I'd Do Things a Little Differently

Recently, the presence of my last priority registration date at BYU has got me to thinking about how I would do things if I was the president of the university. So, here are a few of the policies/procedures/general things which I'd change around at BYU if I had all power. (These aren't in any particular order, btw.)

1. The School of Family Life would officially be renamed the school of Marriage and Relationship Science. So, when freshman girls are asked, "So are you just here to get your MRS?" They can respond, "Well, yes actually." And possibly, a dude could chime in and say, "Yeah, I am too!" just to confuse the heck out of the questioner.

2. It would be perfectly legal/acceptable/encouraged to throw water balloons full of blue paint at anyone wearing University of Utah apparel on campus.*

3. Along those same lines, anyone attending a football game not wearing the colors of one team or another would be doused with blue paint.

4. The math department would be dissolved; any faculty and staff would be fired and the department would be rebuilt based on principles of the Gospel of Christ instead of on the principles of the plan of Satan.

5. The Honor Code would be modified slightly. Men would not be required to be entirely clean shaven, but would be asked and encouraged to keep facial hair trimmed and neat, avoiding excessive and extravagant styles. Women would also be required to have hair that extends at least below the collar, conversely to men's hair which must be trimmed above the collar.

6. AP, IB, and other college credit would still apply to graduation requirements, but any credit obtained before high school graduation would not apply to priority registration deadlines.

7. Women would receive a grant of $150 per credit hour of classes that she registers for that end in "En" and $300 per credit hour per semester for classes labelled "CS".

8. Bookstore managers would get caned once per dollar markup per book sold in the whole bookstore. ie If a book was marked up $4 and 30 of them were sold, each bookstore manager would get 120 canings for that book.

9. The university would add a Dental School, or "University Cash Cow" as I would call it. Tuition to go to this school would be $12,000 a semester and the school would house about 20-50 dental students at a time. (This is in case you're wondering how I'm going to pay for all of my other ideas ;)

10. Tickets for football games would be sold based on knowledge of football and fanhood. When one visited byutickets.com and was looking to purchase football tickets he/she would need to complete a quiz of randomly generated questions pertaining to the rules and strategy of football and well as his/her reaction in certain situations. The scores on this quiz would determine which seats a fan is eligible to buy. The prices would remain the same, but the quality of fanhood would multiply exponentially.

11. Any student using the term "Zion" as an adjective will be put on academic warning. Any professor using this term in this context will have his/her pay reduced by $10,000 per offense... unless he/she is a religion professor, then the reduction will be $20,000 per offense.

12. Professors will not teach the false doctrine of the superiority of the metric system. Offenders will have their parking permits revoked immediately.

13. All classroom seats in the JSB will be removed and replaced with something comfortable to sit in.

14. Students who graduate without getting married will be given awards for both endurance and individuality, and given special honors at the graduation ceremony.

15. The after-hours maintenance crew for on-campus housing will be entirely separate from campus police. No more students dialing 911 to report taking a massive crap and clogging the toilet.

16. The opinion section of the Daily Universe will be officially renamed the "Student Sarcasm" section in which readers may submit preposterous statements and insult one another. The content will remain more or less the same.

Well, these are just a sample of things I'd institute if I were president of this university. Don't get me wrong, I think this university is awesome and for the most part is being run well. However there are indeed a few things I'd do a little differently.

*This policy would need to be voided on game day in order to avoid a quite literal holy war.