About six months ago, I did a SWOT analysis of my life. In this analysis, I detailed what I thought my greatest weaknesses were at the time. In the mean time, I have put a finger on exactly what one of my greatest weaknesses is.
I realized this when I went to a graduate open house for Virginia Tech, one of my prospective graduate schools. During this open house, professors gave presentations about their current research and prospective students were encouraged to talk to them about it and ask them questions. The fact that current graduate students were passing out more beer than I had seen in one place in my life up to that point put me somewhat on edge. It was this slight discomfort in the situation that pushed me over the edge and allowed me to realize a greater source of anxiety and dread in this situation: that I was basically be told to go up to these professors and ask them for research money. I was absolutely paralyzed and realized that I could not be effective in this act, and this is my greatest weakness.
I feel incredible discomfort and anxiety when I ask anyone for anything.
To put it in microeconomic terms, there is nothing from which I get more utility than not having to ask people for things. In more practical terms, there is almost nothing in the world that's worth the anxiety of having to ask for it. I would and have passed up money, notoriety, help, and love because they would have to be asked for. In the case of the Virginia Tech open house, I was unable to approach professors with questions on their research, and along with it, a vastly increased possibility of going to a top-10 civil engineering school for essentially free because the anxiety I felt over asking for something outweighed even these great benefits.
Just in case you haven't made the connection yet, this is probably the best reason that I have been on a whopping 4 or 5 dates (depending on your definition of a date) in the last two years. Asking for dates and general companionship from women is and even greater stressor, because it compounds the anxiety I feel over asking for things with the fear that I have of ending up in a relationship like my parents'. Those who are really quick might be inclined to ask, "Well, weren't you engaged? Twice?" To you I say, "Well aren't you perceptive." Yes, I was engaged twice. However, both of these had flown pretty far over the cuckoo's nest. Far enough, in fact, that they were even willing to ask guys out. And that's how they started, both of them. This isn't to say that I've never asked a woman out; I have. Suffice it to say that these were not pleasant experiences for me and never progressed past that one date.
When I realized that I avoided asking for things because of the anxiety that I felt, I sought to know where this behavior came from. With only a little self-awareness I was able to identify the cause: Operant Conditioning. In this blag, I've placed the blame for many of my emotional issues on my mother. However, both of my parents can share the responsibility for this one. Since my mom spent money like a drunken sailor on a three day pass, it was in my dad's best interest to prevent her from spending as much money as he possibly could. My dad, thus, punished me every time that I asked for something that cost money. I don't know about you, but when I was five, everything that I wanted cost money. I don't remember what most of the punishments were, but I distinctly remember my dad saying, "Boy, every time you say 'I want,' I'm gonna beat your @$$." Granted, he didn't actually beat my @$$ all that often, but that phrase definitely stuck with me. I learned to simply not ask for things.
To tell you the truth, I have no idea how I would overcome all the years of learning that I have experienced. I can tell you one thing: I certainly won't be asking for help any time soon.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Denkers Curse
First some background. My dad was born 'Gary Denkers.' He was the son of James and Kay Antoinette (Toni) Denkers. After these two divorced, Toni married a guy named Wes. He then adopted my dad and his 3 siblings and their last names were changed. This is why my grandpa on my dad's side (who's my only surviving grandparent at this point) has a different last name than my dad and me. My dad spent the first 16, or so, years of his life as Gary Denkers.
Now to the content. There is an interesting phenomenon on my dad's side of the family in which the men tend to get married very young to equally young women who end up being psycho and treating them like crap. My dad and I like to call this the Denkers curse. The Denkers curse has been present in at least the last 3 generations: my dad, his dad, and his dad before him.
My dad got married at age 21 to a woman who's almost six years older than him. I've previously expounded on the relationship between my parents in this blag and how this has done its share of screwing me up in the head, so I won't elaborate too much here. Suffice it to say that my mom has a really weird way of showing her love, even insomuch that those receiving it don't recognize it as love and sometimes wish that she wouldn't so much.
