The Evidence Just Keeps Pouring In

Over the past few days... or weeks... or months... I haven't really kept track actually, I've been noticing more and more evidence that I am completely off of my rocker insane. In this entry, I will present some of this new-found evidence to you.

Exhibit A-I've recently decided that I would like to pursue a Management (aka Business Management) minor. After all, even the most valuable engineering knowledge doesn't do you any good without knowledge of how the world and world markets work. Additionally, it's really good for the resume in such a volatile economy... And I just kinda want to be like Catbert and/or Dogbert from the Dilbert cartoons... with a little bit of Wally mixed in. :D

Exhibit A.1-I've decided that I'd like to complete the aforementioned minor in no more time than I had previously planned to obtain a BS in Civil Engineering with no minor. This means that I'll be taking such classes as: Structural Analysis, CE Materials, Traffic Engineering, Structural Steel Design, Soil Mechanics, Capstone, and Reinforced Concrete Design along with classes for the minor.

Exhibit A.2-This will mean that I will need to take 17.5 credit hours for both next fall and winter semesters as well as 7 for next spring and 9 for next summer. Since I haven't finished all my generals, this won't be as bad as it sounds on paper, and my GPA won't even necessarily have to suffer, but holy $h*7 I thought I had no free time before!

Exhibit B-After returning home and living again with my parents for about a month and a half, I've found that I have a burning and undeniable urge to go back to Provo. Yes, I said PROVO, P-R-O-V-O... Provo. I wish to return to the land of euphemisms, RMs, and NCMO for one sole reason... it's 500 miles away from my parents.

Exhibit C-Tonight I found myself reading my textbook for CE En 305 A/B-Civil Engineering Materials... just for shiggles. And the worst part about it was that I was actually entertained by it. I could have easily watched TV or played Mario Kart until my neurons started to leak out of my ears, but no... I found myself unable to put down the 2nd edition of "Materials for Civil and Construction Engineers."

Exhibit D-A lot of men joke about how they would prefer handguns to women... There are endless links to the same top 10 list that chronicles how "Handguns works correctly everyday of the month," and "You can buy a silencer for a handgun." But since I acquired Nikki [my Glock 17 (See entry titled "2 things")] I've found that I actually prefer her company to that of most women. I haven't quite gotten to level of having full conversations with her or sleeping with her in my bed... but it's headed that way.

Exhibit E-I've recently been thinking about names for my potential children that would be the most sadistic. Of course there's "Snow White" for a girl or "Off White" for either, but I knew I could do better than that. How about marrying a black woman and naming one of our kids "Half White?" That kid would legitimately hate me. I could name my kid after a species of quail "Bob White," and of course, his full name would have to be "Bobert." Or I could be a real douche and name my kid, first name: Black, middle name: And, last name: White. That kid would kill me in my sleep. But then there are also good sets of initials that I could give my children. I've thought about Jacob Ezekiel White. Then there would be Sarah Anne White. If one of my girls was really fat I could name her Corinne Olivia White... The list goes on and on.

I guess the jury's still out on my insanity, but I'm just saying, that at the rate I'm going, things aren't looking good. :)

The Williams Skank Index

So far this Summer, I've been to more baseball games than I'd been to in about the 5 previous years combined. And in most any baseball game I've been to, I've found that there have been a plentitude of less-than-wholesome women. I don't know what it is about professional sporting events that brings out the hoes, but they are definitely there in adundance. Anywho, the point of this post is that I've recently noticed that not even all promiscuous, for lack of a better word, women are equally skanky. This has sprung a desire in me to be able to discern the disease-infested whore from the tattoo-on-the-small-of-the-back skand from the Mormon girl. And, in all honesty, I just don't think there's a good enough system established, so I think I'm going to establish one myself. I call it, The Williams Skank Index for Women. (I would have called in the White Index, but that sounds a little racist. ;)

So, I've decided that the Williams Skank Index should be a numerical scale ranging from 1 to 100. I originally considered a 1 to 10 scale, but I felt that more precision was necessary, and that it would be too easily confused with the 1-10 hotness scale. On this scale, 1 would be a minimum skankiness, 100 would be a maximum and 69 would be the maximum skankiness that would be appealing to an average, heterosexual man. The Williams Index would generally be based on outward appearance, but also incorporates certain aspects of personality. Additionally, the index is generally only applied to women in their 20s, but can be modified for older women... especially those who never outgrew their 20s skankiness. :o At this point, it would be a mostly subjective scale, with little or no methodology, but could be modified in the future to incorporate some methodology. This would most likely include something like a points system for certain, skanktastic attributes.

In order to give you a more full comprehension of the Williams Skank Index, I've included some examples of ratings and the type of woman, or a specific woman that would generally fit into such a category.

1-FLDS women, and the Amish: You see nothing but hands and face.

