The Call

March 26, 2013

Dear Elder White:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  You are assigned to labor in the California Sacramento Mission.  It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 24 months.

You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, July 31, 2013.  You will prepare to preach the gospel in the English language.  Your assignment may be modified according to the needs of the mission president.

You have been recommended as one worthy to represent the Lord as a minister of the restored gospel.  You will be an official representative of the Church.  As such, you will be expected to maintain the highest standards of conduct and appearance by keeping the commandments, living mission rules, and following the counsel of your mission president.  As you devote your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs, the Lord will bless you with increased knowledge and testimony of the Restoration and of the truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Your purpose will be to invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.  As you serve with all your heart, might, and strength, the Lord will lead you to those who are prepared to be baptized.

The Lord will reward you for the goodness of your life.  Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children.  We place our confidence in you and pray that the Lord will help you become an effective missionary.

You will be set apart as a missionary by your stake president.  Please send your written acceptance promptly, endorsed by your bishop.

Sincerely,
Thomas S. Monson
President

So, if you haven't heard, I got my mission call at the end of March.  I submitted the paperwork basically as soon as I could, so that I wouldn't have to wait and obscenely long time in case I was called to some crazy place like Brazil.  Like twelve days later, my Stake President/recently-released Bishop gave me a text to let me know that they had made my assignment and the call was on its way.  The next Thursday (March 28th) I received a big white envelope in the mail that told me I'd be going to Sacramento.

I've come to the conclusion that a mission is always an interesting experience.  However, I think mine is going to be an especially interesting experience.  I'll be 25 when I leave, I'll have a master's degree, and I'll be serving amongst the youngest missionaries in generations.  Also, the thriving metropolis of Stockton, CA is in my mission.  Stockton hasn't been a very hospitable place in decades, but since 2007, it's ranked in the top 10 in violent crime rate (and probably property crime, too) and perennially makes Forbes' list of most miserable places to live.  These are exciting times, my friends.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with the scripture that, if all goes according to plan, will soon be gracing a plaque in the Denver North Stake Center.  I was planning on using this scripture the first time I tried to go on a mission, but it has much... much more meaning now.  I guess the Spirit testifies of truth, regardless of the timing.

"I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it.  I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy."
-Alma 29:9

Bombshell

Before I begin, I want to make sure that you're caught up on the back story.

When I was 18.75 years old, I turned in papers to serve a full-time, proselyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  A couple weeks later, I was asked to complete an additional medical evaluation to determine if I could serve in the field without the medication I was taking at the time.  The evaluator determined that I was in need of the medication in question and, thus, could not serve a mission, because this substance was not allowed in the mission field.  My branch president pulled me into his office and told me I wouldn't be getting a call in April of '07.

After this, I went to BYU, met a couple crazy girls, made some great friends, and made tons of people feel awkward in social situations.  Best time of my life (so far).  I graduated, couldn't find a job, sat around for a while and now I'm in grad school at Oregon State.  You know that part of the story.

Now fast forward to the 24th of August 2012, almost two months after I had been through the temple for my own endowments.

During the previous days, I had been contemplating what I should do with my life and what my plans should be after graduation.  As I awoke that morning, I had a very distinct, unmistakable impression that I should try again to serve a full-time, proselyting mission in my youth.  I tried to dismiss this impression like Jonah and hop the next ship to Tarshish.  This wasn't the first time since I'd been deemed ineligible that the thought had occurred to me. However, at other times, it has been easy to push out of my mind and dismiss as a stupor of thought.  This time it stuck with me.  I had already planned to return to the temple that day to do an endowment session.  As I was sitting in the celestial room, I prayed as to what I should do in my future and if I should again try to serve a mission in my youth.  I received another impression in accord with the first.

As it turns out, I actually took two different medications when I was 18.75 years old.  For semantics' sake, we'll call one of them Pyridoxine and the other Tocopherol (not their real names).  For years following my non-call, I had always assumed that it was the Pyridoxine that had kept me from serving.  This is most likely from my own, internal bias resulting from the fact that that medication was more vital to my well-being than the Tocopherol.  In reality, Tocopherol was a newer, more powerful, and more closely monitored medication (though it had received FDA approval, for what that's worth).  In the years following, I've continued to take the Pyridoxine, but stopped taking the Tocopherol a couple years back, as it was no longer particularly necessary.

I talked with my bishop the following Sunday and asked him to contact the missionary department on my behalf.  It turns out that a young man is allowed to serve while on the medication that I've code named Pyridoxine, assuming that he can pass the same medical evaluation I underwent 5 years ago.  Yesterday, I went to Eugene to undergo another evaluation.  The evaluator said that she'd be glad to recommend me to serve a mission.

As I contemplate this concept, it makes the whole of my life since I turned 18 make much more sense.  I was not called when I was 19 because the Lord wanted my grandfather to be able to supplement my education.  When I sought to marry a young woman (or two) the answer was a resounding 'no' because the Lord still wanted me to serve.  The Lord lead me almost forcibly to Oregon State University so that I could be prospered financially and be around people who would help me come to the conclusion that I should try again to serve a mission.  I even think the Lord prompted my bishop to ask when he did if I wanted to go through the temple for my endowments so that my spiritual eyes could be more fully opened and I could receive these revelations.  Without the clarity the endowment has brought me, I would almost certainly not be making this post.

Then there's the financial prosperity the Lord has brought me itself.  For the last year, or so, I've kind of been wondering what I'd do with the big pile of money with which I've been blessed.  I figured I'd use it to pay down my student loans and/or help get myself set up when I graduated and/or get myself a motorcycle.  I was wrong on the last two accounts and mostly wrong on the first one.  At this point the two biggest hurdles to my missionary service are the aforementioned student loans and some dental work.  My teeth aren't nearly as pristine as they were in 2007.  (Seriously, I had gorgeous teeth.)  Now, I'll need at least 2 fillings, probably a[n inlay], and hopefully not too obscenely much in my roots.  With the big pile of cash with which I've been blessed, I should have enough to make 25+ payments on my student loans, get the dental work done, and pay for most of my mission, assuming the dental work isn't absolutely obscene.  My path has clearly been blessed by the hand of God.

At this point, my plan is to finish my master's degree as planned and graduate in June of next year.  It's unlikely that I'll be ready much before that time, regardless.  I will probably begin papers in February or March and submit them in May for a July availability date.  At no point in this process will I absolutely assume that I will be getting a mission call.  I have learned to not be pretentious.  Though it seems very likely that I will get a call, I'm perfectly willing to accept the possibility that I, again, won't.  I ask that you take a similar approach for me and any other prospective missionaries.  I'd really appreciate it.