My grandpa got married at age 20 to a woman who could barely be called a woman at age 18. My dad was their first child and I've done the math, he was born about 6 or 7 months after they got married. From what my dad has told me, his mom was totally whacked out in the head. To be fair, she was only whacked in the head when she was drunk, unfortunately her blood alcohol content rarely fell below 0.20 because she chain drank screwdrivers constantly. As I previously mentioned, my dad's parents ended up getting divorced when he was about 8 and his mom remarried a few years later. About the time my dad was 18 (9 years before I was born) his mom committed suicide in their garage by carbon monoxide poisoning. Needless to say, I've never met her. I don't totally know exactly what the time frame is, but my grandpa also ended up getting remarried sometime afterward. I've actually seen the relationship between my grandpa and his second wife. She is substantially less psycho than my grandmother, but I still kind of thought that she treated my grandpa like he was a used tampon that gave her TSS. You can only imagine my surprise when my dad told me that she'd mellowed out in her old age. The moral of the story: my grandpa is very deeply 0 for 2.
I don't know a lot about the relationship between my great grandpa and his wife, I only know what my dad tells me. From what he has told me, my great grandmother was a very physically large woman who had a personality to match. This is where I get my large frame. I hear that she was great if you were on her good side, but that she was totally domineering if you weren't. I can only imagine how her husband was on her bad side more often than not.
I don't say these things to bash on women or to try to garner pity. I say this because I very deeply want to avoid the mistakes that my fathers have made. At this point I am 22 years old and am now over a year older than even the oldest of my ancestors when they got married. Also, even if I met a perfect companion as listed two posts ago today, I would still not get married before age 23. Granted, I only barely escaped the curse with my life. I was engaged to be married to fiancée #1 when I was 20 and to fiancée #2 when I was 21. I am very grateful that these relationships fell apart, because I can now see the writing on the wall of what they would have been.
There's also a factor in these three relationships that I have not yet mentioned. My dad told me a couple of years back, "If you and your prospective spouse stay in the church and keep the covenants you've made, you will do just fine." The biggest problem in these relationships was that these people weren't very active in the church for much of their lives. My great grandparents were what Elders Quorum Presidents would call "Semi-actives." They made it to church every once in a while, but never made a habit out of it. From what I've written here, it should be obvious that my grandparents were keeping the commandments of God much at all. Fortunately, my grandpa and his second wife have returned to the church and been active in their ward. After leaving home at 18, my dad was inactive for right around 25 years before he returned. My mom wasn't a member of the church when they got married and they originally built the foundation of their marriage on something other than the Gospel of Christ. What I take away from this knowledge is not only that getting married when you're young and stupid can be a terrible idea, but also that if a marriage has its piles driven deeply into the bedrock of Christ, there is nothing that remove it. It may be damaged and it may not look pretty from the outside, but it will stand strong.
Now to the content. There is an interesting phenomenon on my dad's side of the family in which the men tend to get married very young to equally young women who end up being psycho and treating them like crap. My dad and I like to call this the Denkers curse. The Denkers curse has been present in at least the last 3 generations: my dad, his dad, and his dad before him.
My dad got married at age 21 to a woman who's almost six years older than him. I've previously expounded on the relationship between my parents in this blag and how this has done its share of screwing me up in the head, so I won't elaborate too much here. Suffice it to say that my mom has a really weird way of showing her love, even insomuch that those receiving it don't recognize it as love and sometimes wish that she wouldn't so much.
My grandpa got married at age 20 to a woman who could barely be called a woman at age 18. My dad was their first child and I've done the math, he was born about 6 or 7 months after they got married. From what my dad has told me, his mom was totally whacked out in the head. To be fair, she was only whacked in the head when she was drunk, unfortunately her blood alcohol content rarely fell below 0.20 because she chain drank screwdrivers constantly. As I previously mentioned, my dad's parents ended up getting divorced when he was about 8 and his mom remarried a few years later. About the time my dad was 18 (9 years before I was born) his mom committed suicide in their garage by carbon monoxide poisoning. Needless to say, I've never met her. I don't totally know exactly what the time frame is, but my grandpa also ended up getting remarried sometime afterward. I've actually seen the relationship between my grandpa and his second wife. She is substantially less psycho than my grandmother, but I still kind of thought that she treated my grandpa like he was a used tampon that gave her TSS. You can only imagine my surprise when my dad told me that she'd mellowed out in her old age. The moral of the story: my grandpa is very deeply 0 for 2.
