Memoirs

Recently I've been thinking about what would make a good title for my memoirs. What title could I give that would summarize the advice I would pass on to my posterity. After some not-so-serious thought, here's some of what I've come up with:

"A Series of Unfortunate Dudefests"-[See Post Titled "Source of the Title"]

"How to Attract Women"-An in-detail chronologue of the exact opposite of everything I ever did.

"Lies My Mother Told Me"-These would include, "William, your father is a prick!", and "William, I'm gonna find that little Japanese girl that's been stalking you."

"Non-RMs are People Too... and Other Bull$h*7 You Wish Was True"-The trials of being a part of Mormon doctrine without being a part of Mormon culture.

"D4mM17 William, You Spilt the Motherephing Gravy!"-Actual quote from my dad. XD

"My Talent is Making Analogies About Balls"-Imagine this being said in an Elders' Quorum 'introduce everybody' thing.

"Sometimes the Crap Falls off the Paper Plate."-Making the best...and worst of lifes hard times... redneck style.

"Call Me a Massage THErapist"-My theory on how a man can be a misogynist without being a sexist or a chauvenist... PS-If you don't get this one, it's okay. It only makes sense in my head.

"The Least Interesting Man in the World"-[See Post "The Least Interesting Man in the World"]

"The Engineer Assumed a Safety Factor of 2"-At some point you just realize that you've got 'The Knack.'

"Enlarge Your Penis Just by Reading this Book!"-Only if I wanted to make a bunch of money then go straight to hell when I die... A good alternative would be to become a lawyer.

"I Kissed a Girl... And I Liked It!"-Two actually! It'd totally be worth paying royalties to Katie Perry.

"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations with that Woman."-Because I didn't! I guarantee it! Would I get sued by Bill Clinton? Yes. How would I deal with that problem? I would insure that all the groupie rights went straight to Slick Willy... 'cause we all know Bill's just in it for the nookie.

What's the moral of this blog post? If I ever tell you that I'm going to write my memoirs, I want you to backslap me and ask inquisitively, "You mean, 'Enlarge Your Penis Just by Reading this Book!'? Don't be a dumb@$$!"