However, I'm more than happy to accept predictions.  If you're going to make one, I recommend taking into account that I will be taking a medication, though that medication is fairly easy to get and fairly cheap.  Still, I think somewhere in the US or Canada would be the most realistic prediction.  If I had the luxury of hand-picking a mission, I'd want to go to Winnipeg, Manitoba, because I like Canada and Manitoba, Saskatchewan, and western Ontario seem like good places.  Yes, I know it would be wicked-cold there; hand warmers would be a must.  If I was to log a more realistic prediction, I'd say [Arcadia], California speaking Spanish, because that's where East LA is and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Lord wants me to learn to love illegal immigrants, even if I don't accept their life choices.

Updates will most certainly follow.

The House of the Lord

Disclaimer: This post is about LDS (Mormon) temples.  As such, this post will be geared toward an LDS audience.  If you're not a Latter-day Saint, feel free to read it. There's nothing secret here, but be prepared to be bored out of your mind.

Over the years, I've had a somewhat complicated relationship with the temple of the Lord.

When I was baptized and received the Aaronic priesthood, I was able to go to the temple to do baptisms and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  I felt like I really had a connection to those who had passed on and like I was doing something that was good and right in the eyes of God.  That experience was also the topic on which I gave my first sacrament talk.

The Denver Colorado Temple

I went on another couple of trips to the temple to do baptisms and I felt equally awesome about those.  However, as they always do, things changed.  When I was called to not serve, it also meant that I would not be taking out my own endowments when I was 19, as most young men do.  I would have to wait.  I went to BYU in the fall, and went to do baptisms a couple of times at the Provo temple.  As much as the workers in that temple tried, they just couldn't make me feel welcome.  Each time I went, I had to explain, in gross detail, why I wasn't going on a mission to like seven different ancient dudes who couldn't hear.  I felt sad and demoralized in a place where I was supposed to feel the greatest joy.  The last time I went to do baptisms for the dead was in about March of 2008, over 4 years ago.

Would I tell you a story if it didn't have a happy resolution?  The answer is yes, but that isn't the case this time around.

A few weeks ago, my bishop realized that I hadn't actually been through the temple, despite being the ward clerk.  That's not a rule, it's just a generally accepted practice.  Unendowed men are chosen to be ward clerks about as often as women are chosen to be ward mission leaders, but that's a total tangent.  The next week, my bishop had the executive secretary set up an appointment with me.  I figured that we'd start the long road to preparing for me to go the temple, but when I walked in, my bishop talked a little about the temple ceremonies, asked me the interview questions, and filled out a living ordinance recommend for me.  It took a little effort, but I got the stake president's signature as well and I was ready to go.

This last Wednesday, I went through the temple for the first time to take out my own endowments.  I went with my dad and my best friend during my time in Provo, Hyrum, who flew out especially for the occasion.  After many years of living with and being around the endowed, I was very well-prepared for the ordinances that took place in the temple.  Several people told me that it would be weird and/or slightly difficult to do it the first time, but it all came very intuitively to me and I enjoyed the whole thing.  Despite not trying particularly hard to remember the elements of the ceremony, I have a great memory at this time in my life, and I felt like I remember quite a bit.  While I was there I recaptured some of that zeal that I'd had when I was a new convert and was able to go do baptisms for the first time.  I feel like the temple changed my life a little bit that day, and that it will change my life a lot as I continue to go back.  I look forward to going to the temple again many times in the future and trying to dissect and glean all the elements of the ceremonies.  I also look forward to being sealed to an eternal companion in that holy house, whenever that might come.

At the temple with Hyrum... and his gold medal.

The temple is the house of God here upon the earth.  It has taken me years longer to get there than I ever thought it would, but now that I've seen it, I know that it was worth the wait.  In fact the blessings of the temple are worth whatever sacrifice must be made.  The sacrifices of time and money are often concerns, but these are often small, especially for saints in North America.  The sacrifice of sin may be one that is much more difficult to make.  The Lord has asked us to give up certain behaviors in exchange for those that will bring us greater happiness.  If we are like King Lamoni and are willing to give away all our sins so that we can come to know God, we will greatly blessed and will be able to find this happiness eventually.  We must give up our sins in order to enter the temple and participate in the sacred ordinances that take place therein.  I testify that the blessings of the temple are worth it and will bring you to a state of everlasting happiness.

I know that this is the case for me.

Gotta Say, That's Not Really a Stretch

I was originally going to post this thought as a Crackbook status, so this blag post will be short:

Throughout the day, both yesterday night and today, people have been commenting via various forms of media about their surprise that The Book of Mormon musical won a boatload of Tony Awards. I don't find this surprising at all. In fact, I knew that it was going to clean house at the Tonys from the moment that I saw Trey Parker and Matt Stone on Letterman a few months back promoting it. Let's examine the evidence, shall we:

• The Tony Awards have become what amounts to a homosexual political action committee that uses the medium of musical and dance theater. In other words the Tonys are run by the gay community.
  
• The Mormons pushed Proposition 8 during the 2008 political elections. This proposition was widely deemed anti-gay and the homosexual community has been unhappy about it ever since.
• The Book of Mormon musical makes fun of Mormons using one of the favorite media of the homosexual community, musical theater.

QED - Trey Parker and Matt Stone have to hire a mover to carry all their Tony Awards.

And just as a disclaimer, this post is not anti-gay nor is it anti-Mormon. It merely explains why no one should have been that surprised that the BOM musical pwned at the Tonys.

Brethren, Our Prayers Have Been Answered

I knew a guy at the Colorado School of Mimes who was a member of the church and attended the institute. He told me a story that I found very entertaining, that I'm going to tell you now. To put this in context, Mines is a school wholly dedicated to engineering, and as such has gender ratios similar to the engineering building on any campus. The recruiters were actually being congratulated because they were up to 24% women. Well, as you could image, the student ward in town was one in a series of unfortunate dudefests. Basically, it was a bunch of single engineers, a couple people from Metropolitan State College of Denver who lived in the area, and a few married engineers with their wives. Single women were a scarce resource. So, this guy's story was that, one Sunday, he was attending the area family ward instead of the student ward. While he was in that ward, the BYU women's basketball team walked in and sat down among the congregation. And in his own words, "If this had been in the [student] ward, the bishop would have stood up and said, 'Brethren, our prayers have been answered.'"

That's kind of how I feel today, but not about women, about money. This morning, I emailed Kathy Westberg at Oregon State to confirm that she had received a written confirmation of my acceptance of the graduate laurels scholarship. She responded that she had received it and that everything was set. Literally 5 hours later, I received another email from Kathy saying that I had also been selected to receive a graduate teaching assistantship. Needless to say, I was very flattered at that point that the school of civil and construction engineering thought that high of me. I have asked the Lord repeatedly to help me find graduate funding and he has clearly softened the hearts of those at Oregon State University such that money has been flowing in my direction therefrom.

So, this assistantship involves basically the same thing as the scholarship plus a job. So, I still get three quarters of tuition remission, but along with it, I get $1738.03 a month in exchange for 20 hours of work a week as a teaching assistant. Is the equivalent of about $20 an hour more than I've ever made? Why yes... yes it is. By about double. I like this.