I don't know a lot about the relationship between my great grandpa and his wife, I only know what my dad tells me. From what he has told me, my great grandmother was a very physically large woman who had a personality to match. This is where I get my large frame. I hear that she was great if you were on her good side, but that she was totally domineering if you weren't. I can only imagine how her husband was on her bad side more often than not.
I don't say these things to bash on women or to try to garner pity. I say this because I very deeply want to avoid the mistakes that my fathers have made. At this point I am 22 years old and am now over a year older than even the oldest of my ancestors when they got married. Also, even if I met a perfect companion as listed two posts ago today, I would still not get married before age 23. Granted, I only barely escaped the curse with my life. I was engaged to be married to fiancée #1 when I was 20 and to fiancée #2 when I was 21. I am very grateful that these relationships fell apart, because I can now see the writing on the wall of what they would have been.
There's also a factor in these three relationships that I have not yet mentioned. My dad told me a couple of years back, "If you and your prospective spouse stay in the church and keep the covenants you've made, you will do just fine." The biggest problem in these relationships was that these people weren't very active in the church for much of their lives. My great grandparents were what Elders Quorum Presidents would call "Semi-actives." They made it to church every once in a while, but never made a habit out of it. From what I've written here, it should be obvious that my grandparents were keeping the commandments of God much at all. Fortunately, my grandpa and his second wife have returned to the church and been active in their ward. After leaving home at 18, my dad was inactive for right around 25 years before he returned. My mom wasn't a member of the church when they got married and they originally built the foundation of their marriage on something other than the Gospel of Christ. What I take away from this knowledge is not only that getting married when you're young and stupid can be a terrible idea, but also that if a marriage has its piles driven deeply into the bedrock of Christ, there is nothing that remove it. It may be damaged and it may not look pretty from the outside, but it will stand strong.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Teh Grad Skoolinz
Since several people have asked me about the grad school situation, I figure I should offer a bit of an update. As you may or may not have read in this post, I applied to 7 universities to pursue a master's degree in civil/geotechnical engineering. At this point I have made no final decision on where I will be attending school in the fall. I am still waiting on admissions decisions from two schools and, to date, no school has offered me funding. This will probably happen sometime in March or April, so I don't expect to make my decision before the ides of April (the 15th for you non-Shakespearean types.) Here are updates for each of the schools to which I applied:
- Virginia Tech - I got an admission letter to VT about a month and a half after I finished the application. I also found out that there is indeed a single's ward in Blacksburg, though it would most likely be the next in a long series of unfortunate dudefests. The Virginia Tech geotechnical group is also having a graduate open house next week on the 25th and 26th. They offered to reimburse me for travel costs up to $600, thus I will be in Virginia at the end of the month.
- CU Boulder - I haven't yet gotten a physical letter from the university, but the geotechnical group and the civil engineering department have recommended me for admission, which means that it's coming any day now. They're also having an open house for admitted civil engineering grad students on March 4th to which I have already RSVP'd. The university hasn't offered to reimburse for anything, but the professor who sent me the admissions email offered to pay out of his own pocket for my parking because he was excited to meet me.
- Oregon State - I received an admissions letter from Oregon State a couple of weeks ago. As unfortunate as it is, the graduate open house for OSU's civil engineering department is on March 4th, the exact same day as CU Boulder's. I found this out from the department's prospective grad student website and not from a formal invitation, which is one of the reasons that I'll be attending CU Boulder's. The other reason is that CU is 20 miles from my house and I will have just gotten back from Virginia 4 days earlier. Under the circumstances, a 20-mile trek sounds much more inviting than a 1300 mile one. I will still probably visit OSU/ Corvallis, but not for the civil engineering grad open house.
- Washington - UW has found a little favor in my sight since I made the last grad school post. This is mostly because they confirmed with me that they had received everything they needed for my application, which at least partially made up for their previous ridiculousness. However, my impression so far is that the university as a whole is massively bureaucratic and runs like molasses in a Minnesota winter. I think I'd still like to go there, but it seems that other universities want me a whole lot more than UW does. I haven't heard anything about my admission or a graduate open house, but they have received my FAFSA, which is a good sign.
