Ask and Ye Shall Receive

About six months ago, I did a SWOT analysis of my life. In this analysis, I detailed what I thought my greatest weaknesses were at the time. In the mean time, I have put a finger on exactly what one of my greatest weaknesses is.

I realized this when I went to a graduate open house for Virginia Tech, one of my prospective graduate schools. During this open house, professors gave presentations about their current research and prospective students were encouraged to talk to them about it and ask them questions. The fact that current graduate students were passing out more beer than I had seen in one place in my life up to that point put me somewhat on edge. It was this slight discomfort in the situation that pushed me over the edge and allowed me to realize a greater source of anxiety and dread in this situation: that I was basically be told to go up to these professors and ask them for research money. I was absolutely paralyzed and realized that I could not be effective in this act, and this is my greatest weakness.

I feel incredible discomfort and anxiety when I ask anyone for anything.

To put it in microeconomic terms, there is nothing from which I get more utility than not having to ask people for things. In more practical terms, there is almost nothing in the world that's worth the anxiety of having to ask for it. I would and have passed up money, notoriety, help, and love because they would have to be asked for. In the case of the Virginia Tech open house, I was unable to approach professors with questions on their research, and along with it, a vastly increased possibility of going to a top-10 civil engineering school for essentially free because the anxiety I felt over asking for something outweighed even these great benefits.

Just in case you haven't made the connection yet, this is probably the best reason that I have been on a whopping 4 or 5 dates (depending on your definition of a date) in the last two years. Asking for dates and general companionship from women is and even greater stressor, because it compounds the anxiety I feel over asking for things with the fear that I have of ending up in a relationship like my parents'. Those who are really quick might be inclined to ask, "Well, weren't you engaged? Twice?" To you I say, "Well aren't you perceptive." Yes, I was engaged twice. However, both of these had flown pretty far over the cuckoo's nest. Far enough, in fact, that they were even willing to ask guys out. And that's how they started, both of them. This isn't to say that I've never asked a woman out; I have. Suffice it to say that these were not pleasant experiences for me and never progressed past that one date.

When I realized that I avoided asking for things because of the anxiety that I felt, I sought to know where this behavior came from. With only a little self-awareness I was able to identify the cause: Operant Conditioning. In this blag, I've placed the blame for many of my emotional issues on my mother. However, both of my parents can share the responsibility for this one. Since my mom spent money like a drunken sailor on a three day pass, it was in my dad's best interest to prevent her from spending as much money as he possibly could. My dad, thus, punished me every time that I asked for something that cost money. I don't know about you, but when I was five, everything that I wanted cost money. I don't remember what most of the punishments were, but I distinctly remember my dad saying, "Boy, every time you say 'I want,' I'm gonna beat your @$$." Granted, he didn't actually beat my @$$ all that often, but that phrase definitely stuck with me. I learned to simply not ask for things.

To tell you the truth, I have no idea how I would overcome all the years of learning that I have experienced. I can tell you one thing: I certainly won't be asking for help any time soon.