Based on whatever knowledge you have of my life, you might have already formulated some ideas on why it lacks romance and/or spousage. Based solely on what you read in this blag, you can justifiably come to the conclusion that I have a few emotional issues. However, the more distance I put between myself and my mother, both temporally and spatially, the less of a problem this really is. You might also come to the conclusion that I'm somewhat passive around women. This is also much less true than it used to be. At age 16, I wanted nothing to do with girls and they pretty much reciprocated that desire. However, at 23, I'm much more comfortable around women than I've been before. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm less approachable to women because of my size (~6'2" and 250 lbs) and the Native American blood that gives me something of a disapproving scowl on my face even when I'm not unhappy. You could also think that I might have trouble finding a woman who's as smart as me, who gets my sense of humor, etc. The list goes on and on.
I do not consider any of these 'typical' issues to be the biggest problem between me and women. This biggest problem is that both they and I move. In the last five years, between Denver, Provo, and Corvallis, I've probably moved 7 times. Some of those were very temporary, but there has been large uncertainty about exactly where I would be in the not-so-distant future.
For the sake of completeness, let's first discuss long-distance relationships: they don't work.
Now moving on, from about February of '10 to September of '10, I met 3 women that I could have definitely seen myself marrying. Two of these were in Provo before I graduated and one was in Denver after I moved back in with parents. In all three cases, I had no idea where I was going to be living a year from the date I met them.
In the case of both the women in Provo, I was getting ready to close out my time as an undergrad student and didn't really know what I was going to do afterward. During this time, I just wasn't concerned with women because I had more pressing issues like how I was going to eat in 6 months' time. I still held the delusion that I was going to find a job somewhere in industry, which wasn't the case. In addition, asking a women whom you only met 3 months ago to move with you is asking a lot, even when you're 100% certain about the location. When you have no idea where you're planning on moving, it's just downright socially unacceptable.
In the case of the third woman, I was still totally uncertain about where I was going to be in a year's time. I had not yet started applying for grad schools, though it was apparent that that would at least be a backup plan. I was still not particularly concerned with women until about April of '11 for the same reasons as before I graduated from college. By the time my future became secure enough to feel comfortable dating again, I knew that I was going to be moving to Oregon in the fall and didn't really feel the need to ask any woman to move with me.
A component of these conundra is the fact that, in 2012, women can easily lead their own lives. In 1952, it was likely that many women were basically just waiting around for a husband. In 1972, there was still a statistically significant chance that a woman (especially a Mormon) would not be doing much in preparation for marriage. In 2012, more women go to college than men. (This is largely a racial issue, but that's a post for another day.) Women have plans for their lives like work, school, or a mission that they don't necessarily want to drop just to follow a potential spouse around. This is another reason that it's harder to get married now than when your bishop got married.
As I move forward, I have the better part of a year and a half in Oregon before my future will, again, become uncertain. If I find a woman who I want to marry, I have enough time to court her an build a relationship. The prospects don't necessarily look all that bright at the moment, though I hold out hope.
You are the same age as me. I think there will be plenty of opportunities.
ReplyDeleteLong-distance relationships can, indeed, work. I've been in three long-distances relationships. They were all great guys and I had good relationships with all of them. Obviously we weren't meant to be. Still, in two out of the three, we didn't even break up until after we started living in the same area again. You could try to argue that my examples are invalid because I didn't end up marrying the person.
ReplyDeleteMy sister was in a long-distance relationship from Australia to Washington for two years. They didn't see each other once during that period of time. They have now been happily married for a year.
Saying that all long-distance relationships don't work because yours haven't is a fallacy.