- BYU - All of the components to my application were received by the university on the 11th of this month (4 days before the deadline.) I expect to hear back from them in the affirmative sometime soon. The problem with BYU is that I'm pretty certain that I won't have funding for the first two semesters that I'm there. Dr. Rollins has the funding for earthquake drain research all lined up. The problem is that the proposal detailed using the shake table at the University of Buffalo, which is booked until the spring of '12, thus I cannot take advantage of funding until after Winter semester '12.
- Purdue - I didn't get into Purdue.
- UCLA - After dealing with all the bull detailed in the last post, I've decided to strike UCLA from the record. I'm also thinking, at this point, that I didn't get 3 signed letters of rec to the civil engineering department at all, much less before the dealine. I'm also pretty sure that no one has even looked at my application, or any of the others, since they were submitted, even though UCLA had the earliest deadline of all the schools to which I applied.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The List
Latter-day Saints around the world are often encouraged (sometimes to their detriment) to create a list of qualities that they would look for in a spouse. I've always thought this was kind of a corny cliché, but recently I've been thinking about what kind of woman I'd like to be with for the rest of eternity... yeah, that's right, ETERNITY! Considering the nature of my 2 previous engagements, I probably should have done this sooner, but alas, here's what I've come up with. I've ranked them in approximate order of importance, but other than the pluses at the bottom, they're all pretty important.
- Sane, or in more PC terms, emotionally stable - I'd like to think here that there's a happy medium somewhere between being totally incapable of expressing emotion and thus bottling it up and wanting to kill people in their sleep (à la fiancée #2) and being so emotive that every decision you make is dominated by emotions. Maybe this is just a pipe dream. There are various other neuroses out there, but let's just say that I'd like to be with a woman who's within about 2 standard deviations of average sanity. Just about any woman who was loved by and who still has a good relationship with her parents and who hasn't been sexually assaulted/molested will be easily in this range. These are the two parameters I look at most. I look forward to your letters.
- Compassionate, Kind, Genuine, Sincere, etc. - I've met a few hardcore, two-faced b*tches in my day and I want nothing to do with that. I'd like to be with a woman who is capable of being a caring and empathetic mother and is willing to love people for who they are. All of us make mistakes and I only hope that I can find a woman who is willing to forgive when true repentance is espoused by the transgressor.
- Dedicated to the Gospel & to Christ - I really don't want to have to drag my wife (and, by extension, our children) to church kicking and screaming. While most of the women who fit well in this category would be less than interested in me, I still hold out hope. :)
- Financially Responsible - I know that most women get some strange, ethereal utility out of spending money on things that they may or may not ever use, but there are always limits. If a woman doesn't have the capacity to know how much money her family unit is bringing in and limit her spending to less than that amount, I will run away with my fingers in my ears yelling "LA LA LA LA! Can't hear you!" all the way.
- Reasonably Intelligent - My engagement with Fiancée #1 broke off 1) because we were both a little cuckoo and 2) because she was significantly less intelligent than me. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, but when there's basically no intellectual compatibility or common ground, it's just not going to work. I generally suppose that I'm about 4.5 standard deviations above average in intelligence. Even though it would eliminate a large proportion of women, I think a woman would need to be at least 1.5 standard deviations above average to be compatible.
- There's No Good Antonym for 'Jealous' - I'm not exclusively talking about being jealous of other women. My companion shouldn't be worried in any way about that, because engineers make great husbands. What I'm speaking of more is something I call "time jealousy." I've met a few women who are so jealous of their husbands having hobbies or friends that they whine so incessantly, their husbands give up hope of ever having a life outside of their wife. I understand that some people need quality time to feel loved, but at some point, you cross over into the realm of the first point on this list.