The only caveat to this assistantship is that I have to have health insurance. Thanks to our good friend Barack Obama, I am still covered under my parents' health insurance, though Oregon State really wants you to buy theirs. In order to waive the university's insurance, you have to provide proof that yours provides at least as good or better coverage than theirs. I called my parents' insurance company today and requested a copy of our insurance coverage that will be here in 7 to 10 business days that I can then send to the university along with an insurance waiver form. I'm going to submit the paperwork, even though it's hardly even worth it at this point. The university's health insurance only costs $43 a month, which is deducted from the stipend tax free. Put simply, I'm going to turn in the insurance waiver, but if it gets rejected, it won't hurt my feelings too much.

On a somewhat separate note, I found out from the Corvallis institute website that you can submit requests for roommates by sending an email to the institute. This will make finding a roommate with morals significantly easier. I like this as well.

Brothers and sisters, my prayers have been answered.

The Denkers Curse

First some background. My dad was born 'Gary Denkers.' He was the son of James and Kay Antoinette (Toni) Denkers. After these two divorced, Toni married a guy named Wes. He then adopted my dad and his 3 siblings and their last names were changed. This is why my grandpa on my dad's side (who's my only surviving grandparent at this point) has a different last name than my dad and me. My dad spent the first 16, or so, years of his life as Gary Denkers.

Now to the content. There is an interesting phenomenon on my dad's side of the family in which the men tend to get married very young to equally young women who end up being psycho and treating them like crap. My dad and I like to call this the Denkers curse. The Denkers curse has been present in at least the last 3 generations: my dad, his dad, and his dad before him.

My dad got married at age 21 to a woman who's almost six years older than him. I've previously expounded on the relationship between my parents in this blag and how this has done its share of screwing me up in the head, so I won't elaborate too much here. Suffice it to say that my mom has a really weird way of showing her love, even insomuch that those receiving it don't recognize it as love and sometimes wish that she wouldn't so much.

My grandpa got married at age 20 to a woman who could barely be called a woman at age 18. My dad was their first child and I've done the math, he was born about 6 or 7 months after they got married. From what my dad has told me, his mom was totally whacked out in the head. To be fair, she was only whacked in the head when she was drunk, unfortunately her blood alcohol content rarely fell below 0.20 because she chain drank screwdrivers constantly. As I previously mentioned, my dad's parents ended up getting divorced when he was about 8 and his mom remarried a few years later. About the time my dad was 18 (9 years before I was born) his mom committed suicide in their garage by carbon monoxide poisoning. Needless to say, I've never met her. I don't totally know exactly what the time frame is, but my grandpa also ended up getting remarried sometime afterward. I've actually seen the relationship between my grandpa and his second wife. She is substantially less psycho than my grandmother, but I still kind of thought that she treated my grandpa like he was a used tampon that gave her TSS. You can only imagine my surprise when my dad told me that she'd mellowed out in her old age. The moral of the story: my grandpa is very deeply 0 for 2.

I don't know a lot about the relationship between my great grandpa and his wife, I only know what my dad tells me. From what he has told me, my great grandmother was a very physically large woman who had a personality to match. This is where I get my large frame. I hear that she was great if you were on her good side, but that she was totally domineering if you weren't. I can only imagine how her husband was on her bad side more often than not.

I don't say these things to bash on women or to try to garner pity. I say this because I very deeply want to avoid the mistakes that my fathers have made. At this point I am 22 years old and am now over a year older than even the oldest of my ancestors when they got married. Also, even if I met a perfect companion as listed two posts ago today, I would still not get married before age 23. Granted, I only barely escaped the curse with my life. I was engaged to be married to fiancée #1 when I was 20 and to fiancée #2 when I was 21. I am very grateful that these relationships fell apart, because I can now see the writing on the wall of what they would have been.

There's also a factor in these three relationships that I have not yet mentioned. My dad told me a couple of years back, "If you and your prospective spouse stay in the church and keep the covenants you've made, you will do just fine." The biggest problem in these relationships was that these people weren't very active in the church for much of their lives. My great grandparents were what Elders Quorum Presidents would call "Semi-actives." They made it to church every once in a while, but never made a habit out of it. From what I've written here, it should be obvious that my grandparents were keeping the commandments of God much at all. Fortunately, my grandpa and his second wife have returned to the church and been active in their ward. After leaving home at 18, my dad was inactive for right around 25 years before he returned. My mom wasn't a member of the church when they got married and they originally built the foundation of their marriage on something other than the Gospel of Christ. What I take away from this knowledge is not only that getting married when you're young and stupid can be a terrible idea, but also that if a marriage has its piles driven deeply into the bedrock of Christ, there is nothing that remove it. It may be damaged and it may not look pretty from the outside, but it will stand strong.

The List

Latter-day Saints around the world are often encouraged (sometimes to their detriment) to create a list of qualities that they would look for in a spouse. I've always thought this was kind of a corny cliché, but recently I've been thinking about what kind of woman I'd like to be with for the rest of eternity... yeah, that's right, ETERNITY! Considering the nature of my 2 previous engagements, I probably should have done this sooner, but alas, here's what I've come up with. I've ranked them in approximate order of importance, but other than the pluses at the bottom, they're all pretty important.

• Sane, or in more PC terms, emotionally stable - I'd like to think here that there's a happy medium somewhere between being totally incapable of expressing emotion and thus bottling it up and wanting to kill people in their sleep (à la fiancée #2) and being so emotive that every decision you make is dominated by emotions. Maybe this is just a pipe dream. There are various other neuroses out there, but let's just say that I'd like to be with a woman who's within about 2 standard deviations of average sanity. Just about any woman who was loved by and who still has a good relationship with her parents and who hasn't been sexually assaulted/molested will be easily in this range. These are the two parameters I look at most. I look forward to your letters.
• Compassionate, Kind, Genuine, Sincere, etc. - I've met a few hardcore, two-faced b*tches in my day and I want nothing to do with that. I'd like to be with a woman who is capable of being a caring and empathetic mother and is willing to love people for who they are. All of us make mistakes and I only hope that I can find a woman who is willing to forgive when true repentance is espoused by the transgressor.
• Dedicated to the Gospel & to Christ - I really don't want to have to drag my wife (and, by extension, our children) to church kicking and screaming. While most of the women who fit well in this category would be less than interested in me, I still hold out hope. :)
• Financially Responsible - I know that most women get some strange, ethereal utility out of spending money on things that they may or may not ever use, but there are always limits. If a woman doesn't have the capacity to know how much money her family unit is bringing in and limit her spending to less than that amount, I will run away with my fingers in my ears yelling "LA LA LA LA! Can't hear you!" all the way.
• Reasonably Intelligent - My engagement with Fiancée #1 broke off 1) because we were both a little cuckoo and 2) because she was significantly less intelligent than me. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, but when there's basically no intellectual compatibility or common ground, it's just not going to work. I generally suppose that I'm about 4.5 standard deviations above average in intelligence. Even though it would eliminate a large proportion of women, I think a woman would need to be at least 1.5 standard deviations above average to be compatible.
  
