Going Bowling

Over this most recent (2009) college football bowl season I've realized that not all bowl names are created equal. There are some that are just plain wrong and some that are actually pretty cool. Here, I've endeavored to rank the names of all 33 college bowl games other than the national championship, with number 33 being the coolest and number 1 being the raunchiest.

33. Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl-Since literally every bowl game has a sponsor, it is necessary to consider the effect that this sponsor has on the bowl's name. Not only is the Armed Forces Bowl a sweet name for a bowl, it's also sponsored by a company that makes freakin' helicopters...you just can't top that.

32. FedEx Orange Bowl-Sometimes, when I hear the name of a bowl game, I like to imagine an actual bowl filled with the object of note. I just like the thought of a bowl full of oranges.

31. AT&T Cotton Bowl-Maybe it's just that I like the word "cotton." Maybe it's that this game is a classic. Maybe it's just that the "Cotton Bowl" just rolls off your tongue. I don't know, but I like it.

30. Allstate Sugar Bowl-Someday, I'd like to burn down an insurance company, just so they'd actually have to make a claim. If the sponsor wasn't an insurance company, this would be at #31. Along the same lines as the Orange Bowl, I just like the idea of a bowl full of sugar.

29. Sheraton Hawaii Bowl-Who doesn't like the sound of Hawaii...or the Sheraton?

28. Texas Bowl-No inflammatory sponsors or needless frills. Just the Texas Bowl.

27. Brut Sun Bowl-Considering that this game is played in El Paso, I think I can ignore the fact that it won't actually be that hot. Also, the sponsorship with Brut aftershave works inasmuch as football is a rather violent and brutish sport in general.

26. Pacific Life Holiday Bowl-The bowl season is the holiday season after all. I don't really like the Pacific Life sponsorship... but I don't hate it...

25. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl-Let me just say that anyone who's going to be having a "fiesta" is probably going to be more interested in "futbol" rather than football.

24. AutoZone Liberty Bowl-I like the concept of liberty... However I only go into AutoZone when I have little or no liberty left.

23. Outback Bowl-No, this game isn't being played in Australia...it's just brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.

22. Citi Rose Bowl Game-If this game was called the "Tool Bowl," it'd be up near #33. I really just don't like the pageantry and underhanded skankiness that goes along with this game. If you're actually interested in inviting good teams to your bowl game, it should be one of the elite bowl games in the nation. If you plan on inviting the "champions" of the same two conferences every year, regardless of how bad they suck, your bowl should be considered amongst the likes of #1 on this list.

21. Emerald Bowl-For any wondering, this game is not based off a shiny, green gemstone, but rather a company that sells mixed nuts...and you now know why the Emerald Bowl is #21.

20. Insight Bowl-I don't know what to say other than, "I'm just not feeling it."

19. Champ Sports Bowl-I like that the sponsor for this bowl is actually relevant...other than that it's just a corporate buyout.

18. Valero Alamo Bowl-Do you remember the alamo?

17. St Petersburg Bowl-It kind of gives me a feel of playing football on a cold Russian day during a snow storm. Then I have to come to reality and recognize that it's in central Florida where it will be 75 degrees with 98% humidity in December.

16. Chick-fil-a Bowl-Uhh...Eat more chicken?

15. Capital One Bowl-What's in your wallet?... Uh, nothing, actually.

14. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl-A bowl in N'awlins is a great idea. Sadly, by the time you finish saying the irrelevant sponsor's name, you can't remember the rest of the bowl name.

13. GMAC Bowl-A bank that's an offshoot of a bankrupted company that's been receiving government bailout money? Where do I sign up?

12. EagleBank Bowl-You spent how much to get this bowl sponsorship?! I see my money is safer elsewhere.

11. Konica Minolta Gator Bowl-I like the concept of naming a bowl after a predatory regional animal...though Konica Minolta...I'll pass.

10. New Mexico Bowl-New Mexico: cleaner than the old Mexico... but not by much.

9. Meineke Car Care Bowl-Who the h3Ll plays in this bowl game? The axel rods and the torque converters? You must be freaking joking.

8. Maaco Bowl Las Vegas-This bowl would be much closer to the top if they had called it the Maaco Las Vegas Bowl. But Maaco b*7cH3d and moaned until they got the word "bowl" next to their name. I hope you're happy Maaco...no one respects your sponsorship.

7. Roady's Humanitarian Bowl-In addition to the insult of playing on Boise State's atrocious blue field in the middle of December, the participants also have the privilege of playing in a bowl that makes people ask, "WTF, seriously? There's actually a bowl called that?!"

6. International Bowl-The fact that it's played in Toronto is a mere technicality.

5. AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl-By the time you leave Shreveport, you're going to need those AdvoCare vitamins to keep from growing an arm out of your forehead.

4. San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl-I know, seriously. I didn't believe it either.

3. Papajohns.com Bowl-This bowl isn't even named after a restaurant...it's named after a restaurant's website.

2. Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl-When the phrase, "Hot 'n' Greasy" actually adds value to your bowl name, you know you have problems.

1. Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl-This one genuinely speaks for itself.