and not dwell on things that you cannot change. If you're a man or woman of God, you have to recognize that He has a plan for you regardless of whether you end up playing football, or going on a mission, or a whole host of other things. And maybe trust the decisions of your children if made with wisdom and discernment. :)

On a totally unrelated note, I've decided that, if I ever have the money and resources, I'm going to get myself an Emerald Toucanet and build it a climate-controlled, steel-framed plexiglass structure on the back side of my house.


Now there's a decision I wouldn't regret.

Justice

Earlier today, a jury of her peers in Florida acquitted Casey Anthony (pictured on the left) of the murder of her nearly 3 year-old daughter, Caylee. Despite the chagrin of many across the country, I believe that the justice system of the United States and Florida reached the proper conclusion.

Before I go any further, allow me to say that, based on my knowledge of her life, Casey Anthony is kind of a despicable person and a burden on our society. She was a terrible mother, a habitual liar, and generally lived a life of deceit and treachery, opportunistically taking what she could from whom she could without remorse. She continued this deception when she was arrested multiple times in connection to the disappearance of her child and the various frauds that she committed in the mean time. There is a chance that she either killed her child, Caylee, or contributed in a significant way to her death, however, this suspicion alone is not enough to put her away for life, or to execute her, as the prosecution was seeking.

The biggest reason that I believe the justice system worked in this case was the evidence. There was no physical evidence that the child was murdered and did not die of natural causes, as Casey Anthony testified. Let's take a brief look at what the prosecution had:

• A hair that may or may not have belonged to Caylee Anthony in the trunk of Casey Anthony's car that may or may not have exhibited post-mortal behavior according to research from the University of Tennessee.
  
• A suspicious smell emanating from the trunk of Casey Anthony's car that was later found to contain a bag of garbage.
• Chemical analysis of the air from the trunk of Casey Anthony's car that found traces of chemicals "Consistent with a decomposition event" and chloroform. As a side note, scientists disagree about the exact chemical nature of air exposed to human decomposition.
• Google searches for "neck breaking," "how to make chloroform," and "death" from Casey Anthony's computer.
• Laundry bags, plastic bags, and duct tape similar to what was found at the crime scene were found in the Anthony home.
• A joke picture of one of Casey Anthony's ex-boyfriends drugging a woman with chloroform.
• Instant messages between Casey Anthony and now ex-boyfriend Tony Rusciano that may or may not have given motive.
• Imprints of old diary entries that spoke of how Casey Anthony was happy with changes in her life that had since been removed from the diary.
  
• A badly decomposed body identified as Caylee Anthony in a plastic bag with duct tape covering the skull in a wooded area near the Anthony home.

Now juxtapose this with what the prosecution didn't have:

• A solid cause of death.
• A murder weapon. (Which would be impossible to identify without a cause of death.)
• A confession.
  
• Any eyewitness accounts.
• Anything connecting Casey Anthony with intentional physical harm of her daughter, Caylee, in her death or at any other time.

Based on the evidence, I believe that Casey Anthony could not be convicted of murder even though she may have done it. Her motivations and alibis are sketchy, but the lack of real, physical evidence means that she should be only convicted on the counts of lying to the police, which she was. If we, as a society, genuinely believe the mantra, "Innocent until proven guilty," then we must consider Casey Anthony innocent, because she has not been proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I congratulate the jury on ignoring the sensationalizing of the prosecution and examining the evidence as it really was.

Cases in the past have been successfully tried entirely on circumstantial evidence. However, I believe that this phenomenon is a departure from what the founding fathers of the United States had in mind when they established our legal system. Just because one has the motive and the ability to commit a crime doesn't mean that he or she necessarily will, and thus should not be convicted of that crime. If there is no real, physical evidence that a crime was committed, guilt cannot be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, and as stated earlier, the suspect must be released as innocent.

This is where it really helps to be a man or woman of faith. I know that God holds all the possible evidence in the case of Casey Anthony and does not have to rely on a jury of her peers to enact justice. He has seen her works and knows the motivations of her heart, in all their strangeness. If she did truly murder her daughter, she will have to answer for this act and all her other perverse and sinful behavior before God and all others present, and will have to accept the punishments which are just.