10-Your high school gym teacher: t-shirt and basketball shorts, no make up, pony tail... or maybe crew cut. :o

20-An average Mormon woman: Full coverage of chest and midriff, skirts and shorts below the knee, modest hair and make-up.

30-Woman generally in good taste: Perhaps a descending neckline, or a little bit of Britney Spears belly action, but mostly modest.

40-Every article of clothing this woman owns is skin-tight, and many even restrict her breathing. Halter-tops and booty shorts are common, but mostly devoid of piercings and tattoos. Make-up in good taste.

45-This is about where piercings other than ears and tattoos come into play. A staple of a woman in this range is the belly-button ring, but other piercings such as nose could also be in this range. Generally, only one tattoo or additional piercing is apparent at this level.

50-Bon qui qui from the Mad TV King Burger skit: At this point large quantities of make-up and hair product are being applied. Additionally, the tattoo on the small of the back is a big feature amongst this range of woman.

55-This is about where booty shorts and exposed thong straps rear their ugly heads. If it's more than about 70 degrees out, this woman is wearing nothing but a bikini top and the afformentioned booty shorts.

60-3 or 4 of each tattoos and piercings are displayed via the very scanty clothing. Make-up is applied heavily, but not in excess.

69-Similar to 60, but wearing 2 dimes and a corn chip. Most "stars" of pornographic films are in this range... whether naturally or not.

75-Too much make-up is often applied. Eye shadow and rouge begin to become entirely unnatural. Multiple plastic surgeries (most often breast augmentations) become apparent to the untrained eye.

80-Often sports tank top with no bra... even though she really needs one. Has over 50% of her body covered with tattoos. Tight leather and patten leather are often applied here, and worn in public... Biker chicks in Sturgis. *shudder*

90-In the immortal words of Stewie Griffin, "Is there any traction left on the tires, or is it like throwing a hot-dog down a hallway?" The honest answer for this woman would be, "The latter." She probably also smokes cigarettes, if nothing else, though that's not exclusive to this level. Most prostitutes and other sex industry workers are in this range.

100-Courtney Love... Need I say more?

And that's about all I've got. You might be wondering at this point, "Does he really think that this is going anywhere?" To which I would respond, "Gosh, I hope not... It's just something I cooked up at 2am on a Friday night while hyped up on Mountain Dew. Even though it sounds a little serious, I expect this to go absolutely nowhere." Oh, and PS-This sounded a lot less sexist in my head... now that's it's in writing, not so sure. ;)

2 things

Thing #1:

If you, from henceforth, hear me say that I've never won anything in my life, I want you to punch me in the mouth, because now I have. :) Last Friday (July 10th for anyone who's keeping track), my mother had a doctor's appointment on which I accompanied her. While she was doing her thing in the back room, I picked up a copy of the day's Denver Post Sports Section and read it from front page to back, seeing as there was not anything else to do. In the course of reading this paper, I found a small ad in the bottom right corner of a page that said, "Text 'ROCKIES' and you zip code to (number) to win a family four pack of tickets to the Rockies game on July 11th." And yes, July 11th is my birthday for anyone who's keeping track. I thought I might have a good chance to win because, seriously, how many people who read hard copies of newspapers actually text as well? Apparently the odds were pretty good because I won 4 tickets to the Rockies game on my birthday against the Atlanta Braves.

We went to the game, and the luxury suite in which we got to sit was pimpin'. They had all sorts of ballpark food, drinks and a sweet bar-style table off of which I ate while watching the game. It would have been just about perfect if Jason Marquis (Rockies' starting pitcher) had had a better night. He gave up 3 runs pretty quickly, and the Rockies ended up losing 4-3. Despite the loss, I still look back on it fondly as the only thing I've ever won... and on my birthday too.

Thing #2:

So, recently I've been looking into acquiring for myself a handgun, seeing as my 21st birthday has recently passed. I've always had quite an affinity for Glocks, and had it narrowed down to either the model 17 (full-size) or model 19 (compact) 9mm handguns. I perused galleryofguns.com 's "Gun Genie" and found that they had in excess of 100 model 17s available and a few model 19s. Upon further inspection, I found that the model 19s were all faggy California models which held only 10 rounds plus 1. At that point, the decision was made and tonight, I put down a deposit on a brand new Glock model 17, and within a week, I should be holding it in my hands.

Let's review some of the reasons that I have such an affinity for this sort of firearm. The first reason is that it's just plain sexy. When I think of handguns, the Glock models are just what come to mind. This is just the way that a pistol should look. A squarish slide, internal hammer, barrel flush with the slide at the front, a perfect balance of ergonomics and flash, and a picatanny rail on the front end of the frame are just a few of these guns' schmexy features. Additionally, let talk about safeties. In my years of shooting, I've developed quite a dislike for most safeties. Most of them are just inadequate pieces of $h*7 that just get in the way of the trigger and keep it from being pulled. They don't work when you want them to, and work flawlessly when you're trying to take the shot of a lifetime. The bottom line: Most active safeties blow. The Glock, on the other hand has 3, count them three, T-H-R-E-E, 3 PASSIVE... let me say it again, passive safeties, which means that I can reap all the benefits of an active safety, more reliably and without even thinking about it.

