The Williams Skank Index

So far this Summer, I've been to more baseball games than I'd been to in about the 5 previous years combined. And in most any baseball game I've been to, I've found that there have been a plentitude of less-than-wholesome women. I don't know what it is about professional sporting events that brings out the hoes, but they are definitely there in adundance. Anywho, the point of this post is that I've recently noticed that not even all promiscuous, for lack of a better word, women are equally skanky. This has sprung a desire in me to be able to discern the disease-infested whore from the tattoo-on-the-small-of-the-back skand from the Mormon girl. And, in all honesty, I just don't think there's a good enough system established, so I think I'm going to establish one myself. I call it, The Williams Skank Index for Women. (I would have called in the White Index, but that sounds a little racist. ;)

So, I've decided that the Williams Skank Index should be a numerical scale ranging from 1 to 100. I originally considered a 1 to 10 scale, but I felt that more precision was necessary, and that it would be too easily confused with the 1-10 hotness scale. On this scale, 1 would be a minimum skankiness, 100 would be a maximum and 69 would be the maximum skankiness that would be appealing to an average, heterosexual man. The Williams Index would generally be based on outward appearance, but also incorporates certain aspects of personality. Additionally, the index is generally only applied to women in their 20s, but can be modified for older women... especially those who never outgrew their 20s skankiness. :o At this point, it would be a mostly subjective scale, with little or no methodology, but could be modified in the future to incorporate some methodology. This would most likely include something like a points system for certain, skanktastic attributes.

In order to give you a more full comprehension of the Williams Skank Index, I've included some examples of ratings and the type of woman, or a specific woman that would generally fit into such a category.

1-FLDS women, and the Amish: You see nothing but hands and face.

10-Your high school gym teacher: t-shirt and basketball shorts, no make up, pony tail... or maybe crew cut. :o

20-An average Mormon woman: Full coverage of chest and midriff, skirts and shorts below the knee, modest hair and make-up.

30-Woman generally in good taste: Perhaps a descending neckline, or a little bit of Britney Spears belly action, but mostly modest.

40-Every article of clothing this woman owns is skin-tight, and many even restrict her breathing. Halter-tops and booty shorts are common, but mostly devoid of piercings and tattoos. Make-up in good taste.

45-This is about where piercings other than ears and tattoos come into play. A staple of a woman in this range is the belly-button ring, but other piercings such as nose could also be in this range. Generally, only one tattoo or additional piercing is apparent at this level.

50-Bon qui qui from the Mad TV King Burger skit: At this point large quantities of make-up and hair product are being applied. Additionally, the tattoo on the small of the back is a big feature amongst this range of woman.

55-This is about where booty shorts and exposed thong straps rear their ugly heads. If it's more than about 70 degrees out, this woman is wearing nothing but a bikini top and the afformentioned booty shorts.

60-3 or 4 of each tattoos and piercings are displayed via the very scanty clothing. Make-up is applied heavily, but not in excess.

69-Similar to 60, but wearing 2 dimes and a corn chip. Most "stars" of pornographic films are in this range... whether naturally or not.

75-Too much make-up is often applied. Eye shadow and rouge begin to become entirely unnatural. Multiple plastic surgeries (most often breast augmentations) become apparent to the untrained eye.

80-Often sports tank top with no bra... even though she really needs one. Has over 50% of her body covered with tattoos. Tight leather and patten leather are often applied here, and worn in public... Biker chicks in Sturgis. *shudder*

90-In the immortal words of Stewie Griffin, "Is there any traction left on the tires, or is it like throwing a hot-dog down a hallway?" The honest answer for this woman would be, "The latter." She probably also smokes cigarettes, if nothing else, though that's not exclusive to this level. Most prostitutes and other sex industry workers are in this range.

100-Courtney Love... Need I say more?

And that's about all I've got. You might be wondering at this point, "Does he really think that this is going anywhere?" To which I would respond, "Gosh, I hope not... It's just something I cooked up at 2am on a Friday night while hyped up on Mountain Dew. Even though it sounds a little serious, I expect this to go absolutely nowhere." Oh, and PS-This sounded a lot less sexist in my head... now that's it's in writing, not so sure. ;)