• There's No Good Antonym for 'Jealous' - I'm not exclusively talking about being jealous of other women. My companion shouldn't be worried in any way about that, because engineers make great husbands. What I'm speaking of more is something I call "time jealousy." I've met a few women who are so jealous of their husbands having hobbies or friends that they whine so incessantly, their husbands give up hope of ever having a life outside of their wife. I understand that some people need quality time to feel loved, but at some point, you cross over into the realm of the first point on this list.
• Attractive - Let me just say that I'm in no way looking for a swimsuit model (because men don't generally find supermodels terribly attractive.) Attractive women are great, but at the end of the day, you have to deal with the b*tch behind the pretty face. There are really only two things that I look for. The first is a woman who's thinner than me, because let's be honest, no one is going to be happy if a wife is flabbier than her husband. I'll admit the second is weird, but I think I'm entitled to my preferences. I don't know what it is, but I like a woman a shapely chin. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense to me either, just go with it. If a woman is reasonably thin and has a nice chin, she's pretty much all that ask for in terms of looks. (I'm also a sucker for a woman with green eyes. This is in no way a prerequisite, but it would be a solid plus. :)
• Accepting of my Humor and the Frequent Lack Thereof - This kind of hearkens back to point 2, but I'd like a woman who will crack up at my witty remarks every now and then. It'd be even better if she had a few witty remarks of her own, but I make no such demands.
• Pro 2nd Amendment - I embrace an "I will have guns in my house, and if you don't like it, you can come take them from me; I'll be waiting," kind of mentality. If a woman doesn't accept guns in the house, we shouldn't get married. Luckily, this is becoming progressively easier to find.
  
• Willing to Let me Name my Firstborn Son Whatever I Please - If he was born right now, his name would be "Jimmer."

Pluses (By no means necessary, but nice nonetheless.)

• Affectionate - I like to be touched and to touch in return. If a woman shared that sentiment, it would add a lot to our relationship.
• Sports Literate - A healthy proportion of my banter comes from the world of sports, especially from the months of September to January (Football season and MLB playoffs.) If a woman could at least appreciate an occasional game, it would be really nice.
• On a Similar Level of Nerdiness - I don't necessarily want a woman who wants to talk bearing capacity failures and prestressed concrete all day, but I would like a woman who has at least a couple of things that she's mega-nerdy about. It could be biology, literature, speech anatomy, or ancient near-eastern history, but I'd like a woman that had that passion about a thing or two so that she could talk about it all day. Also, a woman who appreciated Doctor Who, anime, and the occasional video game would be nice too.

Well, that pretty much sums it up. There may have been a few things I forgot, or that are short extensions of points already mentioned, but I think that should do it for now.

Don't Confuse the Three

Over my about 22.5 years of life so far, I've gained some wisdom that I wish everyone, especially those in my age range, understood. This wisdom is a knowledge of the segmentation of and difference between three oft-confused things: Love, Lust, and Infatuation. In the US, we often add the meaning of latter two in the first. Like any word or words in English or other languages, the definitions of these can vary depending on who you ask and the context of the statement in which the word is used. There's a whole field of people who don't make any money as they study semantics. There are often no clean cut, concrete definitions for words and when there are, the definitions are always changing. Regardless of how you define the three words listed above, I have gained some insight into three phenomena of human interpersonal relationships that I have labeled as Love, Lust, and Infatuation, and I would encourage anyone who reads this to understand them and, at least in general, refer to them as such.

Much of my insight into these three interpersonal phenomena has come through my study of religion and religious texts. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my knowledge of these three things is irreversibly tied to my membership in this church and to my faith. I will refer to scriptural passages and to principles of the Gospel of Christ inasmuch as they have helped me learn about phenomena of human behavior.

Infatuation

Infatuation, as I know it, is an intense desire to be with a person to whom one is physically or emotionally attracted. In contemporary America, we often say things like "falling in love," when we refer to infatuation. This phenomena can be either one or two-sided; one person can be infatuated with another either with or without reciprocation. When infatuation is reciprocated, it often results in a passionate, whirlwind relationship. The sad truth that we all must face is that infatuation, no matter how fervent, is temporary. No matter how much we think we care for someone or how "in love" we may be, the infatuation will always burn out. Sociologists have studied the phenomenon of infatuation and have found that it generally lasts, at most, two years. Regardless of who is involved, the intense feeling of attraction of one person to another will usually die out within two years time. The important part is what we decide to do after that time.

Allow me to say, as a disclaimer, that I believe in the principles of evolution and the principles of creation and I do not believe that these two are mutually exclusive. You can disagree, and that's just fine with me. That being said, I will get on with my point. Evolutionary biologists tell us that infatuation developed in humans in order to increase our reproductive output. In other words, if we didn't fall into an intense attraction for another person we wouldn't reproduce nearly as much. The genes that inhibit infatuation have been naturally deselected, in a manner of speaking. I would just add that the God of heaven created us with a propensity for infatuation so that we would want to get married and fulfill that aspect of His eternal plan. If we were really thinking about what marriage would be like instead of idealizing it through the rose-colored glasses of infatuation, I get the feeling that there would be drastically fewer marriages.

Infatuation is important, but it is even more important to recognize it and to recognize when it has faded and how one should proceed.

Lust

Paul the apostle used the word "lust" in many of his letters to various Eurasian churches in his day. The use of this word was often in reference to sexual desire and the expression thereof. This meaning of the word persists today such that it is almost used interchangeably with sexual desire. However, I propose a broader definition that encompasses more than just sexual lust. Lust is, at its core, selfishness. I would describe lust as a desire for something whether concrete or intangible such that one is willing to sacrifice the well being of others. In the case of sexual lust, one is desirous to engage in sexual behaviors for the sole purpose of satisfying his or her desire, without regard to the desires and welfare of others involved. Merely harboring these desires is enough to constitute lust and acting on them involves a greater degree of lust. I believe that lust, in general, should be essentially synonymous with selfishness and greed. Putting your own desires before those of others is at the heart of lust.

The best example of lust is that of Lucifer in the premortal life as far as Latter-day Saints understand it. In the grand council of heaven, the plan of salvation, which we are living, was presented before the children of God. In this plan, the children of God would have to choice to follow him and to be redeemed by Christ, or not. Lucifer, who is Satan rebelled against God, saying, "Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, are surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor." Moses 4:1. It is common amongst Latter-day Saints to suppose that Satan's plan would have forced humanity to do good. I believe, however, that this was actually one in which there was no law and thus all would be saved by default and in which none would be able to progress. Satan so desired the glory and honor of God that he was willing to sacrifice the eternal welfare of all the children of God to get it. This is the most profound example of lust that can be found.

