The Call

March 26, 2013

Dear Elder White:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  You are assigned to labor in the California Sacramento Mission.  It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 24 months.

You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, July 31, 2013.  You will prepare to preach the gospel in the English language.  Your assignment may be modified according to the needs of the mission president.

You have been recommended as one worthy to represent the Lord as a minister of the restored gospel.  You will be an official representative of the Church.  As such, you will be expected to maintain the highest standards of conduct and appearance by keeping the commandments, living mission rules, and following the counsel of your mission president.  As you devote your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs, the Lord will bless you with increased knowledge and testimony of the Restoration and of the truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Your purpose will be to invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.  As you serve with all your heart, might, and strength, the Lord will lead you to those who are prepared to be baptized.

The Lord will reward you for the goodness of your life.  Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children.  We place our confidence in you and pray that the Lord will help you become an effective missionary.

You will be set apart as a missionary by your stake president.  Please send your written acceptance promptly, endorsed by your bishop.

Sincerely,
Thomas S. Monson
President

So, if you haven't heard, I got my mission call at the end of March.  I submitted the paperwork basically as soon as I could, so that I wouldn't have to wait and obscenely long time in case I was called to some crazy place like Brazil.  Like twelve days later, my Stake President/recently-released Bishop gave me a text to let me know that they had made my assignment and the call was on its way.  The next Thursday (March 28th) I received a big white envelope in the mail that told me I'd be going to Sacramento.

I've come to the conclusion that a mission is always an interesting experience.  However, I think mine is going to be an especially interesting experience.  I'll be 25 when I leave, I'll have a master's degree, and I'll be serving amongst the youngest missionaries in generations.  Also, the thriving metropolis of Stockton, CA is in my mission.  Stockton hasn't been a very hospitable place in decades, but since 2007, it's ranked in the top 10 in violent crime rate (and probably property crime, too) and perennially makes Forbes' list of most miserable places to live.  These are exciting times, my friends.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with the scripture that, if all goes according to plan, will soon be gracing a plaque in the Denver North Stake Center.  I was planning on using this scripture the first time I tried to go on a mission, but it has much... much more meaning now.  I guess the Spirit testifies of truth, regardless of the timing.

"I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it.  I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy."
-Alma 29:9

Grad School Lessons, Final Take

I feel like there's a tapeworm clinging for dear life to the walls of my small intestine.  It knows that it's lost and that it will soon die.  However, it's trying to inflict as much pain on me as it possibly can in the mean time.  The life-sucking parasite that is ravaging me is not a tapeworm; it's my thesis.  I've basically finished my thesis and I've even defended it, but it's still trying to suck as much life force out of me as it possibly can.  Endless typographical adjustments and the fact that I can't get the -freaking- title on the first page of the text will probably haunt my dreams tonight.

The last grad school lessons post that I made was when I had hardly even begun my research.  Now, there are only a few days of pain left before I can finally rid myself of its parasitic influence.  These are some of the lessons that I've taken away from the last year plus of grad school.