- Attractive - Let me just say that I'm in no way looking for a swimsuit model (because men don't generally find supermodels terribly attractive.) Attractive women are great, but at the end of the day, you have to deal with the b*tch behind the pretty face. There are really only two things that I look for. The first is a woman who's thinner than me, because let's be honest, no one is going to be happy if a wife is flabbier than her husband. I'll admit the second is weird, but I think I'm entitled to my preferences. I don't know what it is, but I like a woman a shapely chin. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense to me either, just go with it. If a woman is reasonably thin and has a nice chin, she's pretty much all that ask for in terms of looks. (I'm also a sucker for a woman with green eyes. This is in no way a prerequisite, but it would be a solid plus. :)
- Accepting of my Humor and the Frequent Lack Thereof - This kind of hearkens back to point 2, but I'd like a woman who will crack up at my witty remarks every now and then. It'd be even better if she had a few witty remarks of her own, but I make no such demands.
- Pro 2nd Amendment - I embrace an "I will have guns in my house, and if you don't like it, you can come take them from me; I'll be waiting," kind of mentality. If a woman doesn't accept guns in the house, we shouldn't get married. Luckily, this is becoming progressively easier to find.
- Willing to Let me Name my Firstborn Son Whatever I Please - If he was born right now, his name would be "Jimmer."
- Affectionate - I like to be touched and to touch in return. If a woman shared that sentiment, it would add a lot to our relationship.
- Sports Literate - A healthy proportion of my banter comes from the world of sports, especially from the months of September to January (Football season and MLB playoffs.) If a woman could at least appreciate an occasional game, it would be really nice.
- On a Similar Level of Nerdiness - I don't necessarily want a woman who wants to talk bearing capacity failures and prestressed concrete all day, but I would like a woman who has at least a couple of things that she's mega-nerdy about. It could be biology, literature, speech anatomy, or ancient near-eastern history, but I'd like a woman that had that passion about a thing or two so that she could talk about it all day. Also, a woman who appreciated Doctor Who, anime, and the occasional video game would be nice too.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Don't Confuse the Three
Over my about 22.5 years of life so far, I've gained some wisdom that I wish everyone, especially those in my age range, understood. This wisdom is a knowledge of the segmentation of and difference between three oft-confused things: Love, Lust, and Infatuation. In the US, we often add the meaning of latter two in the first. Like any word or words in English or other languages, the definitions of these can vary depending on who you ask and the context of the statement in which the word is used. There's a whole field of people who don't make any money as they study semantics. There are often no clean cut, concrete definitions for words and when there are, the definitions are always changing. Regardless of how you define the three words listed above, I have gained some insight into three phenomena of human interpersonal relationships that I have labeled as Love, Lust, and Infatuation, and I would encourage anyone who reads this to understand them and, at least in general, refer to them as such.
Much of my insight into these three interpersonal phenomena has come through my study of religion and religious texts. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my knowledge of these three things is irreversibly tied to my membership in this church and to my faith. I will refer to scriptural passages and to principles of the Gospel of Christ inasmuch as they have helped me learn about phenomena of human behavior.
Infatuation
Infatuation, as I know it, is an intense desire to be with a person to whom one is physically or emotionally attracted. In contemporary America, we often say things like "falling in love," when we refer to infatuation. This phenomena can be either one or two-sided; one person can be infatuated with another either with or without reciprocation. When infatuation is reciprocated, it often results in a passionate, whirlwind relationship. The sad truth that we all must face is that infatuation, no matter how fervent, is temporary. No matter how much we think we care for someone or how "in love" we may be, the infatuation will always burn out. Sociologists have studied the phenomenon of infatuation and have found that it generally lasts, at most, two years. Regardless of who is involved, the intense feeling of attraction of one person to another will usually die out within two years time. The important part is what we decide to do after that time.
Allow me to say, as a disclaimer, that I believe in the principles of evolution and the principles of creation and I do not believe that these two are mutually exclusive. You can disagree, and that's just fine with me. That being said, I will get on with my point. Evolutionary biologists tell us that infatuation developed in humans in order to increase our reproductive output. In other words, if we didn't fall into an intense attraction for another person we wouldn't reproduce nearly as much. The genes that inhibit infatuation have been naturally deselected, in a manner of speaking. I would just add that the God of heaven created us with a propensity for infatuation so that we would want to get married and fulfill that aspect of His eternal plan. If we were really thinking about what marriage would be like instead of idealizing it through the rose-colored glasses of infatuation, I get the feeling that there would be drastically fewer marriages.
