Thank You Dr. Chapman

As anyone who reads my blag should know, I took a class in LDS Marriage and Family last semester, (I mean I only wrote 3 posts about my classes.) During this class, I was exposed to a book called "The Five Languages of Love," by Dr. Gary Chapman. After hearing about this book in class, I knew I wanted to learn more about Dr. Chapman's theories on love and relationships, so I visited his website and bought his book. Well, now I've more or less finished that book and I'd like to share a few things that I've learned about myself and my relationships with people after reading it. The rest of this post will be written assuming you have some familiarity with the book and its concepts. If you're not familiar with it, feel free to visit the link above.

Things I've learned from reading this book:

1. My love language is definitely physical touch.

There's really nothing that speaks love to me like a good hug or other appropriate touching. I'd probably fall for just about any woman (reserving veto power) who reaches out and touches me. I also feel a certain amount of love from words of affirmation or quality time, but those pale in comparison to the love I can feel through physical touch.

2. Just because you feel loved doesn't mean she's "the one."

After reading this book, I realized why I fell for both of my ex-fiancées. And yes, I've been engaged twice before, talk to me privately if you really want more details. Both of these women were "touchy feely" women who really enjoyed hugs and kisses and the like. In retrospect, I think both of their primary love languages were physical touch as well, which often works out well except... Both of these women also had emotional issues that probably should have left me running fast and far yelling, "Get away from me psycho!" all the way.

3. There's a reason my love language is physical touch.

In Dr. Chapman's book, he says that we often learn our primary love language from our parents and how they love us. When I first heard this, I thought it was strange, because I really don't think my parents touched me or each other all that often while I was growing up. However, after I thought about it for a while, I realized that physical touch was really the only way that my parents expressed love to me while I was growing up, even though there wasn't that much of it going around. There were certainly no words of affirmation or acts of service going around. We gave gifts, but this was usually accompanied by, "D@mM!+ Charlotte! How much did you spend on this $h1+!" We also had quality time, as Dr. Chapman defines it, though it was usually accompanied by, "D@mM!+ Gary, you're an ephing Pr1ck, I hate your guts!" Though there wasn't a lot of touching, it was the only way that love was really expressed in my home growing up.

4. My dating habits (and lack thereof) have an emotional root.

When a man is taking a woman (especially a Mormon woman) on a first date, there are some things that would be totally appropriate, and some things that just wouldn't. For example, it would be perfectly appropriate for a man to tell his date that she looks pretty, to open a door for her, or to bring her a gift of some sort. Inasmuch as the date itself is quality time, this pretty much covers the first 4 love languages. Would be appropriate, on a first date, to take your date in a swift embrace, and kiss her? In some cases it might, but for the most part, no. People (especially Mormon people) tend to establish that physical touch necessarily implies a continuing commitment. I understand the reasoning behind this, but that really doesn't help me. What it really comes down to is that I have a really hard time feeling any degree of love on first, second, third, etc. dates because it's just not socially acceptable to express love in my language that early in a relationship. And without that emotional connection, dating becomes little more than a hassle and a burden.

5. It is important for me to know that I am loved, even if I don't feel it.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, The One You Wish Was the One, I often have a morbidly obese shoulder devil yelling in my ear, saying that no one will ever love me. I genuinely believe that this is because I don't often feel loved since people are usually reluctant to touch me. Though I often feel as if no one really cares about me, I've been able to realize that there are diverse ways of expressing love, and have been able to recognize people's sincere efforts to express their love for me. I also have better come to realize that there is an Eternal God in Heaven who loves me and wants the best for me. Even though it will be a long time before I can touch Him, I know that my eternal soul is of great worth in His sight.

PS-I hope this post wasn't too squishy or emo for anyone... That's not really how I was trying to come off. :)