• Academia is a Sick System.  Over the last few decades, many in the western world have fallen, helplessly into the idea that more education is better.  In American primary and secondary education, children are passed along from one grade to another and from one level to another, and occasionally given some accolade or certificate of accomplishment.  They are taught that greater occupational and economic opportunities will be available to them if they simply prove their mettle with more education.  While this is true up to a point, more education is not always more advantageous. Getting a (Philosophy) Doctorate often greatly reduces the variety and number of occupational options for an individual.  With a doctorate, one is often bound to do research at a relatively small number of institutions.  It's like a pair of Palladium handcuffs (like golden handcuffs, but not actually that valuable.)
• It's a trap.  Many prospective academics hearken to the ideal that they'll be able to change the world with their free thinking and applied knowledge.  These unfortunate souls think of academia as an ivory tower in which they can get paid real money to philosophize for a few hours a week and not take life too seriously.  The sad reality is that they are still servants to those who are above them.  The grad student or post-doc bends to the will of his advising professor.  The assistant professor contorts himself into knots to meet the whims of the tenure committee.  The tenured professor conforms to the will of the department head.  The department head does his best to not be a complete puppet to the administration.  And most ironically, they all perform in a dog and pony show to impress the funding agency, so that they can get the money to live their "ideal" lifestyle.  The only difference between industry and academia is that the deadlines are softer.  Speaking of which...
• I Thrive on Deadlines.  Academia is a nebulous space in which deadlines, but are always secondary concerns.  Academics are always busy, in part because there are few, if any intermediate deadlines.  Work gets done in a haphazard and capricious manner with *lots* and *LOTS* of wasted time.  Unlike most academics, I'm an almost obsessive-compulsive planner.  While I don't necessarily plan each of my daily activities, I typically have a very good idea of what I'm going to accomplish on that day, and intermediate deadlines help me to efficiently prioritize that time. The "Here's a huge task, I'll see you in a year" model hasn't been helpful or enjoyable in the least.
• The Ph.D. is Indentured Servitude.  Many people think that Ph.D.s are really smart because they have a lot of education (à la my first point).  However, the reality is that the Ph.D. is much more about tenacity than anything else.  An average Ph.D. takes about 5 years.  Basically anyone who's smart enough to finish a bachelor's degree at a respectable institution could get a Ph.D., it's just a matter of how long it will take.  Devoting years of your life to a Ph.D. is just that: years of your life.  And hey, at the end you get another certificate of achievement! >:-|
• Assistant Professorship is Pure Hades.  In the two years that I've been in grad school I've watched both my advisor and my friend's co-advisor change from bright-eyed, optimistic Ph.D. grads to the jaded cynical professors that we all know and love.  It's not a matter of being more optimistic than previous candidates, it's simply what the system does to you.  If all Master's candidates had to have an assistant professor as their advisor, there would be *significantly* fewer Ph.D.s.
• The Graduate School is the Byzantine Empire.  All the paperwork.  Margin restrictions.  Insanely anal table of contents and listing requirements.  Requiring students to finish ALL degree requirements a month in advance to be eligible to walk at the once-annual commencement ceremony.  Taking 3 months to process a 2-page form and finishing only after consistent badgering.  If you like bureaucracy, you'll love the graduate school administration.
• Also, This.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to the God who created me for the opportunity to receive the excellent education that I've received.  I'm even more grateful for the funding that I've received that has allowed me to minimize my debt and to have enough money to serve a full-time mission.  My degree will have value, particularly as I'm trying to find my first job.  As I found out in 2010, most employers of civil engineers are looking for master's degrees in their candidates.  It's become kind of a de facto requirement, particularly if you're looking for a job doing anything remotely specific.  However, my experience as a master's student has killed all desire that was ever in me to get a Ph.D. and then some.  While I'm sure being a tenured professor has its perks, I'm wholly unwilling to endure the 5+ years of indentured servitude and 6-8 years of pure Hades to do a job that I don't necessarily enjoy that much.  The sick system of academia is right for some people... but I'm not one of them.

Having Faith

Yesterday, one of my friends and fellow disciples in the ways of awkwardness and social unacceptability, Elisse, gave a Sunday School lesson in which she urged the congregation to reread and study their patriarchal blessings.  I read mine again yesterday after I got back from church.  There have always been three paragraphs in my blessing that have been the most interesting up to this point in my life.  One of these has largely been fulfilled (I hope), one is entirely in progress, and the third is clearly yet to be.  As I read my blessing yesterday, it hit me how truly prophetic and (apparently) sequential these things are.

Patriarchal Blessings are given to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by the Lord through ordained patriarchs and usually contain counsel and promised blessings to the individual based on his or her faithfulness.  Because of the personalized nature of these blessings, they should be considered sacred.  Members of the church are generally discouraged from reading their blessings out loud or sharing them with others outside of their immediate family.  In this post, I will share three short lines from my patriarchal blessing, which give only the most general idea of the content.  The vast majority of my blessing will not be shared.  I'm aware that this is very much the electronic equivalent of reading portions of my blessing out loud (in a public square), but I believe that the passages are short enough to maintain the personalization and sacredness of the blessing.  More importantly, I feel prompted by the Spirit to share these things as they appear below.