Love

Love is the opposite of lust and selfishness and can thus be characterized as selflessness or giving. Paul used the word "charity" to describe how the saints should treat others. Said he, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, it is not puffed up." 1 Cor 13:4. In this context, the word "charity" could and should be interchanged with "love." Love, in its purest form, is the state of being willing to make personal sacrifices on behalf of another.

In his book, "The Five Love Languages," Dr. Gary Chapman reveals that there are essentially five ways that a person can feel loved by another. These are the five love languages. In this book, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to speak your spouse's love language, even and especially, if it not your own. Regardless of how big or small the sacrifice might be, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to make sacrifices in order to make one's spouse feel love. He also states that it is impossible to force someone to love you, everyone has the freedom to choose whether they will make some sacrifice on behalf of others or not.

The premier example of love is, of course, the Savior, Jesus Christ. Because he desired our eternal welfare, he suffered beyond all mortal comprehension and willingly died. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that all mankind could return to God and become His disciples. The well-known scripture John 3:16 truly shows what love is and should be.

Earlier in this post, I said that it is important to know what one should do in a reciprocal relationship after the infatuation has worn off. What you should do, if you haven't already, is to love. When the infatuation wears off, you should be prepared to make sacrifices on behalf of your partner/spouse so that he or she can feel loved by you. Even better, you should get in the habit of making sacrifices while the infatuation is still there, before they even begin to feel like sacrifices. God has also commanded us that we should love everyone, not just our significant others. It is important for all of us to show love to everyone who we meet, whether we'd trust them with our children, or not. I don't know this from experience and I have never really done it myself, but I do know that this is the way that God has prepared for His children to be happy.

Lower Bound

I've been thinking recently about This Post that I made over a year ago concerning the number of women worldwide with whom I'd be mutually compatible. After I thought about it, I realized that the number I came up with (66) was a very conservative estimate and practically represents a theoretical upper bound to the actual number of women with whom I could have a relationship. I am now revisiting this topic to make less conservative estimate so that I can find a value closer to the lower bound.

In the same format as before:

Membership of the LDS Church (as of Dec. 31st 2008): 13,508,509
Using the same number as before for comparability.

...who are active: 7,429,680
Instead of the way-conservative 76% activity rate, I used a much more pessimistic value of 55%.

...who are female: 3,714,840
Yeah, the world is still pretty much half women.

...who live in developed nations (and speak English): 1,300, 194
Say only 35% of LDS women live in developed nations and speak fluent English.

...who are in the proper age range: 130,020
Saying a seven-year age range represents 10% of the populace probably represents an approximate lower bound.

...who are "beautiful" in my opinion. 2,965
Saying that women must be 2 standard deviations above average in the characteristics that I'm looking for isn't even that big of a stretch.

...and intelligent: 68
I maintain that an IQ of 120 isn't that much to ask when mine is in the range of 145.

...who aren't already married: 21
Are 70% of Mormon women 18-25 married? Probably not. This represents one of my less reasonable assumptions from the first time around.

...who are interested in me: 4
I think 1 standard deviation below average is about right.

If I carry all of my digits instead of universally rounding up, it comes out to 3.22, since those tenths and hundredths start to be significant when you're talking about single digits.

Were you surprised it didn't hit zero? Because I was, the way it was looking there for a second.

130,020/4 = 32,505 weeks, which is about 625 years at one date per month.

The once every six months trend has remained pretty steady, so at that rate, it would be more like 16,252 years.

Just remember: The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. The engineer sees a safety factor of 2.

Storytime

As some may know and others are about to find out, my maternal grandfather, Orville Weldon Schaffer, Jr. died just a few weeks ago, and I went to Houston for his funeral. In a strange twist of events, he died on Thanksgiving day, just like his first wife, my grandmother, but that's not why I'm writing this post. I'm writing this post to tell you probably the most important lesson(s) my grandfather taught me about the gospel.

My grandfather was not a religious man, nor was he a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or other any church. He was an atheist before being an atheist was cool. However, through the latter years of his life and in his death, he was able to teach me how the Lord preserves and provides for his children and those who diligently serve him.

For those of you who know me well, you know that my mother managed to spend 135% of my college fund by the time I was ready to start college. Without an outside source of cash, I would have found a job in construction (or at Target) in 2006 when I graduated from high school. Luckily, my grandfather, Orville, was a depression-era child and spent most of his life working multiple jobs at a time as a machinist, surveyor, and wastewater treatment specialist. Over the years, he had spent as little of his money as possible and saved everything that he could. By the time I was ready to start college in 2006, he had amassed multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars merely by working and saving. My mother called my grandfather months before I was ready to start college and asked (more like demanded) that he help out with cash. In total he gave me $8000-$9000 a year for all four years that I was in college, coming out to about $34,000 total. I am genuinely grateful that my grandfather was able to come through and help me to such a large sum. I really couldn't have done it without him.

Now this is where the story really begins. My grandfather was born in February of 1925, making him 81 years old when I started college. Just for reference, the current life expectancy at birth for males in the US is 75.6 years old. My grandfather had already exceeded this by over 5 years when I graduated from high school. By the time I graduated from college, he was closer to ten years above average. After he made his final contribution to my college fund, in August of 2009, his health began to deteriorate. Around that time, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that shortly afterward metastasized and spread throughout his entire body. He began losing weight rapidly and was largely unable to stand or walk. He refused to take treatment figuring that his time had come and that he was ready to pass on. Finally, on Thanksgiving day, November 25th 2010, around noon, he did just that.

There are a few lessons that I take away from this story. One of these is that the Lord will bless the righteous with blessings that they cannot even comprehend if they do his will and seek those things which are according to his will. In this case, I thoroughly believe that the Lord preserved my grandfather almost entirely for my own blessing. My grandfather was in almost pristine health (considering that he was in his 80s) as long as he was contributing to the righteous endeavors of his grandson. My grandfather was never the most righteous of men. He was incredibly honorable like I mentioned earlier in his work and in his military service, when he served in the US Navy during World War II. However, he never brought his life completely into accord with the principles of the restored gospel, and could hardly be called righteous in many aspects. Despite his lack of righteousness, he was preserved and prospered for a wise purpose in aiding his grandson in his righteous goals.

Another lesson that I learned is that, while the trials we endure now may not make sense, they probably will in the long term. At age 19, I was very disappointed that I was not able to serve a mission for medical reasons. However, if I had gone and my grandfather had died in 2010, I most likely would have been hopelessly unable to finish my bachelor's degree anytime soon. While I still would have loved to have gone, I can understand, at least in part why the Lord did not send me. Like my grandfather, the Lord had, and still has, a wise purpose for me.

The final lesson that I learned is that the Lord is merciful, even to those who do not believe him. Though my grandfather was on the verge of death, and was no longer being fully preserved by the Lord, he was still able to see and comprehend the day that I graduated from college. And while he didn't show it much, it was clear that he appreciated seeing the fruits of his contributions in the life of his grandson.