At this point, I will leave the judging up to God and hope that Casey Anthony can change her ways before it's temporally and everlastingly too late.

The Walls of Jericho

The title to this post is not a metaphor, this post is about the actual walls of Jericho. Also this post is mostly a matter of opinion and intuition and may not reflect what truly happened at the siege of Jericho. However, I feel that, based on my limited knowledge of the events and basic principles of science, I can offer some insights to those who have not chosen my field of study.

Yesterday, in sacrament meeting, one of the talks was about the Book of Joshua, and coincidentally, about the events that took place in his life. The speaker gave a rendition of the events described in chapter 6 of the Book of Joshua when the children of Israel besieged the city of Jericho and brought its walls tumbling down. Being the nerd that I am, I took hold of this thought and have been thinking about it ever since; seriously, I have no idea what the second speaker talked about. I've thought about it, and based on my knowledge of soil and wave mechanics, I believe that I can offer a scientific explanation to what happened in Jericho several thousand years ago.

The story goes that after the children of Israel had crossed the river Jordan (not to be confused with the Jordan river in Utah) and besieged the city of Jericho, the Lord counseled Joshua, who was the prophet to have his warriors march around the city once a day for six days, after which the priests would blow a trumpet made from a ram's horn. Then, on the seventh day, they would march around the city seven times, blow the rams' horns for an extended period of time, and all the warriors would shout at the top of their lungs. The Lord promised that if they did this, the city of Jericho would be theirs.

I'm not totally familiar with the construction methods or materials of the era, nor am I intimately familiar with the soil conditions of the region. Based on other passages in the Bible and the construction of other structures at the same time, it would be reasonable to believe that either bricks or stones would have been used with either some bituminous material as mortar, or with no mortar at all. Also of note, the city of Jericho was located somewhere around 825 feet below sea level in a deep river basin. This would generally lead to soft soils with fairly small particle size and low angularity, resulting in low shear strength.

Figure 1. Soil and resonance in the Walls of Jericho failure.

I've included a picture of my own drawing as Figure 1, above, that says at least a thousand words about what I think could have happened. The cross-section of the wall is shown to be about plumb (vertical) before the children of Israel arrive and besiege the city. As the priests carrying the ark of the covenant and the warriors march around the city once daily, they put a force on the soil (FI) that results in stresses, shown by stress bulbs underneath the stick figure. These stresses would result in a lateral force (FL) being applied to the bottom of the wall, causing it to rotate slightly off of plumb. The priests then blowing their trumpets made of rams' horns could insight a low-amplitude vibration in the wall that could weaken both the wall's structure and the soil beneath it.

The marching around the city once a day would cause a certain amount of rotation of the wall, but would be partially ameliorated by the dissipation of pore pressures (water pressure in the soil). With time, the pore pressures would dissipate and the lateral force applied to the wall would dissipate as well. However, on the seventh day, when the children of Israel marched around the wall seven times, it created a large lateral force that could not be reduced by the dissipation of pore pressures in time. This caused an even greater rotation in the wall than the previous six days worth of daily marches.

When the priests blew their horns and the people gave a loud shout, it's probable that the sound waves induced either a large-amplitude vibration, or outright resonance in the wall. With the wall in its out-of-plumb state, it's possible that this vibration could have caused an eccentricity in the structure that brought it down all by itself. It's also possible that the vibration in the wall could have caused a shear failure in the soil beneath that would cause a brick or stone wall to collapse just from the static load of its weight (W). Another important thing to note is that a continuous wall cannot rotate outward without cracks forming along the top. In reality, it probably would have been contributions from all three of these factors that brought down the walls of Jericho.

In my picture, it would appear that the wall would have collapsed on the children of Israel. I really have no idea how tall the wall was nor do I know how far Israel was standing from it. I've also exaggerated the rotations of the wall to make them easier to see in the picture. There's also a good chance the Israel stood at least a few feet away from the wall in anticipation of collapse. The distance of the wall collapse outward and the distance that the children of Israel would have had to have marched in order to create a significant lateral force on the bottom of the wall may have been similar, but it really depends on the height and subterranean depth of the wall, which I decidedly don't know.