At this point I might just sound like a walking Glock commercial, but dang, I am so freakin' excited to get my hands on this pistol. It's gonna be a blast. :)

The Least Interesting Man in the World

Disclaimer: This blog post might be perceived as a rant about how much my life sucks. It is not... I really think I have a legitimate case to receive the title of the least interesting man in the world.

Over the past few weeks/months, the commercials for Dos Equis brand beer have had me thinking. These commercials feature the "Most Interesting Man in the World." Of course, at the end he endorses Dos Equis beer, and the commercial makes you think that you'll be more interesting if you drink their piss-water...blah blah blah. The point here is that these commercials have got me to thinking that I might be able to earn the converse title, the least interesting man in the world.

Let's state my case, shall we?

1) I'm a Mormon. "Come on down! We don't drink. We don't smoke. We don't even drink caffeine!" -Robin Williams. And our good friend Robin didn't even mention chastity. Let's see if I can recite all of the behaviors forbidden by the "Honor Cone" to be done outside of marriage: Coitus, Fellatio, Cunnilingus, Sodomy, "Petting", "Heavy Petting", Kissing with tongue, Wanking, Anything else that could be construed as sex, talking about sex, thinking about sex, wanting to have sex. In fact the only permissible sexual behavior is dreaming (while unconscious) about sex. :)

2) I'm from Northglenn, Colorado. I can hear everyone who reads this saying, "Where the eph is Northglenn?" I'll tell you. It's a suburb about the size of a postage stamp due North (go figure) of Denver. Some fat-cat land developer decided that he wanted to create a whole city on the cheap and make a bunch of money. He cut corners wherever possible, and came out with a city that has absolutely no pride, no culture, and no income. :)

3) I'm deathly afraid of people in general, but most especially, women. I tend to do very little socializing at all, and the socializing I do is generally through facebook. Even when I do end up in social situations, I generally sit off in a corner and twiddle my thumbs while everyone else socializes. Don't even talk to me about dating. I generally find the idea of being harshly judged on everything I am and hope to be about analogous being viciously beaten with a Saguaro cactus then covered with lemon juice and salt. :)

4) I'm an engineer. (As if you couldn't have figured that out already. :P ) I find the concepts of ultimate stress and supercritical flow more appealing (and probably more arousing) than most any other activity in which I could partake. I will undoubtedly end up spending more money on my calculator than my wedding ring if by the grace of the Almightly God I end up married. (See 1 and 3 above. :)

5) I spend more time in front of my Wii than anywhere else with the possible exceptions of the Step Down Lounge and the CAEDM Lab. Before the wondrous invention of the contraption know as the Wii, I found the idea of using my thumbs to play baseball, golf, and go street racing utterly absurd. But with this new device I found that video games were actually intuitive! *gasp* It opened up a whole new world to me from the @$$-groove of my couch. Now I don't even need to leave my living room to enjoy all the world has to offer. :)

6) I have no taste in food or music. Right now I'm consuming a Hot Pocket while listening to Toby Keith and Weird Al. People ask me, "What's your favorite food?" When I respond, "Domino's" people tend to give me a sideways glance as if to say: "You ephing hillbilly, get back in your trailer and watch some NASCAR!" XD :)

7) I can tell you exactly what I'll be wearing, months in advance. June-August: T-shirt, jeans, and about half & half flip flops vs. skate shoes. Sept-Nov: Same thing, but guaranteed skate shoes and a hoodie on cold days. Dec-March: Same as Sept-Nov, but guaranteed hoodie. April-May: Same as Jun-Aug, but guaranteed skate shoes. And on every Sunday: Dress clothes... white shirt and tie, suit pants, and no coat. Dang, I'm even getting bored writing all that. :)

8) I get some sort of sick thrill from planning ahead. The day that BYU introduced "MyMap," the webpage that allows students to plan out which classes they want to take and when, I was up until 4 am working out my future schedules in painstaking detail. Also, after the class schedule comes out for a semester, I have my weekly schedule worked out and memorized within an hour. :)

9) I'm too nice of a guy. My mom always taught me to treat people (esp. women) with all possible respect and dignity. What a load of crap. You get more response out of people when you treat them like crap. They'll either respect you for it, or never speak to you again... which is probably a win on your part. :)

10) I've never really had any desire to impress people. As my dad always said, "If you don't like it, you can kiss my @$$!" When people come over to my apartment, I have a tendency to say, "Welcome to my $h*7hole, find a place to sit down... if you can!" XD. People tend to find nothing more interesting than the topic of themselves; and I just don't give a rat's fuzzy, little derriere. :)

Well, that's pretty much what I've got. I think that you'll agree that I'm about the least interesting man in the world. And PS-If you ever hear about any sort of least interesting man competition, let me know, and/or drop my name. ;)

A Tribute to America

Some things I love about America (in no particular order):

-I'm free to speak, assemble, own guns (for now), tell the government to eph off if I so desire, and worship the Lord my God in the manner that I see fit.