I know that the Lord Jesus Christ lives and that the restored gospel is the way back to him in the next life. It is stories like this that help me to know that this is true and that I am doing what is right. I may not understand all that the Lord has in store for me, but things like this help to see a little more clearly.

Thanks Grandpa.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ute Fans

Over the 3 or so years that I was a student at BYU, I have developed a fiery, burning hatred for the University of Utah as an organization and most of those who voluntarily affiliate themselves therewith. I have even quoted Max Hall many a time in saying, "I hate Utah. I hate everything about them." While I will openly mock all those who attend the University of Utah, there is only really one group who I truly loathe with a passion. I really can't fault most of the students, faculty, football team, or alumni, since they have a valid reason to affiliate themselves with the University of Utah. The people who I absolutely cannot stand are the ones who have no valid reason to affiliate with the spU, but do so because they have found some fault with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The LDS church owns and operates BYU and is the very core of its educational system. The student body consists of around 98% LDS students and there is a very permeating LDS culture that is associated therewith. There are many people in Utah and abroad that affiliate themselves with the University of Utah, in contrast to BYU, as a form of rebellion against the church, it's leadership, and it's membership. In all honesty, these are some of the most despicable people that I have met in my life so far. They are, generally, people who have very little direction in life, drink copious amounts of alcohol, and have few, if any, sexual hangups. These are precisely the people who spit on and threw beer at Max Hall's family and displayed a blowup doll labeled, "Max Hall's Mom" during the 2008 BYU-Utah football game in Salt Lake. While I'm sure that there are good people who attend and affiliate with the University of Utah for whatever reason, there is also a population who can only be called scum, living a riotous and immoral lifestyle who do the same. These people are the reason that I hate Utah and can hardly stand to step foot on their campus. These are those to whom I refer simply as, "Ute Fans."

I'm not sure that I can totally say how these sort of people become how they are, with such a hatred for the LDS church and all that it stands for. I'm sure that many of them grew up in the church, but never really appreciated the doctrines of the gospel, and grew to despise the counsels given to them by church leaders. Some of these may have also been offended at one particular doctrine or counsel and voluntarily disaffiliated themselves with the church or were excommunicated long ago. I would also speculate that some are not and have never been members of the church, but have a keen distaste for the "theocratic" and "authoritarian" way that the church operates, which permeates in Utah and Mormon culture. Any of these and others could and often do affiliate with the University of Utah merely because they have found fault with the church.

Considering the state of the world, I cannot possibly see this situation being remedied anytime soon. The doctrines of the church and the ideals of the world are rapidly diverging. As Nephi said, there will be many who rage against the church at the last day (See 2 Nephi 28:20). I can only see those who love to be part of the world becoming more angry and those who affiliate with Utah because they dislike the church to grow in number.

And to those who like to say that the prophet went to University of Utah, I have one thing to say to you: So did Ted Bundy. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

Go Cougars.

A Mighty Change of Heart

As those who know me well will already know, I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Many of the converts to the church end up being exposed to it via full-time missionaries who are tracting about and stumble upon them. However, my story is quite different than that. It's even quite the contrast to the stories of members sharing the gospel with random people they know. Since I've been asked about it recently at a surprising frequency, I suppose I'll share the story of how I came to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
My story really has two parts. There's the part about my dad and his relationship with the church over the years and there's the part that's all me. I can definitely say that I would not have been converted to the gospel had both of these taken place, so I will share both.

First, my dad's involvement:

Strangely enough, my dad was actually born in the covenant to parents who had been sealed and lived most of his life in the Mormon belt in Idaho Falls. His childhood and his relationship with the church were both lukewarm at best. His parents divorced when he was about 7, and he continued to live with his mother afterward. She soon remarried another guy who was a member of the church on paper, but not really in spirit. To make a long story short, my dad's relationship with the church was strained and he ended up going completely inactive around the age of 17 or 18. Over the next 25 years, he ended up joining the Air Force where he met a rough-and-tumble kind of woman, got married and had a single son (me). During this time my dad had little or no contact or association with the church.

In about 2003 or 4, my mom got a job with an armored truck company hauling around money, (this hearkens back to the 'rough-and-tumble' idea). My mom's boss was married to a member of the church though he, himself, was not a member. They ended up discussing the church at length and my mom ended up bringing home many of the conversations that they had, knowing that my dad was a member. Additionally, my dad's brother, who had always been very active in the church (and is currently serving as a bishop) called my dad more frequently than usual just to see how he was doing. These two often ended up discussing the church and the gospel, at least on some level. The combination of these two things got my dad thinking more and more about the church. This culminated until one day in February of 2005, he resolved that he was going to go back to church for the first time in 25 years and recommit himself to the gospel.

And now the portion that's all me:

From before I could remember my family has always had a big wall unit kind of thing that held our TV, VCR/DVD player, stereo system, and other miscellaneous things. One of the things that we kept there was basically our family's collection of books. None of us read incredibly fast, so there was never all that much in there, but there was at least enough to fill a section. Since my dad was an inactive member, we had several copies (and several editions at that) of the Book of Mormon. I remember one day when I was about 9 or 10 laying on the floor just looking at the collection of books my family had, when I saw the Book of Mormon. The title on the spine of the book didn't particularly catch my eye at the time, but the script below it did. It read, "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." When I saw that, it made me feel a sense of happiness and peace for no apparent reason, and I said to myself, "Hey, I bet the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the place to be when it comes to churches." Up to that point I had never really attended any church services and would probably have characterized myself as an "optimistic agnostic." My mom and I had gone to a few non-denominational Christian services that were basically like The Who concerts with a collection plate. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling that. A couple years later I picked up the same copy of the Book of Mormon and thumbed through some of the pages and looked through the pictures it had in the front, which I later found out were the prophet Joseph Smith, Samuel the Lamanite, Jesus visiting the Americas, etc. When I looked at these I felt that same feeling of peace and happiness from before and knew that that book was just a good thing in general.


After I had these experiences with the Book of Mormon, when my dad decided that he was going to go back to church in February of '05, I knew I was going to go with him. In an interesting turn of events, my dad actually called up the bishop of the Malley Ward and informed him that he and his family would be coming to church on Sunday. After cleaning out his underwear, Bishop Robinson of the Malley Ward confirmed where we lived, and that we, indeed, actually lived in the Webster Lake Ward. I'm pretty sure that, to this day, Bishop Smith owes the Malley Ward 3 new converts.

After we went to the correct ward a couple of times, my mom and I met and took lessons from the full-time missionaries. After finishing these up, my dad, since he already held the Aaronic Priesthood was privileged to baptize both of us on April 23rd, 2005. In an irony of extreme proportions, April 23rd would have been the night of my Junior prom, had I elected to go. I like to think that I diverged quite a bit from most of the rest of the people my age that evening.