Now, the best part about this, in my opinion, is that not even the brightest and most educated people in the world would have had the slightest clue about soil or wave mechanics in 1200 BC, when Israel overthrew Jericho. Galileo recognized that a wave could vibrate with more energy than was put into it (basically resonance) in the early AD 1600s. Even better, Karl Terzaghi didn't give birth to modern soil mechanics until the AD 1940s. Trust me, the children of Israel were not the most educated people in the world, either. They had spent generations being slaves in Egypt and 40 years wandering through a barren desert. I don't suppose that there would have been a wealth of scientific knowledge flowing through the minds of the people of Israel.

The reason that Israel was able to use these complex scientific principles to their advantage over the gentiles was that the Lord knew all of these principles and more that even I don't understand now. The Lord revealed to Israel what they should do in order to conquer. It would have been a seemingly useless and monotonous thing to march around the city once a day for six days and then seven times on the seventh. This is especially true when an army is used to taking over cities by force, as was the convention at the time. I can imagine soldiers whining because they just wanted to take over the city already and move on to the promised land. However, the Lord had a plan for them to take over the city. When they had followed that plan, they were able to begin attacking the city from every side and to utterly destroy it without much loss on their side. In the same way, the Lord will guide each of us to better things than we could ever imagine if we will exercise patience and follow the plan that he has set up for us.

...Can't Live Without 'Em

Reading through the posts in my blag, you may think that I'm kind of a misogynist douche who hates everything about women. When I went through all of my blag posts, I realized that that's kind of the impression that I gave. Let me assure you that I love women and honestly wish that I saw more of them (i.e. the 'Unfortunate' in the title.) Here are some things that I love about women, in the order that I thought of them.

• Women are daughters of God. God loves his daughters just as much (never more and never less) than he loves his sons. He intended neither to have dominion over the other, but that they should work together so that each could obtain eternal life.
• Women are generally more emotional. Whether this trait is inherent or learned is a matter of debate, but regardless of which it is, it is a fact of life. Women, in many cases, are conversely talented to men. That is to say that women often have abilities that men don't and vice versa. In a family unit, a man generally functions as the analytical, organized, and boring left brain while a woman functions as the sensitive, impulsive, and fun-loving right brain. These two work together to make a functional and cohesive family unit. Women are the Yin to Men's Yang, if you will.
• Women are often more charitable. Because of their emotional disposition, women are more likely to give of their time and their substance to help others.
  
• Women generally like children. One time, fiancee #2 said that she was going to "convert me to babies." That is to say that she was going to try to convince me that babies are inherently wonderful. This is not possible with me, nor with any man because men are generally more analytical and task-oriented. All babies do is eat, poop, and cry and they really don't do us much good for years after their birth. Basically, we evolved as a species because men like to make babies and women like to actually have them. Were it not for women's affinity for babies, the very existence of homo sapiens as a species would be in jeopardy.
  
• Women teach their children to function in close relationships. As much as progressive feminists despise traditional gender roles, they are kind of inherent in our genes. Basically, men evolved to keep the ravenous, wild beasts from killing their family and women evolved to keep members of the family from killing one another. Generally, it's a mother who teaches her children to play nice with their siblings and the other kids and makes sure that there's at least a little equity amongst her children. This, hopefully, translates into the close and intimate* relationships that we have in adulthood being healthy and functional.
• Women are generally good at multitasking. Men's brains often function in a linear, systematic way that allows them to focus intently on one thing at a time and to do that one thing efficiently and effectively. Women's brains, conversely, tend to fire in several different directions at once, which allows them to do many different things at the same time. Thus, there are many non-linear, multi-focused tasks that women can perform better than men, conversely to the linear, single-focused things that men can do well.
• Women love to talk. Hearkening back to women being more emotional, women are more likely to try to communicate across a relationship. Human nature and society often constrains women from speaking their minds, but it is a beautiful part of femininity. Inasmuch as I'm not clairvoyant, I love it when a woman actually tells me directly what she's thinking about.
• Women are often concerned with appearance. While caring too much how things look can often be detrimental, it is often important to care at least a little bit. Men generally don't really care how things look and it often results in things looking like crap. Women help balance out this effect with their affinity for appearances.