-I'm free from oppression, tyranny, a slow, painful death, being invaded by any other country, though not stupidity (see above).

-America's Air Force, the term "No One Come Close," is a gross understatement. Remember the Iraqi Air Force? Neither do I.

-America has the huevos to tell everyone else to eph off. Soccer? Eph off! The metric system? Eph off! Gay marriage? I'd tell you to eph off, but you'd take it literally.

-The great sport of baseball was invented in this country... and even though the US might no longer be the best, it still has a rich heritage and fan base.

-America has the oldest constitution still in force today.

-Joseph Smith, Jr. He couldn't have done it in any other country.

-America has been the frontrunner in technological advancement for decades.

-Americans told the British to suck their balls, then backed it up with a hard-fought war.

-The only wars the US has "Lost" are Vietnam and Korea, and that's because they were managed by dumb@$$es.

-I have never suffered for want of food, water, or shelter, and have been prospered beyond what most of the rest of the world has.

-"We'll put a boot in your @$$, it's the AMERICAN way!"

-Wendy's

-Mountain Dew

-Pie of every variety

-A national anthem that kicks trash (oui, je parle aux francais)

-The elections aren't rigged (that we know of)

-Facebook

-Capatalism

-The Chevrolet Camaro

-The Chevrolet Corvette

-The F/A-18 Hornet

-The F-117 fighter

-Huge Natural Gas reserves

-Even bigger coal reserves

-Bigger yet Uranium reserves

-Checks and Balances

-As of right now, the United States of America is still the greatest and most powerful country in the world. There might be many from the inside as well as the outside who would wish to supplant this nation, but for the time being America can kick your country's @$$, and wouldn't be afraid to prove it.

The Lead Cox and the Skankees

Since my departure from the land of Provo to a place that can (at least a little bit) appreciate baseball, I've found myself thinking about the knuckleball more and more. It's a magnificent pitch that, when thrown correctly can keep hitters bent over like Paris Hilton at her 18th birthday party. It's also a great pitch for guys like me with little to no arm strength over long periods of throwing.

My thoughts on the knuckleball naturally lead me to the greatest knuckleballer of our generation, if not of all time, Tim Wakefield (which is a great name for a knuckleballer, by the way). Like any pitcher, he has his good outings and his bad, but he has consistently won ball-games into and through his 40s and probably still has a few good years left.

This got me to thinking: "Wow, I'd really like Wakefield a lot more if he didn't play for the soulless Lead Cox." (Red Sox, for those less baseball inclined.) I've found over the years that my propensity to hate the Red Sox has grown exponentially over the past few years. In the late '90s and early 2000s I was a Red Sox fan by default because of my undying hatred for the New York Yankees. By the time 2004 rolled around I found myself as a sympathizer for a team that had not won a World Series in over 90 years. By 2007, I was more or less neutral on the topic, seeing as the Red Sox had won a championship about 3 years before and the Yankees hadn't won one since 2000. It wasn't until October of 2007 that I found myself in any real conflict. With my Colorado Rockies in the World Series facing off against the Red Sox, it was necessary to root against them, but I found no real necessity for hatred.

And them my eyes were opened. After the 2007 World Series, I found myself in reflection on my position concerning the Red Sox. It was at that point that I realized that the Boston Red Sox of the late 2000s were the exact same Yankees team that I had hated about 10 years earlier. I'm sure that if I went into downtown Boston and said that the Red Sox were exactly like the Yankees, there would be a mob ready to crucify me; and to those people I say, "Eph you raw!" The phrase, "This team is a maniacal baseball baron that throws obscene quantities of money at high-dollar free-agents in order to worship the idol gods of championship rings and World Series trophies with absolutely no regards to morals or the spirit of the game," could be easily applied to either team interchangeably.

This is not to say that I will now go out and buy Yankees apparel and throw up an A-Rod Fathead in my room. I still hate the Yankees with a fiery, burning passion from deep within my soul. They are still the same team as they were 10 years ago, just with less firepower. George Steinbrenner got senile for a year or two there before handing over the team to his sons. In a few years, they'll return, more or less, to their maniacal, idol-worshiping ways.

The bottom line? I hate both of these teams, and wish that both of them would go 0-162. Sadly, this isn't possible considering that they play one another 18 times a year. I guess I'll just have to settle for 9-153 apiece.