Now my parents are both actively engaged in the church with my dad serving as the 1st counselor in the Elders' Quorum presidency and my mom learning the way slowly, but surely. I'm here, at BYU, being as faithful to the testimony I've gained as I know how to be, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

Irony

NEWSFLASH: For anyone who doesn't know me very well or just hasn't just put 2 and 2 together yet, I'm not an RM (Gasp!). I did not serve a full-time, proselyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When I was 18.75 years old, I submitted "papers," though most of them are electronic, to serve a mission. On the 22nd of April 2007, my branch president at the time called me into his office and told me that I would not be serving a mission for the church, and thus my zeal for missionary work died. However this is not the point of this blag post, it just gives a more full context...

The real point of this post is to help shed some light on the irony of my relationships with women since that fateful day in April. As most Mormons will tell you, according to Mormon culture, it is essentially a prerequisite for a man to be an RM before any young woman will be willing to marry him. While this is not a part of Mormon doctrine, nor is it universally true in Mormon culture, I seem to gain a stronger testimony of this principle daily.

The real irony of my not having served a mission is that I seemed to be much more popular with women during the two years that I should have been on a mission than I ever was before or have been in the year or so since my theoretical mission would have ended. In order to quantify these claims, here are some statistics that I've compiled for the 24 months I theoretically should have been on a mission and for the times both before and after:

From July 2007 to July 2009 (Theoretical mission timeframe):

• Fiancées: 2
• Months in a relationship: 17
• Percentage of time spent in a relationship: 71%
• Kisses: Countless
• GPA: 3.41

Before July 2007 AND after July 2009:

• Dates: 8-10, depending on your definition of a date
• Time in a relationship: 0
• Kisses: 0
• GPA: 3.62

Wow, this is even more depressing now that it's in print. Anywho, I must acknowledge a few things before I move on. I must acknowledge that the women with whom I was in relationships for these two years were, more or less, complete psychopaths, who should have caused me to preparing by looking for the nearest emergency exit, being aware that it might be behind me. Additionally, I've included my college GPA during the time periods in question as a reference to how distracted I was by other things. While this isn't actually that good of a measure in this case, there is actually a significant difference between the two.

Overall, it just seems like I took a two-year hiatus from being an awkward, antisocial nerd and have now picked up where I left off. The only real differences between the pre-mission me and the non-mission me is that now I have less hope for the future and no car.

These things being said, there's only really one way to end this post:

Lies, D@mN3d Lies, and...

Disclaimer: this blag post is based on this essay.

Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend

Reading this first will make this blag post make much, much more sense.

So inspired by the essay posted by one Tristan Miller, I have decided to do my own statistical analysis which addresses my perpetually single status. Unlike his essay, however, this post will be slightly less empirical with a few more anecdotal assumptions thrown in. The primary difference will be related to Miller's analysis of age groups which I found to be rather questionable. Thus, I will endeavor to make some more baseline assumptions concerning age groups.

Membership of the LDS Church (as of December 31st 2008): 13,508,509
Unlike Miller's essay, I will start off with a somewhat smaller demographic. Since I am Latter-day Saint myself, and therefore have a high standard of morals and virtue as well as a desire to be married no other place than an LDS temple, this is a proper way in which to start.

...who are active: 10,266,467
According to the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, the activity rates of church members is around 76%. I have certain doubts that this number is quite this high (since these were self-identified) , but in this scenario it is a conservative estimate, so I will go with it.

...who are female: 5,133,233
Here I made the basic assumption that half of Latter-day Saints are female. There have been certain reports which have shown that it's more like 52-55%, but this would be a very specific assumption to make for such a broad problem as this. Thus I used a standard 50-50 ratio.

...who live in developed nations: 2,566,616
Like Tristan Miller, I have no plans of living in India or Outer Kreplakistan, so limiting potential mates to residents of North America, Canada, English Speaking Europe, and Australia. It is estimated that approximately 46% of LDS church members live in the US and Canada. I will also lump in with this the idea that any woman who I would want to have a romantic relationship with would also have to speak fluent English. Along these lines I'm assuming that about half of LDS women are English speakers who live in developed nations.

...who are (as of 2009) 18 to 25 years old: 384,993
In his essay, Miller ends up with about 10% of the populous which had not already been eliminated being with the proper bounds of age. I think that this is somewhere in the neighborhood, however I'd be will to bet that the distribution of ages of women listed are somewhat more right-skewed than he supposed, giving closer to 12-15% of women in the proper range. I have thus chosen a more conservative value of 15% of women who would be in the appropriate age range. It is also helpful to note that I am the exact same age now as Miller was when he composed this essay, which makes the transition quite simple.

...who are "beautiful": 61,098
As Miller stated in his essay, it is not necessary to define beauty in any anecdotal sense, save saying that whatever necessary traits would be normally distributed among the population. Seeing as the traits which I would find to be "beautiful" are somewhat more common among the population of LDS women than would be those of most men, I will say that a woman possessing such traits would need to fall above one standard deviation above average. This gives a value of approximately 15.87% of the populous which hasn't already been eliminated.

...and intelligent: 1393
Seeing as my intelligence is somewhere between 3 and 6 standard deviations above average, I would suppose that, in order to have any measure of happiness with a particular woman, she would need to also be at least 2 standard deviations above average in terms of intelligence. This gives a value of 2.28% of the population.

...and not already married: 418
Citing the same survey by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, approximately 70% of Latter-day Saints are married. These numbers might not be entirely homogenous between genders, but in all honesty, from what I've seen of Mormons, it seems about right.

...who are also interested in me: 66
For this calculation, I assumed that I was about 1 standard deviation below average in traits which LDS women find attractive. This is probably somewhat of a conservative assumption on my part considering that I'm a non-RM, Enginerd with mommy issues. In all reality this is probably somewhere between 1 and 2 standard deviations, but I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt. As already mentioned 1 standard deviation gives a value of 15.87%.

Since it will general be quite apparent which people are LDS, English-speaking women who live in developed countries, I will take my base population pool out of 384,993 women. As was mentioned by Miller in his essay, the one of the best ways to get to know a potential partner is with a pre-planned activity which will generally occur about once a week; generally on weekends. (If you can't tell, I'm trying to avoid using the d-word.) If one of these occasions was to happen every week, it would take 5833 weeks or 112 years before I could be guaranteed to find a woman with whom I'd be mutually compatible. At the current rate of one of these encounters every 6 months, it would be in the neighborhood of 2917 years. So, I suppose that my odds of finding "The One" or perhaps, "One of the Sixty and Six" aren't very good in this life... and to tell you the truth, the millenium isn't looking too sure either. :P

The Least Interesting Man in the World

Disclaimer: This blog post might be perceived as a rant about how much my life sucks. It is not... I really think I have a legitimate case to receive the title of the least interesting man in the world.