The three most interesting paragraphs of my blessing appear in order right in the middle of the blessing.  There are several short paragraphs before these three, and a few longer ones after these three, but the Lord put the most interesting parts to my life at this time right in the middle.

First, the part that I think and hope has largely been fulfilled:

"It is important to continue your education.  As you enter institutions of higher learning, you will be able to discern between right and wrong and cleave to the principles of truth."

 I say that I hope that this is mostly fulfill because I'm oh-so-close to getting my master's degree and, at this time, I don't plan on getting a third degree... ever.  If the Lord needs/wants me to get a Ph.D., I won't fight him on it, but I have basically no desire to do so of myself.

The part that's almost eerily prophetic is that it states that I will enter institutions of higher learning; plural.  At this point, I've studied for two different degrees at three different institutions and have, most of the time, had a spirit of discernment about me.  I have largely been able to discern truth from fallacy in what I've seen, heard, and been taught, and have been able to choose what is good.

Next, the part that I'm so in the middle of, it's slightly painful:

"The Lord knows the righteous desires of your heart.  You will be called to serve a mission to take the message of the gospel to many who have never had an opportunity to receive it."

When I went to get my patriarchal blessing in 2006, the patriarch asked me a few questions about myself so that he'd have a better idea of who I am and what my blessing should contain.  At some point, he asked me about my goals or aspirations for the future were... or something like that, I honestly don't remember the question or his response to it.  However, I do remember the Spirit actively engaging my vocal cortex to cause me to say, "I'd like to go on a mission."  The response to that statement came as the first sentence of the passage I shared above.  It didn't seem that profound at the time, but little did I know...

During the five, or so, years that I was called to not serve, I took that first sentence as a mild consolation that I would still be able to serve, probably later in life, as a senior missionary.  Since September or October, when I found out that I would, apparently, be able to serve in my youth, the entire process involved with having that first sentence in my blessing has blown my mind open so wide, you could fit a softball through it.  This has been a clear testimony to me of the omnipotence, omniscience, and infinite love of the Lord for me, on an individual level.  It's like the Lord walking out of an alley, taking off his tie, and saying "Like so," but on a much grander and more powerful scale.  (Don't worry if you don't catch that reference, but bonus points if you do.)

Finally, the part that remains unfulfilled:

"[T]he time will come in your life when you will desire to marry.  You will be lead to one of God's righteous daughters who is choice and has a testimony of the gospel."

I'm not honestly sure how the first sentence will manifest itself.  I mean, I've felt some desire to marry for a while, but it's almost like the Lord is saying, "No, you have not yet begun to feel a desire to marry!"  It kind of scares me... in possibly the least scary way imaginable.

The more profound portion of this statement is in the second sentence.  The Lord states, in no uncertain terms, that there is not only a woman for me, but that he will actively lead me to her when the time is right.  At times I've worried that there worried be a woman for me or that other things would get in the way, but the answer is pretty clearly, "Quit freaking out, dude, I got this," or probably something a little more eloquent.  If I will maintain faith, I can know that not only will there be a woman for me, but that the Lord will lead me to her in a way that will probably be about as obvious as an angel holding a blinking neon sign reading, "Pick This One!"

At various times in my life, I've had trouble cultivating and maintaining that faith to trust in the Lord.  Because I couldn't discern a clear path to the blessings based on the trends that I saw at the time, I didn't want to believe that they would be mine.  However, as I've continued to walk in the path that the Lord has set for me, I've watched the blessings unfold and become manifest in precisely the way that he assured me they would be.  He could see the end from the beginning, even though I could not.  At the moment, even though I cannot discern, in particular, how the Lord will bless me with an eternal marriage and family, he has assured me, in no uncertain terms, that he will provide me with the opportunity to receive such.  Unlike the me of old, I want to maintain faith and resolve to trust in the Lord and his goodness that he will provide the blessings that he has promised me.  I've doubted him before, but I'm going to do my best to not do it again.