English 316

So, yesterday in my Technical Writing class, we were asked by our instructor to write a letter about being rear-ended near Point of the Mountain. Why would you get rear-ended on the interstate? I don't know, but I ran with it. Half the class was asked to write the letter to a loved one, while the other half was asked to write to their insurance company. The point of the exercise was to see the difference in letters that had similar topics when the audience changed, but that's mostly irrelevant. Here's the one I wrote:

Dear Liahona Insurance, Inc.,

I was traveling to Babylon yesterday afternoon to visit Temple Square when I was rear-ended, just north of Lehi by a dirty Spyewt fan. Apparently, he was feeling covetous after another miraculous, last-second victory by BYU's football team, and my BYU license plate frame set him off. After exiting his vehicle, spewing forth expletives, he raised his fist as if to punch me, but was struck dead in the very act. Since my vehicle sustained a sheared frame and his was still in relatively good condition, I drove away with his. I tried to contact his loved ones to see if anyone would want to pick up his vehicle, but his cell phone had no contacts and his facebook profile read, "-1 Friends." I'm still not quite sure how that worked out.

Now the only tasks are removing the smell of body odor, tequila, and formaldehyde from the vehicle, as well as all of the University of Utah paraphernalia. I am contacting you to take care of the minor damage to the bumper, grill, and hood of the vehicle, as well as to get the vehicle painted cougar blue. The original scarlet color had changed in places to more of a fluorescent pink, with all the alcohol that's been spilled on it.

Please get back to me as soon as possible. Go Cougars.

William White

Am I Blagging on a Friday Night? Yes, I Submit that I Am.

As my undergraduate experience is about to come to a close, I'd like to reflect on some of the things I will probably miss when I leave BYU campus and Provo. (In no particular order)

• Football-During the time that I've been attending BYU, the football team has gone 32-7 (.821) , including a 16-2 (.889) record at home, and a 2-1 mark against Sputah. Speaking of Holy War games, I've attended 2, and charged the field at both after seemingly miraculous victories. I will definitely see more BYU football games in the future, because football was one of my most fond memories during my undergrad experience.

• Zoobies-Have you ever seen an undergraduate with 3 kids? I have. During my years here, I've seen kids anywhere from newborn to about 5 sitting in class with their parent(s). I'm not entirely sure why I appreciate the concept of zoobies so much, I guess I just do.

• The Police Beat-There's very little in the Daily Universe (DU) that has any redeeming value. I mean, how can you report on dumpy apartment remodeling as your front-page headline and still take yourself seriously? Anywho, with so little to read in the University newspaper, those things that actually have entertainment value are golden. Thus is the police beat. Since there's very little legitimate crime on BYU campus, the police beat ends up reporting on things like the many pranks around Helaman Halls, the mind-bending crap that goes on in student family housing, and people losing their iPhones, only to find them ten minutes later in their apartment. I have genuinely looked forward to it every Wednesday for quite a while now.

• The DU Readers' Forum-Similar to the Police Beat, the Readers' Forum of the Daily Universe has some entertainment value. The Readers' Forum is basically a place where students can submit preposterous claims like, "If Brigham Young was around today, he wouldn't be able to go to BYU, because he has a beard," or "The principles of the Gospel are essentially similar to socialism." Other readers then take the golden opportunity to criticize these remarks and break them into tiny little bits. The net effect is a section in each day's DU that is jam-packed with pure hilarity... as long as you can appreciate the humor of someone taking themselves WAY too seriously.

• The Environment-Have you ever seen a university where, for the most part, students don't drink, smoke neither the legit tobacky nor the wacky tobacky, and even if they are having illicit sexual relations with strange people, at least keep it on the down low? Welcome to Brigham Young University. I love that this environment produces probably some of the most honorable people I may ever meet in my life and that I am surrounded by them daily. Additionally, I've met some of the smartest people, whether students or professors, while at BYU. This university is truly one-of-a-kind.

• Conservatism-Along the same lines, there is probably not a region in the United States that is nearly as conservative as Provo, Utah. Here politicians actually get voted out of office for not being conservative enough. While we will probably see some of this come November of this year, I've enjoyed living in a place where it happens on a regular basis.
  

• The Testing Center-Now you're probably supposing at this point that I am FREAKING INSANE, but I've counted it a blessing in my life to have a testing facility like this. In most other colleges and universities nationwide, professors just schedule 3 hours for an exam in some classroom on campus, and if you miss it, you're just kind of SOL. I've enjoyed being able to take tests at my leisure, at least within a certain time frame. While I won't particularly miss taking tests, I will miss the freedom afforded to me by a testing facility.

• Religion Classes-I feel like I've been spiritually fed above and beyond what I could have been otherwise. Let me just say that Institute is just not the same. Maybe it's just that my brain isn't in learning mode at 7:30 on a Thursday night, maybe it's that I'm actually somewhat accountable for what I learn, maybe it's that religion professors are better teachers because it's not just their calling, it's their job. Whatever the reason, I've enjoyed the opportunity to have religion classes at BYU. It also doesn't hurt I've taken 5 classes and gotten 5 A's... and am well on my way to a 6th.

• Seeing General Authorities Speak-Before I came to BYU, I saw a grand total of 3 general authorities of the church in person. Since coming to this school, I've lost count. I've seen more prophets and received more guidance from them in the 3 years I've been here than in the 19 years prior. Receiving special words for me and a few thousand of my closest friends from the general authorities of the church is a tremendous blessing that is available at few other places on the earth.
  

• Making Fun of Easy Majors-I remember taking Stat 221 and thinking that the class was a joke. I'd play calculator games the whole time, then go and get 98% on the test. People would often tell me that they struggled with that class and considered themselves lucky to have passed it. What's the reason for this disparity? Stat 221 is required for: Business, the School of Family Life, Psychology, Sociology, and Family History majors. Since that time I've taken it upon myself to make fun of people whose majors require half the number of credit hours as mine and have dramatically easier classes. While this wouldn't be specific to BYU, it's something that I've treasured during my undergrad experience.

• Norm Nemrow-Though I'm taking his Accounting 200 class in my senior year, I still feel blessed to be on the same campus as him. Norm was a great entrepreneur and made like a googol dollars in both his business and his later investments. Yet, he's still a great teacher, even over his DVD software. Norm is the man.

• Dissing the Spyewts-Trust me, I will continue to disrespect the University of Utah and their Spyewts as much as is reasonable, but I will probably not have the opportunity to do it as a student again. I have relished the opportunity to go to a school that has such a bitter rival so close in proximity. I will probably not have another opportunity to accuse my rivals of being in line with Satan (unless I go to the University of Arizona for grad school). In fine, the Holy War rivalry is part of what has made my BYU experience so great.
  

So there you have it. While there will certainly be some things that I won't miss about my undergrad experience, there have also certainly been a good number of things that I have embraced, and that I will certainly miss when I leave this place.