Over the past few weeks/months, the commercials for Dos Equis brand beer have had me thinking. These commercials feature the "Most Interesting Man in the World." Of course, at the end he endorses Dos Equis beer, and the commercial makes you think that you'll be more interesting if you drink their piss-water...blah blah blah. The point here is that these commercials have got me to thinking that I might be able to earn the converse title, the least interesting man in the world.

Let's state my case, shall we?

1) I'm a Mormon. "Come on down! We don't drink. We don't smoke. We don't even drink caffeine!" -Robin Williams. And our good friend Robin didn't even mention chastity. Let's see if I can recite all of the behaviors forbidden by the "Honor Cone" to be done outside of marriage: Coitus, Fellatio, Cunnilingus, Sodomy, "Petting", "Heavy Petting", Kissing with tongue, Wanking, Anything else that could be construed as sex, talking about sex, thinking about sex, wanting to have sex. In fact the only permissible sexual behavior is dreaming (while unconscious) about sex. :)

2) I'm from Northglenn, Colorado. I can hear everyone who reads this saying, "Where the eph is Northglenn?" I'll tell you. It's a suburb about the size of a postage stamp due North (go figure) of Denver. Some fat-cat land developer decided that he wanted to create a whole city on the cheap and make a bunch of money. He cut corners wherever possible, and came out with a city that has absolutely no pride, no culture, and no income. :)

3) I'm deathly afraid of people in general, but most especially, women. I tend to do very little socializing at all, and the socializing I do is generally through facebook. Even when I do end up in social situations, I generally sit off in a corner and twiddle my thumbs while everyone else socializes. Don't even talk to me about dating. I generally find the idea of being harshly judged on everything I am and hope to be about analogous being viciously beaten with a Saguaro cactus then covered with lemon juice and salt. :)

4) I'm an engineer. (As if you couldn't have figured that out already. :P ) I find the concepts of ultimate stress and supercritical flow more appealing (and probably more arousing) than most any other activity in which I could partake. I will undoubtedly end up spending more money on my calculator than my wedding ring if by the grace of the Almightly God I end up married. (See 1 and 3 above. :)

5) I spend more time in front of my Wii than anywhere else with the possible exceptions of the Step Down Lounge and the CAEDM Lab. Before the wondrous invention of the contraption know as the Wii, I found the idea of using my thumbs to play baseball, golf, and go street racing utterly absurd. But with this new device I found that video games were actually intuitive! *gasp* It opened up a whole new world to me from the @$$-groove of my couch. Now I don't even need to leave my living room to enjoy all the world has to offer. :)

6) I have no taste in food or music. Right now I'm consuming a Hot Pocket while listening to Toby Keith and Weird Al. People ask me, "What's your favorite food?" When I respond, "Domino's" people tend to give me a sideways glance as if to say: "You ephing hillbilly, get back in your trailer and watch some NASCAR!" XD :)

7) I can tell you exactly what I'll be wearing, months in advance. June-August: T-shirt, jeans, and about half & half flip flops vs. skate shoes. Sept-Nov: Same thing, but guaranteed skate shoes and a hoodie on cold days. Dec-March: Same as Sept-Nov, but guaranteed hoodie. April-May: Same as Jun-Aug, but guaranteed skate shoes. And on every Sunday: Dress clothes... white shirt and tie, suit pants, and no coat. Dang, I'm even getting bored writing all that. :)

8) I get some sort of sick thrill from planning ahead. The day that BYU introduced "MyMap," the webpage that allows students to plan out which classes they want to take and when, I was up until 4 am working out my future schedules in painstaking detail. Also, after the class schedule comes out for a semester, I have my weekly schedule worked out and memorized within an hour. :)

9) I'm too nice of a guy. My mom always taught me to treat people (esp. women) with all possible respect and dignity. What a load of crap. You get more response out of people when you treat them like crap. They'll either respect you for it, or never speak to you again... which is probably a win on your part. :)

10) I've never really had any desire to impress people. As my dad always said, "If you don't like it, you can kiss my @$$!" When people come over to my apartment, I have a tendency to say, "Welcome to my $h*7hole, find a place to sit down... if you can!" XD. People tend to find nothing more interesting than the topic of themselves; and I just don't give a rat's fuzzy, little derriere. :)

Well, that's pretty much what I've got. I think that you'll agree that I'm about the least interesting man in the world. And PS-If you ever hear about any sort of least interesting man competition, let me know, and/or drop my name. ;)

Mom-Crush

In the approximately four years since my family became members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I've observed a very strange phenomenon in my mother. Before we joined the church, my mother had absolutely no access to women in my age bracket. Additionally, before I joined the church, I had a pretty open disdain for marriage, as I saw the costs far outweighing the benefits. I'm glad to report that since I've joined the church, I've found a very strong interest in pursuing an eternal marriage if and when the time is right. But getting back to matter at hand, I've found that ever since my mom has had access to eligible women in my age bracket that she's decided that there will be one person who she idealizes and thinks that I should marry.

The first manifestation of this phenomenon was was with one Miss Lara Renz. Lara was nice, but definitely had issues. Her family has visited their home Webster Lake Ward rarely and have been contending with the current Bishop Smith over tithing and food order issues. She was also on the five year plan on her "online" high school... along with other, unmentionable, issues. To top it all off, I had absolutely zero... maybe even negative physical attraction to this woman. I will admit to one on my shallow pet peeves; if a woman does not have a chin, I'm out... and nothing could make me get over the fact that Lara's face transitioned straight into neck. Anywho, my mom decided that she really wanted me to be married to this woman, though I knew that I was having no part of it, so it wasn't that bothersome.

When my mother got over that crush, she found a new woman who she decided I should marry. Her name was Tasha N. Trembath. I threw the 'N' in there because her initials are "TNT" and I think that's freakin' awesome. Now this was quite a stretch from Lara. Tasha was about the biggest sweetheart I've ever met, and her 5'9" frame and long brown hair made her very attractive to me. Despite these factors though, I found that I just could not bring myself to date her. The reason you ask? A textbook case of the Mom-Crush. The reason that I really couldn't date Tasha is because my mother was infatuated with her to the point that the thought of her interjections into our relationship made me a tidbit nauseous.

I really don't know entirely why my mother's infatuations with me marrying a certain woman entirely turns me off to that woman, but it definitely does. It could be because I really just want to spite her. It could be because my mom would totally and entirely take her side if and when we argued over anything. It could just be because two women are generally not better than one. All I can say is that I'm merely trying to avoid any manifestation of the "Ray Barone Syndrome." Not that my wife and mother would hate each other, au contraire, they would love each other so much that they would team up against me. I'm not honestly sure what the solution to the Mom-Crush phenomenon is. I could bring home a woman that my mom would absolutely despise, (ie blonde with a thin figure and large breasts) but that just wouldn't be the woman for me. I could also move far far away, (at this point, looking at Georgia... my mom wouldn't be caught dead there,) and I will probably do so as soon as possible. Somehow, I believe the true solution relies on finding some sort of balance between the two.