I might be able to come up with some others, but I think I got all of the most important ones. Women are great, and together with men, we are equipped with the ability to find happiness in this life and in the next. I hope that all women can embrace who they are and what makes them women. Until next time, folks.

*Unlike most Mormons, I don't use 'intimacy' as a euphemism for sex. When I say intimate, I actually mean intimate.

Brethren, Our Prayers Have Been Answered

I knew a guy at the Colorado School of Mimes who was a member of the church and attended the institute. He told me a story that I found very entertaining, that I'm going to tell you now. To put this in context, Mines is a school wholly dedicated to engineering, and as such has gender ratios similar to the engineering building on any campus. The recruiters were actually being congratulated because they were up to 24% women. Well, as you could image, the student ward in town was one in a series of unfortunate dudefests. Basically, it was a bunch of single engineers, a couple people from Metropolitan State College of Denver who lived in the area, and a few married engineers with their wives. Single women were a scarce resource. So, this guy's story was that, one Sunday, he was attending the area family ward instead of the student ward. While he was in that ward, the BYU women's basketball team walked in and sat down among the congregation. And in his own words, "If this had been in the [student] ward, the bishop would have stood up and said, 'Brethren, our prayers have been answered.'"

That's kind of how I feel today, but not about women, about money. This morning, I emailed Kathy Westberg at Oregon State to confirm that she had received a written confirmation of my acceptance of the graduate laurels scholarship. She responded that she had received it and that everything was set. Literally 5 hours later, I received another email from Kathy saying that I had also been selected to receive a graduate teaching assistantship. Needless to say, I was very flattered at that point that the school of civil and construction engineering thought that high of me. I have asked the Lord repeatedly to help me find graduate funding and he has clearly softened the hearts of those at Oregon State University such that money has been flowing in my direction therefrom.

So, this assistantship involves basically the same thing as the scholarship plus a job. So, I still get three quarters of tuition remission, but along with it, I get $1738.03 a month in exchange for 20 hours of work a week as a teaching assistant. Is the equivalent of about $20 an hour more than I've ever made? Why yes... yes it is. By about double. I like this.

The only caveat to this assistantship is that I have to have health insurance. Thanks to our good friend Barack Obama, I am still covered under my parents' health insurance, though Oregon State really wants you to buy theirs. In order to waive the university's insurance, you have to provide proof that yours provides at least as good or better coverage than theirs. I called my parents' insurance company today and requested a copy of our insurance coverage that will be here in 7 to 10 business days that I can then send to the university along with an insurance waiver form. I'm going to submit the paperwork, even though it's hardly even worth it at this point. The university's health insurance only costs $43 a month, which is deducted from the stipend tax free. Put simply, I'm going to turn in the insurance waiver, but if it gets rejected, it won't hurt my feelings too much.

On a somewhat separate note, I found out from the Corvallis institute website that you can submit requests for roommates by sending an email to the institute. This will make finding a roommate with morals significantly easier. I like this as well.

Brothers and sisters, my prayers have been answered.

The Denkers Curse

First some background. My dad was born 'Gary Denkers.' He was the son of James and Kay Antoinette (Toni) Denkers. After these two divorced, Toni married a guy named Wes. He then adopted my dad and his 3 siblings and their last names were changed. This is why my grandpa on my dad's side (who's my only surviving grandparent at this point) has a different last name than my dad and me. My dad spent the first 16, or so, years of his life as Gary Denkers.

Now to the content. There is an interesting phenomenon on my dad's side of the family in which the men tend to get married very young to equally young women who end up being psycho and treating them like crap. My dad and I like to call this the Denkers curse. The Denkers curse has been present in at least the last 3 generations: my dad, his dad, and his dad before him.

My dad got married at age 21 to a woman who's almost six years older than him. I've previously expounded on the relationship between my parents in this blag and how this has done its share of screwing me up in the head, so I won't elaborate too much here. Suffice it to say that my mom has a really weird way of showing her love, even insomuch that those receiving it don't recognize it as love and sometimes wish that she wouldn't so much.