Infatuation is important, but it is even more important to recognize it and to recognize when it has faded and how one should proceed.
Lust
Paul the apostle used the word "lust" in many of his letters to various Eurasian churches in his day. The use of this word was often in reference to sexual desire and the expression thereof. This meaning of the word persists today such that it is almost used interchangeably with sexual desire. However, I propose a broader definition that encompasses more than just sexual lust. Lust is, at its core, selfishness. I would describe lust as a desire for something whether concrete or intangible such that one is willing to sacrifice the well being of others. In the case of sexual lust, one is desirous to engage in sexual behaviors for the sole purpose of satisfying his or her desire, without regard to the desires and welfare of others involved. Merely harboring these desires is enough to constitute lust and acting on them involves a greater degree of lust. I believe that lust, in general, should be essentially synonymous with selfishness and greed. Putting your own desires before those of others is at the heart of lust.
The best example of lust is that of Lucifer in the premortal life as far as Latter-day Saints understand it. In the grand council of heaven, the plan of salvation, which we are living, was presented before the children of God. In this plan, the children of God would have to choice to follow him and to be redeemed by Christ, or not. Lucifer, who is Satan rebelled against God, saying, "Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, are surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor." Moses 4:1. It is common amongst Latter-day Saints to suppose that Satan's plan would have forced humanity to do good. I believe, however, that this was actually one in which there was no law and thus all would be saved by default and in which none would be able to progress. Satan so desired the glory and honor of God that he was willing to sacrifice the eternal welfare of all the children of God to get it. This is the most profound example of lust that can be found.
Love
Love is the opposite of lust and selfishness and can thus be characterized as selflessness or giving. Paul used the word "charity" to describe how the saints should treat others. Said he, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, it is not puffed up." 1 Cor 13:4. In this context, the word "charity" could and should be interchanged with "love." Love, in its purest form, is the state of being willing to make personal sacrifices on behalf of another.
In his book, "The Five Love Languages," Dr. Gary Chapman reveals that there are essentially five ways that a person can feel loved by another. These are the five love languages. In this book, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to speak your spouse's love language, even and especially, if it not your own. Regardless of how big or small the sacrifice might be, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to make sacrifices in order to make one's spouse feel love. He also states that it is impossible to force someone to love you, everyone has the freedom to choose whether they will make some sacrifice on behalf of others or not.
The premier example of love is, of course, the Savior, Jesus Christ. Because he desired our eternal welfare, he suffered beyond all mortal comprehension and willingly died. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that all mankind could return to God and become His disciples. The well-known scripture John 3:16 truly shows what love is and should be.
Earlier in this post, I said that it is important to know what one should do in a reciprocal relationship after the infatuation has worn off. What you should do, if you haven't already, is to love. When the infatuation wears off, you should be prepared to make sacrifices on behalf of your partner/spouse so that he or she can feel loved by you. Even better, you should get in the habit of making sacrifices while the infatuation is still there, before they even begin to feel like sacrifices. God has also commanded us that we should love everyone, not just our significant others. It is important for all of us to show love to everyone who we meet, whether we'd trust them with our children, or not. I don't know this from experience and I have never really done it myself, but I do know that this is the way that God has prepared for His children to be happy.
Much of my insight into these three interpersonal phenomena has come through my study of religion and religious texts. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my knowledge of these three things is irreversibly tied to my membership in this church and to my faith. I will refer to scriptural passages and to principles of the Gospel of Christ inasmuch as they have helped me learn about phenomena of human behavior.
Infatuation
Infatuation, as I know it, is an intense desire to be with a person to whom one is physically or emotionally attracted. In contemporary America, we often say things like "falling in love," when we refer to infatuation. This phenomena can be either one or two-sided; one person can be infatuated with another either with or without reciprocation. When infatuation is reciprocated, it often results in a passionate, whirlwind relationship. The sad truth that we all must face is that infatuation, no matter how fervent, is temporary. No matter how much we think we care for someone or how "in love" we may be, the infatuation will always burn out. Sociologists have studied the phenomenon of infatuation and have found that it generally lasts, at most, two years. Regardless of who is involved, the intense feeling of attraction of one person to another will usually die out within two years time. The important part is what we decide to do after that time.