My grandpa got married at age 20 to a woman who could barely be called a woman at age 18. My dad was their first child and I've done the math, he was born about 6 or 7 months after they got married. From what my dad has told me, his mom was totally whacked out in the head. To be fair, she was only whacked in the head when she was drunk, unfortunately her blood alcohol content rarely fell below 0.20 because she chain drank screwdrivers constantly. As I previously mentioned, my dad's parents ended up getting divorced when he was about 8 and his mom remarried a few years later. About the time my dad was 18 (9 years before I was born) his mom committed suicide in their garage by carbon monoxide poisoning. Needless to say, I've never met her. I don't totally know exactly what the time frame is, but my grandpa also ended up getting remarried sometime afterward. I've actually seen the relationship between my grandpa and his second wife. She is substantially less psycho than my grandmother, but I still kind of thought that she treated my grandpa like he was a used tampon that gave her TSS. You can only imagine my surprise when my dad told me that she'd mellowed out in her old age. The moral of the story: my grandpa is very deeply 0 for 2.

I don't know a lot about the relationship between my great grandpa and his wife, I only know what my dad tells me. From what he has told me, my great grandmother was a very physically large woman who had a personality to match. This is where I get my large frame. I hear that she was great if you were on her good side, but that she was totally domineering if you weren't. I can only imagine how her husband was on her bad side more often than not.

I don't say these things to bash on women or to try to garner pity. I say this because I very deeply want to avoid the mistakes that my fathers have made. At this point I am 22 years old and am now over a year older than even the oldest of my ancestors when they got married. Also, even if I met a perfect companion as listed two posts ago today, I would still not get married before age 23. Granted, I only barely escaped the curse with my life. I was engaged to be married to fiancée #1 when I was 20 and to fiancée #2 when I was 21. I am very grateful that these relationships fell apart, because I can now see the writing on the wall of what they would have been.

There's also a factor in these three relationships that I have not yet mentioned. My dad told me a couple of years back, "If you and your prospective spouse stay in the church and keep the covenants you've made, you will do just fine." The biggest problem in these relationships was that these people weren't very active in the church for much of their lives. My great grandparents were what Elders Quorum Presidents would call "Semi-actives." They made it to church every once in a while, but never made a habit out of it. From what I've written here, it should be obvious that my grandparents were keeping the commandments of God much at all. Fortunately, my grandpa and his second wife have returned to the church and been active in their ward. After leaving home at 18, my dad was inactive for right around 25 years before he returned. My mom wasn't a member of the church when they got married and they originally built the foundation of their marriage on something other than the Gospel of Christ. What I take away from this knowledge is not only that getting married when you're young and stupid can be a terrible idea, but also that if a marriage has its piles driven deeply into the bedrock of Christ, there is nothing that remove it. It may be damaged and it may not look pretty from the outside, but it will stand strong.

Don't Confuse the Three

Over my about 22.5 years of life so far, I've gained some wisdom that I wish everyone, especially those in my age range, understood. This wisdom is a knowledge of the segmentation of and difference between three oft-confused things: Love, Lust, and Infatuation. In the US, we often add the meaning of latter two in the first. Like any word or words in English or other languages, the definitions of these can vary depending on who you ask and the context of the statement in which the word is used. There's a whole field of people who don't make any money as they study semantics. There are often no clean cut, concrete definitions for words and when there are, the definitions are always changing. Regardless of how you define the three words listed above, I have gained some insight into three phenomena of human interpersonal relationships that I have labeled as Love, Lust, and Infatuation, and I would encourage anyone who reads this to understand them and, at least in general, refer to them as such.

Much of my insight into these three interpersonal phenomena has come through my study of religion and religious texts. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my knowledge of these three things is irreversibly tied to my membership in this church and to my faith. I will refer to scriptural passages and to principles of the Gospel of Christ inasmuch as they have helped me learn about phenomena of human behavior.

Infatuation

Infatuation, as I know it, is an intense desire to be with a person to whom one is physically or emotionally attracted. In contemporary America, we often say things like "falling in love," when we refer to infatuation. This phenomena can be either one or two-sided; one person can be infatuated with another either with or without reciprocation. When infatuation is reciprocated, it often results in a passionate, whirlwind relationship. The sad truth that we all must face is that infatuation, no matter how fervent, is temporary. No matter how much we think we care for someone or how "in love" we may be, the infatuation will always burn out. Sociologists have studied the phenomenon of infatuation and have found that it generally lasts, at most, two years. Regardless of who is involved, the intense feeling of attraction of one person to another will usually die out within two years time. The important part is what we decide to do after that time.

Allow me to say, as a disclaimer, that I believe in the principles of evolution and the principles of creation and I do not believe that these two are mutually exclusive. You can disagree, and that's just fine with me. That being said, I will get on with my point. Evolutionary biologists tell us that infatuation developed in humans in order to increase our reproductive output. In other words, if we didn't fall into an intense attraction for another person we wouldn't reproduce nearly as much. The genes that inhibit infatuation have been naturally deselected, in a manner of speaking. I would just add that the God of heaven created us with a propensity for infatuation so that we would want to get married and fulfill that aspect of His eternal plan. If we were really thinking about what marriage would be like instead of idealizing it through the rose-colored glasses of infatuation, I get the feeling that there would be drastically fewer marriages.

Infatuation is important, but it is even more important to recognize it and to recognize when it has faded and how one should proceed.

Lust

Paul the apostle used the word "lust" in many of his letters to various Eurasian churches in his day. The use of this word was often in reference to sexual desire and the expression thereof. This meaning of the word persists today such that it is almost used interchangeably with sexual desire. However, I propose a broader definition that encompasses more than just sexual lust. Lust is, at its core, selfishness. I would describe lust as a desire for something whether concrete or intangible such that one is willing to sacrifice the well being of others. In the case of sexual lust, one is desirous to engage in sexual behaviors for the sole purpose of satisfying his or her desire, without regard to the desires and welfare of others involved. Merely harboring these desires is enough to constitute lust and acting on them involves a greater degree of lust. I believe that lust, in general, should be essentially synonymous with selfishness and greed. Putting your own desires before those of others is at the heart of lust.

The best example of lust is that of Lucifer in the premortal life as far as Latter-day Saints understand it. In the grand council of heaven, the plan of salvation, which we are living, was presented before the children of God. In this plan, the children of God would have to choice to follow him and to be redeemed by Christ, or not. Lucifer, who is Satan rebelled against God, saying, "Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, are surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor." Moses 4:1. It is common amongst Latter-day Saints to suppose that Satan's plan would have forced humanity to do good. I believe, however, that this was actually one in which there was no law and thus all would be saved by default and in which none would be able to progress. Satan so desired the glory and honor of God that he was willing to sacrifice the eternal welfare of all the children of God to get it. This is the most profound example of lust that can be found.

Love

Love is the opposite of lust and selfishness and can thus be characterized as selflessness or giving. Paul used the word "charity" to describe how the saints should treat others. Said he, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, it is not puffed up." 1 Cor 13:4. In this context, the word "charity" could and should be interchanged with "love." Love, in its purest form, is the state of being willing to make personal sacrifices on behalf of another.

In his book, "The Five Love Languages," Dr. Gary Chapman reveals that there are essentially five ways that a person can feel loved by another. These are the five love languages. In this book, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to speak your spouse's love language, even and especially, if it not your own. Regardless of how big or small the sacrifice might be, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to make sacrifices in order to make one's spouse feel love. He also states that it is impossible to force someone to love you, everyone has the freedom to choose whether they will make some sacrifice on behalf of others or not.

The premier example of love is, of course, the Savior, Jesus Christ. Because he desired our eternal welfare, he suffered beyond all mortal comprehension and willingly died. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that all mankind could return to God and become His disciples. The well-known scripture John 3:16 truly shows what love is and should be.

Earlier in this post, I said that it is important to know what one should do in a reciprocal relationship after the infatuation has worn off. What you should do, if you haven't already, is to love. When the infatuation wears off, you should be prepared to make sacrifices on behalf of your partner/spouse so that he or she can feel loved by you. Even better, you should get in the habit of making sacrifices while the infatuation is still there, before they even begin to feel like sacrifices. God has also commanded us that we should love everyone, not just our significant others. It is important for all of us to show love to everyone who we meet, whether we'd trust them with our children, or not. I don't know this from experience and I have never really done it myself, but I do know that this is the way that God has prepared for His children to be happy.