Allow me to say, as a disclaimer, that I believe in the principles of evolution and the principles of creation and I do not believe that these two are mutually exclusive. You can disagree, and that's just fine with me. That being said, I will get on with my point. Evolutionary biologists tell us that infatuation developed in humans in order to increase our reproductive output. In other words, if we didn't fall into an intense attraction for another person we wouldn't reproduce nearly as much. The genes that inhibit infatuation have been naturally deselected, in a manner of speaking. I would just add that the God of heaven created us with a propensity for infatuation so that we would want to get married and fulfill that aspect of His eternal plan. If we were really thinking about what marriage would be like instead of idealizing it through the rose-colored glasses of infatuation, I get the feeling that there would be drastically fewer marriages.
Infatuation is important, but it is even more important to recognize it and to recognize when it has faded and how one should proceed.
Lust
Paul the apostle used the word "lust" in many of his letters to various Eurasian churches in his day. The use of this word was often in reference to sexual desire and the expression thereof. This meaning of the word persists today such that it is almost used interchangeably with sexual desire. However, I propose a broader definition that encompasses more than just sexual lust. Lust is, at its core, selfishness. I would describe lust as a desire for something whether concrete or intangible such that one is willing to sacrifice the well being of others. In the case of sexual lust, one is desirous to engage in sexual behaviors for the sole purpose of satisfying his or her desire, without regard to the desires and welfare of others involved. Merely harboring these desires is enough to constitute lust and acting on them involves a greater degree of lust. I believe that lust, in general, should be essentially synonymous with selfishness and greed. Putting your own desires before those of others is at the heart of lust.
The best example of lust is that of Lucifer in the premortal life as far as Latter-day Saints understand it. In the grand council of heaven, the plan of salvation, which we are living, was presented before the children of God. In this plan, the children of God would have to choice to follow him and to be redeemed by Christ, or not. Lucifer, who is Satan rebelled against God, saying, "Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, are surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor." Moses 4:1. It is common amongst Latter-day Saints to suppose that Satan's plan would have forced humanity to do good. I believe, however, that this was actually one in which there was no law and thus all would be saved by default and in which none would be able to progress. Satan so desired the glory and honor of God that he was willing to sacrifice the eternal welfare of all the children of God to get it. This is the most profound example of lust that can be found.
Love
Love is the opposite of lust and selfishness and can thus be characterized as selflessness or giving. Paul used the word "charity" to describe how the saints should treat others. Said he, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, it is not puffed up." 1 Cor 13:4. In this context, the word "charity" could and should be interchanged with "love." Love, in its purest form, is the state of being willing to make personal sacrifices on behalf of another.
In his book, "The Five Love Languages," Dr. Gary Chapman reveals that there are essentially five ways that a person can feel loved by another. These are the five love languages. In this book, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to speak your spouse's love language, even and especially, if it not your own. Regardless of how big or small the sacrifice might be, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that it is important to make sacrifices in order to make one's spouse feel love. He also states that it is impossible to force someone to love you, everyone has the freedom to choose whether they will make some sacrifice on behalf of others or not.
The premier example of love is, of course, the Savior, Jesus Christ. Because he desired our eternal welfare, he suffered beyond all mortal comprehension and willingly died. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that all mankind could return to God and become His disciples. The well-known scripture John 3:16 truly shows what love is and should be.
Earlier in this post, I said that it is important to know what one should do in a reciprocal relationship after the infatuation has worn off. What you should do, if you haven't already, is to love. When the infatuation wears off, you should be prepared to make sacrifices on behalf of your partner/spouse so that he or she can feel loved by you. Even better, you should get in the habit of making sacrifices while the infatuation is still there, before they even begin to feel like sacrifices. God has also commanded us that we should love everyone, not just our significant others. It is important for all of us to show love to everyone who we meet, whether we'd trust them with our children, or not. I don't know this from experience and I have never really done it myself, but I do know that this is the way that God has prepared for His children to be happy.
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