Storytime

As some may know and others are about to find out, my maternal grandfather, Orville Weldon Schaffer, Jr. died just a few weeks ago, and I went to Houston for his funeral. In a strange twist of events, he died on Thanksgiving day, just like his first wife, my grandmother, but that's not why I'm writing this post. I'm writing this post to tell you probably the most important lesson(s) my grandfather taught me about the gospel.

My grandfather was not a religious man, nor was he a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or other any church. He was an atheist before being an atheist was cool. However, through the latter years of his life and in his death, he was able to teach me how the Lord preserves and provides for his children and those who diligently serve him.

For those of you who know me well, you know that my mother managed to spend 135% of my college fund by the time I was ready to start college. Without an outside source of cash, I would have found a job in construction (or at Target) in 2006 when I graduated from high school. Luckily, my grandfather, Orville, was a depression-era child and spent most of his life working multiple jobs at a time as a machinist, surveyor, and wastewater treatment specialist. Over the years, he had spent as little of his money as possible and saved everything that he could. By the time I was ready to start college in 2006, he had amassed multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars merely by working and saving. My mother called my grandfather months before I was ready to start college and asked (more like demanded) that he help out with cash. In total he gave me $8000-$9000 a year for all four years that I was in college, coming out to about $34,000 total. I am genuinely grateful that my grandfather was able to come through and help me to such a large sum. I really couldn't have done it without him.

Now this is where the story really begins. My grandfather was born in February of 1925, making him 81 years old when I started college. Just for reference, the current life expectancy at birth for males in the US is 75.6 years old. My grandfather had already exceeded this by over 5 years when I graduated from high school. By the time I graduated from college, he was closer to ten years above average. After he made his final contribution to my college fund, in August of 2009, his health began to deteriorate. Around that time, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that shortly afterward metastasized and spread throughout his entire body. He began losing weight rapidly and was largely unable to stand or walk. He refused to take treatment figuring that his time had come and that he was ready to pass on. Finally, on Thanksgiving day, November 25th 2010, around noon, he did just that.

There are a few lessons that I take away from this story. One of these is that the Lord will bless the righteous with blessings that they cannot even comprehend if they do his will and seek those things which are according to his will. In this case, I thoroughly believe that the Lord preserved my grandfather almost entirely for my own blessing. My grandfather was in almost pristine health (considering that he was in his 80s) as long as he was contributing to the righteous endeavors of his grandson. My grandfather was never the most righteous of men. He was incredibly honorable like I mentioned earlier in his work and in his military service, when he served in the US Navy during World War II. However, he never brought his life completely into accord with the principles of the restored gospel, and could hardly be called righteous in many aspects. Despite his lack of righteousness, he was preserved and prospered for a wise purpose in aiding his grandson in his righteous goals.

Another lesson that I learned is that, while the trials we endure now may not make sense, they probably will in the long term. At age 19, I was very disappointed that I was not able to serve a mission for medical reasons. However, if I had gone and my grandfather had died in 2010, I most likely would have been hopelessly unable to finish my bachelor's degree anytime soon. While I still would have loved to have gone, I can understand, at least in part why the Lord did not send me. Like my grandfather, the Lord had, and still has, a wise purpose for me.

The final lesson that I learned is that the Lord is merciful, even to those who do not believe him. Though my grandfather was on the verge of death, and was no longer being fully preserved by the Lord, he was still able to see and comprehend the day that I graduated from college. And while he didn't show it much, it was clear that he appreciated seeing the fruits of his contributions in the life of his grandson.

I know that the Lord Jesus Christ lives and that the restored gospel is the way back to him in the next life. It is stories like this that help me to know that this is true and that I am doing what is right. I may not understand all that the Lord has in store for me, but things like this help to see a little more clearly.

Thanks Grandpa.

A Mighty Change of Heart

As those who know me well will already know, I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Many of the converts to the church end up being exposed to it via full-time missionaries who are tracting about and stumble upon them. However, my story is quite different than that. It's even quite the contrast to the stories of members sharing the gospel with random people they know. Since I've been asked about it recently at a surprising frequency, I suppose I'll share the story of how I came to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
My story really has two parts. There's the part about my dad and his relationship with the church over the years and there's the part that's all me. I can definitely say that I would not have been converted to the gospel had both of these taken place, so I will share both.

First, my dad's involvement:

Strangely enough, my dad was actually born in the covenant to parents who had been sealed and lived most of his life in the Mormon belt in Idaho Falls. His childhood and his relationship with the church were both lukewarm at best. His parents divorced when he was about 7, and he continued to live with his mother afterward. She soon remarried another guy who was a member of the church on paper, but not really in spirit. To make a long story short, my dad's relationship with the church was strained and he ended up going completely inactive around the age of 17 or 18. Over the next 25 years, he ended up joining the Air Force where he met a rough-and-tumble kind of woman, got married and had a single son (me). During this time my dad had little or no contact or association with the church.

In about 2003 or 4, my mom got a job with an armored truck company hauling around money, (this hearkens back to the 'rough-and-tumble' idea). My mom's boss was married to a member of the church though he, himself, was not a member. They ended up discussing the church at length and my mom ended up bringing home many of the conversations that they had, knowing that my dad was a member. Additionally, my dad's brother, who had always been very active in the church (and is currently serving as a bishop) called my dad more frequently than usual just to see how he was doing. These two often ended up discussing the church and the gospel, at least on some level. The combination of these two things got my dad thinking more and more about the church. This culminated until one day in February of 2005, he resolved that he was going to go back to church for the first time in 25 years and recommit himself to the gospel.

And now the portion that's all me:

From before I could remember my family has always had a big wall unit kind of thing that held our TV, VCR/DVD player, stereo system, and other miscellaneous things. One of the things that we kept there was basically our family's collection of books. None of us read incredibly fast, so there was never all that much in there, but there was at least enough to fill a section. Since my dad was an inactive member, we had several copies (and several editions at that) of the Book of Mormon. I remember one day when I was about 9 or 10 laying on the floor just looking at the collection of books my family had, when I saw the Book of Mormon. The title on the spine of the book didn't particularly catch my eye at the time, but the script below it did. It read, "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." When I saw that, it made me feel a sense of happiness and peace for no apparent reason, and I said to myself, "Hey, I bet the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the place to be when it comes to churches." Up to that point I had never really attended any church services and would probably have characterized myself as an "optimistic agnostic." My mom and I had gone to a few non-denominational Christian services that were basically like The Who concerts with a collection plate. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling that. A couple years later I picked up the same copy of the Book of Mormon and thumbed through some of the pages and looked through the pictures it had in the front, which I later found out were the prophet Joseph Smith, Samuel the Lamanite, Jesus visiting the Americas, etc. When I looked at these I felt that same feeling of peace and happiness from before and knew that that book was just a good thing in general.


After I had these experiences with the Book of Mormon, when my dad decided that he was going to go back to church in February of '05, I knew I was going to go with him. In an interesting turn of events, my dad actually called up the bishop of the Malley Ward and informed him that he and his family would be coming to church on Sunday. After cleaning out his underwear, Bishop Robinson of the Malley Ward confirmed where we lived, and that we, indeed, actually lived in the Webster Lake Ward. I'm pretty sure that, to this day, Bishop Smith owes the Malley Ward 3 new converts.

After we went to the correct ward a couple of times, my mom and I met and took lessons from the full-time missionaries. After finishing these up, my dad, since he already held the Aaronic Priesthood was privileged to baptize both of us on April 23rd, 2005. In an irony of extreme proportions, April 23rd would have been the night of my Junior prom, had I elected to go. I like to think that I diverged quite a bit from most of the rest of the people my age that evening.

Now my parents are both actively engaged in the church with my dad serving as the 1st counselor in the Elders' Quorum presidency and my mom learning the way slowly, but surely. I'm here, at BYU, being as faithful to the testimony I've gained as I know how to be, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.